I am hoping some of the kind people on this site might be able to help me. I have posted a few one-off questions across the past few weeks, but wanted to relay my full situation in hopes of guidance.
My husband and I have been separated 8 months. We are both 32 w no kids. We met in college and have been together 11 years, married 5. He moved out in Dec into a dorm (was going to business school). He has since graduated and gotten his own apartment and continually telling me he has moved on and wants out. I desperately want to work on our marriage. I have read DR and did 3 sessions w a coach.
A little more background- we for the most part had a good marriage (no infidelity abuse etc), strong friendship, etc, but at times had doubts that i had gotten married before i was ready. he felt at times that i was not committed to the marriage. i always was but I understand in hindsight that I said and did things that made him feel taken for granted. At one time he was a very doting and loving husband. He also didn't deal w a lot of issues along the way (things like conflicts w his family, was resentful of the fact that i made more $ than him, didn't change my name, etc) - never brought those up in our marriage and now they are all coming out now that we are separated. I've done a lot of soul searching and absolutely recognize things I have done/said wrong along the way. I do believe if he'd give me the chance to show him the person I have become he'd be open to reconciliation, but he's very black/white and feels like there is too much water under the bridge, that i emasculated him, etc. (I think he had some of his own prior insecurities regardless, but he is blaming everything on me).
While he was finishing his 2nd semester of grad school, he was nonstop partying, going out all the time, hooking up w girls (he told me this). He has a new job lined up and even a little modeling gig on the side...so i think he truly feels like life has opened up a whole new window of opportunity for him and he does not want to deal w past baggage of our fighting (it got to the point where we were fighting over everything, where to go to dinner, etc.... he always gave into me - i think i was a bit controlling and he was a bit too differential to me..a dynamic we both contributed to).
In the few times (once every 3-4 weeks or so since we've separated) that we've gotten together, i've done my best to show him my 'other side'...practicing patience, kindness, deferring to him about little things, listening to him, complimenting him. etc. In the early days of our separation we still fought a bit, then i pleaded and begged a bit, and for the past few months I have been doing my 180 of just leaving him alone, not pursuing, etc. He knows he has the upper hand and that I want him back...so it's gotten to the point that some of my friends and fam think he's using me as a doormat - borrowing my car, asking me to pay him back for health insurance $ (when i paid part of his tuition and our rent here). we've never fought about $ before but now it's come out that it's really bothered him that i made more $, and he tells me he never thought he was good enough for me. We also come from different backgrounds (cultural, socio-econ) and apparently he feels like I looked down on him. Not at all true, I admire him for who is is and where he's come from, and have repeatedly told him that lately but not enough during the marriage, he felt.
He tells me know that this is my doing and I brought it upon myself. There are many sacrifices I have made for him over the years (moving 2x, changing jobs, financially etc) too... but regardless I love my husband dearly and am committed to our marriage and more than anything want it to work. I have written him a letter and an email telling him about all of the reflecting and soul searching i have done, apologizing for things past, taking responsibility and acceptance for myself and leaving out any blame. I think he feels what's been said and done in past is hard to get over (i did say some hurtful things about him family to him, for that i am truly sorry), plus he has this whole new life he's excited about and "does not want to be married right now"
I don't know what to do. My only hope was asking him to go to Retrouvaille program in Sept since he will not do counseling again. We are both Catholic and I want to honor my vows. I just want to be able to talk to him in a constructure fashion. I love him dearly. He says he will always care about me but does not love me in that way. Nothing has been filed yet but he's threatened a few times. He is out of the country through August and doesnt start his job till October. I keep busy w my work and friends and hobbies - trying to GAL and be positive - but many days I just break down and cry.
I have not reached out to any of his friends or family, so not to seem pursuing. But there is part of me that wants to talk to one of his male friends - who was best man at our wedding and also a good friend of mine - about the sitch and see if he can offer any guidance on what to do, or if helping to see if H will go to Retro. I don't want the D but am afraid when H gets back from his trip he may want to file.
I love him and am so sad to see a marriage end over issues that I believe are reconcilable. I understand where he is coming from too, but I don't believe in D without giving it all you've got...which is why I was hoping most for Retro.
Anything else anyone here can suggest? I am trying to strike a balance b/w getting on w my life (there are days this is all I can think about) and doing everything I can to save my marriage.
I would love your insight as I have been following many of your threads and some are similar.
A couple quick things just want to add. I'd really love anyone's help! We did try counseling a couple times in past. Last time counseler said "well it doesn't sounds like you want to be married" - and shortly after he left.
I also get sad/disillusioned from this site a bit b/c many people seem to be able to turn things around when still living together or have kids. He moved out and no kids, so there is little motivation for WAH to want to work on things.
I know I can't control what he thinks/feels, i just PRAY he'll give this another chance. I'm staying in the same city as him for now - he still has some things to pick up from my apt when he gets back - so we'll have some interaction. What else can i do?
Thank you Pigskin, I only hope he is willing to it. Before he left he said he did not see the point since he's already made up his mind (about wanting to end the marriage).
Of course in hindsight I see ways that i could have been more affectionate, boosted him up, etc. But he's also in a place of active rebellion and seems to have such a different personality. He's got this huge ego now whereas before most people would say I 'wore the pants' in our relationship. He's even told me I'm not the 'subservient' type wife... (i think he meant 'traditional') because i work long hours etc but truth be told, the plan was that when he graduated from business school and got his job, i could scale back and we'd start a family. now that he has the pedigree and all the attention, it's like I don't exist anymore. I know it's not all me...and most of my family and friends are telling me to move on. I am still very in love with him and am heartbroken that he wants to walk out on a marriage that yes, had some growing pains (several moves, parent dying, some illness that exacerbated things) but still a lot of good there. I just don't believe marriage is disposal. He says he tried everything before (like going to counselors, but i can tell you there were not marriage-minded in hindsight) and has given it his all. I disagree (but of course dont tell him this). He's been downright nasty to me in some of our exchanges - I think to justify his actions - seems classic WAS.
I feel so sad about this all but try to stay busy w my friends. I do not want to start my life all over again. I cannot imagine finding someone else that I feel like same way about. He was also my best friend.
I don't know what else to do if he doesn't give me the chance to show I've changed? I think I have to some extent in some of our interactions, but it doesn't seem like it matters anymore. Getting a new apartment and signing a lease I think has helped him psychologically move on. I just don't know what hope there is, if any, at this point.
It sounds like others are in the same boat. I welcome input! I really appreciate your support!
before most people would say I 'wore the pants' in our relationship.
I picked up on that in your first post. This is a great place to do some 180s. Men need their wife to respect them. You wearing the pants makes him feel like you don't think he can handle things.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks Coach. I know - I definitely should have deferred to him a bit more. What makes me so sad is that we took a great trip to Europe last year and I let him plan and pick everything, and thought we were in a much better place and then a month later - wham! - I even quit my job for several months to be home more with him last fall...at the time he said I seemed more like my old self and fun and everything. but then a few bad fights and he left. lots of resentment and bitterness built up over the years. I guess I wonder if it's too late? Has too much damage been done? I am willing to change but I dont think he's done much self-examination lately, other than think he was the one that was wronged. He's in a place where he wants to do what he wants to do, no strings attached. He's asked for D for times but hasn't filed yet... I would like him to attend Retrovaille before we go down this route. I ended up practically crying and begging him to go last time I saw him... I know a major no-no. I may patiently ask one more time when he gets back, but the dates in my area are in Sept. If he refuses, don't think there is anything else I can do.
He knows I love him and would do anything to have him back, and I do think he's noticed some changes in me lately, but says 'great, so you can apply these to your next relationship' Ouch. Any way to get a guy to fall back in love with you, and/or remember the wonderful times you used to have? Honor vows? I guess I can continue to give him space, but this is just breaking my heart. And he's been quite nasty these past few months as well, just pushing me away as much as he can.
Dear H, I too am new here so don't know if I can be of much help. But I got some excellent advice on this board I'll share w you. Our situations are sort of similar except you are younger than me :-). No kids, my H also moved out, in March & the past 2 wks has been "wanting to talk" about us to "go our separate ways". So I have been panicked @ how to deal w this. There are no quick or easy fixes as you know, but what I keep hearing is focus on yourself. Read this & see if it helps.
I am sorry for your pain, and wish you the best. Reading these posts often gives me insight, now if I can start applying the wisdom! :-) Good luck.
Hi all, Thanks for your kinds words and advices...i've been reading others and seems a few similar situations.
He was not having an affair when he left, just the fighting and anger built up over the yrs - many small resentments - just got to us. Initially i thought time apart might be ok too, but i've come to realize how much I love and miss him, and he the opposite, feeling he is now happier on his own.
He has gone on a few dates and is 'interested' he told me (i dont know if in someone specific or just dating), but he's definitely been w other women since our separation.
I've tried to detach but did end up somewhat pleading w him to do retrouvaille before he left on his trip (back end of Aug). I have not spoken to his family or friends throughout this ordeal, but have thought about reaching out to his one friend who was our best man. I wanted my H to know I truly love him and have done a lot of soul searching across past several months, and have no doubts about my love for him and also working on my anxiety which did pose a problem in our marriage.
I would love more than anything in this world to have him give us another shot, not close the door...but how do you open someone up to that if they have closed down? There was so much good there at one time. I think Retrov. might be my only hope?
What else can I do? I feel so sad. Some days are stronger some are tough. In my initial post it probably sounds like i'm taking on more of the blame here (my fam and friends think I am blaming myself way too much), as my husband did have a temper and also did and said some very hurtful things near the end. He also never voiced issues that I later felt were issues for him. He was passive in many ways throughout our marriage, and many times when I gave him the opportunity to 'step up to the plate' he did not. I know it takes 2, but I am willing to forget and forgive and give this another chance. He says he can forgive, but things said and done in the past 'are still there' and he does not know he can get over them (things said that he construed as put-downs, and other little things built up over the years). I know I did things wrong, but I also think he was overly sensitive about certain things. Communication/interpretation issues basically, and growth, since we met so young and still in our 20's did a lot of growing. How to start over when there is baggage (but nothing of the serious infidently kind...mostly just unkind words said in the past, and acting out on both our parts)??
I love him and am not ready to give up on our marriage, but it is also draining me so much. I feel betrayed and abandoned, and just lost and alone. Scared for the future, regretting the past, blaming myself. Qualities he initially loved about me came back to bite me. He also has issues with his own family that I think played into our marriage (we all have baggage in this respect), but I do not think that is reason to break up a marriage. All little things, I think.
Can Retrouvaille help couples to see beyond this hurt and anger? Start anew? It sounds like such a wonderful program, but I don't think my husband is willing to go. He hasn't flat out said now but said he's not interested and doesn't want me to go with false hopes.
I am also confused about the DB approach. I was not as affectionate and loving as my husband would have liked in my marriage, so my 180 would be to do more of that...which I have tried many times since we've seen each other. However i feel like i'm in more LRT-mode, where we're already separated and he says he wants a D. So I should not do the 180 of being more 'demure/wifely/whatever' but pull back regardless? Just confused how to approach this.. ? Help!
Hi all, I am trying to figure out if I can talk to my husband's close friend (a friend of mine too) about working on our marriage. I haven't talk to anyone in his world in the 8 months we've been separated, and tried not to pursue. This was best man at our wedding, and someone that years ago said to feel free to talk to him about issues we were having (had gotten in a big fight during our engagement, and this friend helped), and actually 'warned' me a bit about H's temper. I intend to do no bad-mouthing at all, just inquire if there is any advice he has and see if he can in any way encourage H to work things out (or attend retrouvaille or anything) before making things final. My intentions are good and I think if it got back to H I could just say "i love you and wanted to talked to Friend to see if I could help in any way" i want friend to know H means more to me than anything, i am committed and have been soul-searching, and possibly he could add some positive element here. Thoughts?
I want to leave no stone unturned, and may regret if i dont talk to him. This is where i have some trouble w DB...what efforts is worthwhile and when to let go?
