I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

OK, so here is the email. I know you guys are going to rip it apart. Please be gentle. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and right now, my heart wants to go a different direction. Its a very long email, but its how i feel and ive never been able to express to him how i feel because he never listend to me and this is my closure. I dont believe that I will hear from him again after this and that is why I have put in the email everything i wanted to get off my chest. So please keep in mind, that this letter is not a DB letter, its not a way to try and get him back. Its a closure/moving on letter. Thanks for your advice again. GO AHEAD AND RIP!!

Hello

Sorry to hear you arent feeling too well lately. Getting this email has really, really saddened me and you knew it was going to hurt me. I know this has been hard on you too, not just on me, but to be frank, I can't help but think that you are using me, as I have not heard from you until now, when you need something. you didn't even respond to the email that I wrote you, you didnt answer any of it, so I don't know
how you can say you're responding to my email when you're actually asking me to do you a favour. I mean, i'm a bit confused here, are you going to actually meet me to have me sign it or are you going to send it through the mail or have a go-between to meet me to sign it and then they can take it back to you so that way you dont have to see me and I won't be able to find out where you live?

Also, when you refused my offer to help originally, what were you planning on doing to stay? Because your only options were to be divorced before the app is filed which wasnt going to happen so that option was out the window. Then theres the petition to show proof that going back home would be a tremendous hardship which isn't true in your case. so then the last option you had is something I think you were going to go forward with -petitioning to waive a joint signature due to abuse and cruelty. But you couldnt provide them with enough evidence. Is that correct? Im not accusing you of doing that, but I work with what I have and it appears that you were going to go this route.

Everyone is telling me you are using me, just like everyone on your side told you to leave me, but a lot of friends are also telling me that signing those papers for you is both the right and wrong thing to do but are not pressuring me to do anything. I can't help but feel that one of the main reasons you don't want to be with me anymore is because of what your friends and family are saying to you and because you feel lonely, you don't want to lose them again by coming back to me. I could be wrong, but that's how I feel but then again, I'm pretty sure a huge reason is also that you just don't love me anymore.

You felt like I had pressured you when I came over to Ireland just to speak to you and try to understand things a bit. You wouldn't even talk to me or see me after I flew there. And now, you're putting tremendous pressure on me and you are pushing
me up against a wall and putting me in a terrible and unfair position. I know I said that I would help you in any way that I can, but you also said that you would love me forever and never leave me. I offered to help you because I never thought you were capable of the cruel and selfish way that you are treating me now. I never knew you had that in you, at all. I know I wasn't
the best person in the relationship and neither were you but I don't deserve the way you're treating me. I'm trying to make up for it with you but you're not allowing me to and you're not trying to make up for anything with me. You have no desire to know anything about my life and how I'm doing, and you are doing everything in your power to prevent me from finding out anythng
about you and your whereabouts. For all I know, you could already be dating someone. I understand your time and need for space, I dont understand the silent treatment and the way you're using me, however.

To be quite honest, I don't see why I should do this for you. I don't know whats going to happen with us, and thats totally up to you but I know that once you secure your stay in the States, you're just going to file for a divorce and not even give us a chance to start over and make it right. I know you don't want to be with me, I know you don't love me anymore so I can't expect you to want to give us any chance. But I cant lie and sign papers
saying that we are married, all for a man who cheated on me, lied about all your contact with your friends back in ireland, who thinks i'm an abuser when in actuallity I was sick and needed help (we both said mean things to each other,
we both hurt each other, that does not amount to abuse but since you believe I abused you, the same goes for you), who packed and left me when he had the chance without saying anything to me, who wouldn't come see me in the hospital when I was terrifyingly close to death, who refuses to speak to me or see me, who believes I ruined his life and allows everyone to badmouth me. I always stood up for you whenever my friends or family badmouthed you, despite the way you treated me. Its not the same with you.

You said you never verbally or emotionally abused me. Yes you did D. If you want to believe that I did that to you, you have done the same. Your lack of communication with me every single day, ignoring me when I cry, ignoring me when I speak, ignoring how I feel, and cheating and lying about what you do online, is all emotionally abusive. Walking away from someone who is ill and suicidal and needs help, in the way that you did, is to me, beyond abusive and neglectful. Its not up to you to make me better, but as my husband, you should have been there to hold my hand through the tough times. I never gave up on you despite all the hurtful things you've done to me and it pains me that you wouldn't do the same for me. Its the most painful thing, to be abandoned by your husband when you are so sick and in need of so much help. I would never wish that pain on anyone, and I only hope that if you ever end up in the same position as me, that your future wife never walks away from you because it is too hard for her to handle. I know I needed far too much from you that you weren't able to give. I realize this and I have apologised for that. It was a huge mistake on my part and I have learned from it and continue to learn.

I really want to do this for you because I still love you and I really want you to stay and I'm terrified that I will never get to see or talk to you ever again if you have to go back. But I do not see a point in doing this because the love is not mutual. You don't love me, you don't want to be with me, you wont even see or speak to me. You were more than willing to give me up and take the easy way out and find greener pastures on the other
side. I hope you find them, I really do. But to be honest D, and this is only because I want you to be happy in the future, you need to re-evaluate your role in the demise of our marriage, because believe it or not, you were at fault too. And you felt like me asking you to change certain behaviors of yours, was asking you to change who you are as a person, thats not the way it is at all. I loved you as a person, for everything you are.
But asking you to change behaviors that are detrimental to a relationship is not changing who you are, it is changing the relationship and the marriage for the better. Ive spoken
to my counselors about this, they all agree. I hope you realise this one day so that you are much happier in your future relationships and marriage and so it doesn't end like this again.
This relationship didn't fail just because of me and it was wrong of me to take all the blame in the beginning when you left. We both screwed up, equally. But I will never go back
to the way I was before as I can see how much of a burden I was. I hope you are able to put aside all of your pride and believe what I am saying, its only because I care.

So D, I can't sign these papers for you and then have you turn
around and file for divorce and leave my life for good. I love you Darryl and you know that but I shouldnt say it anymore and make a fool out of myself. That is the last time you will have to hear me say that again. You know how i feel, but it doesnt matter. I want to do this for you because in my heart, it is appears to be the RIGHT thing to do. I don't want to be like you and do the best thing for me and be that selfish, but I have to
be selfish now and i simply can't do this for you. You said you wanted me to take care of myself and I am now, I cannot be a doormat to be walked all over, to be used and abused,
and that is what you are doing to me and that is how you're making me feel.

Id rather not sign the papers and have you leave my life for good than to sign the papers and HOPE that you dont leave my life for good. I could only do this if I knew that you were
going to give us another chance but I know thats not going to happen so I just can't do it. I don't want to do any of this anymore. Im at a place where I am content with the way things
are going in my life right now. I can't bring myself back down to where you or anyone else can ever take that away from me. I'm not saying you did, but I am saying that if I sign these papers for you and you end up walking out of my life for good (it appears you already have, i only hear from you when you need something) I would be very angry with myself for believing that you could be a better person than that. You haven't shown me you can be.

You have shut me out of your life and have put everyone else but me, as a priority in your life. You and our previous relationship were always my number one priority. Everything
else in our previous lives that were in a sh*t state, were important to me too but they in no way took priority over our relationship. To you it is different, I know - but my relationship and the person I love will always supercede anything else in my life. there is no chance of us reconciling and that is your choice and because of this, I cannot
help you. I can't help someone who doesnt love me, has abandoned me for everyone else and is not willing to give me a chance.

I hope you can forgive me for not signing the papers, but this is what you chose for yourself, it was never what I wanted and it still saddens me tremendously that our once amazing
relationship had turned out so ugly. I know I probably wont hear from you again after I send this email, and even though I will be hurt, I will be OK with it, I'm ready to move on
just like you are doing now, I have no other choice but to do so. I hope you dont remember me as the girl who didn't help you when you needed it, but as the girl who used to make you happy (if I ever did) and someone you used to love. That is how I will always remember you. This is my closure.

So in the end of all this, I cant risk lying to immigration saying we're together when we're not. There are legal ramifications involved and I could get into serious trouble for lying should you file for a Divorce soon after. I'm not willing to jeopardize my future and bend over backwards
for you when you're not willing to do the same for me.

I'm Sorry.
Take Care.

P.S.: I'm relocating so if you want any of the stuff you left behind, (theres quite a bit), you
need to pick it up before the end of the month when I move away.