Thank you for your thoughts, they have me thinking.
First off, I'm having a hard time shaking the feeling that I'm betraying H by doing all this without him knowing. (I'm setting up a bank account this Sat. morning and applying online for a credit card) It's these calm periods- they mess with my head because everything feels OK, and I downplay how badly he can tear me down. "Is it really so bad? We have two beautiful kids, a nice house, nice cars, we're financially doing well, do I really want to rock the boat?" That's been going through my head the last several years, and I still hear the echos of it. But, with my job now, I finally feel strong enough that I can make it on my own, and I'm trying to silence those doubts.
Two things I feel I should point out- A) He's never been physically violent to me, so I'm not really afraid of him hurting me. I'm pretty sure he will help show me the door. I think my biggest risk is being frozen out of everything- the house, finances, etc.; and B) When he declared I deserved nothing last time, I was a SAHM, now I work full time. I guess he will claim he deserves the lion's share instead of everything this time around because his income is 3 times mine, and he's been working the whole time, whereas I've been at this 5 years.
I try to keep reminding myself of why I'm doing this and what I risk if I don't. I'm sure I'll let myself be pulled back into the whole mess if I don't take advantage of feeling strong right now.
