In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks Sandi. I keep telling myself that I am done writing letters--I swear the one I wrote last tuesday will be the last. She did go out tonight. I will have all the lights off. I said in the earlier reply to others that she dropped an email to my mother today saying that whatever happens she wants to be friends. My whole family despises her for what she is doing. My mother asked me if she could respond. I said that you say/do what you want. I am tired of walking on eggshells so nobody gets Joanne "angry". So if a woman who has been married for 40 years drops a line of what marriage is about, fine. Everyone is afraid, except me to tell her how they really feel because they are afraid of her reaction.

Sandi I did just that this morning. I know I am not supposed to get in a relationship discussion. Sometimes I just need to tell her what I feel sometimes. I just can't hold it in any more. I said:

-The one person you can't lie to is yourself. Don't say that this is best for you and the kids. It is about you. What is best for the kids is an intact family. They don't care if mommy is able to stand on her own two feet without a husband. This is all you.

-I am in therapy learning how to be a better person. You are in there already talking about a mediator for divorce proceedings and how to get your friends back that won't talk to you anymore. You have been plotting your escape plan since you dropped the bomb in May. You have not been working on anything on how to "fix" yourself.

-Her response: that may be true. that is what I am trying to figure out. She also said if I am happy the kids will be happy.....

-I finished with I felt I could have been super husband and we would be in the same marital status that we are today..

I know I let myself down by talking about the relationship, sometimes I just have to let her know where I stand.

Anyway, I will try to do better db'ing. I went out a couple nights back night and didn't tell her where or who I was going out with. You will enjoy this quick story. I get home and she is sound to sleep on the couch. I try to wake her up to go upstairs and she says lay with me. I said what, she said just stay here and lay with me. So I did for 5 minutes after she fell back asleep. I ask her the next morning if she remembers what happened last night. She said she doesn't remember. She took an ambien, two-three glasses of wine and her effexor(helps with her anger) and she doesn't rememer. I just said sorry to hear your not sleeping and you can't remember what you said.

Just a little more salt in my wounds...

Sandi, I just hope I have the strength to wait this thing out. It is hard just to look at her sometimes. She is the best actress I have ever met...