Not sure if this is MLC but...

[dmkdmkdmk]

I might need to edit this down a bit to get to the point. I'm a wordy girl...

Hey H.

Here's the thing about the bills and the money. I'm sincerely not trying to be a b!tch when I ask you about it. I'm not using it as a tool to manipulate or be spiteful towards you. I don't want you to be broke at the end of the month. When you chose to move out, the assumption was that you would be able to financially support yourself in addition to continuing to contribute to your half of our shared bills.

I understand that during the first few months of this separation, the money situation is going to be difficult. I'm not asking that you pay me the entire $1K+ that you owe me for your half of bills right away. I am, however, going to need more than a couple hundred here, a couple hundred there.

I understand that you have bills of your own. I also have bills of my own. I have car insurance, student loans, credit cards that I don't need you to pay towards. I haven't asked you for money for groceries for DD. I haven't asked you for money for any of the stuff that I need for the new baby. But I pay for my own bills and support my family and prepare for the new baby in addition to paying all of our shared bills in full, and having faith (and I still do, I know you need some time to adjust your finances) that you will honor your financial commitment to your children and to the home that we built together - I feel that making sure the mortgage is paid and the lights and utilities stay on is more important than the cell phones, the credit cards, and the rent on your separate home. DD is priority #1.

I guess one of my main points - please don't throw in my face the money that I spend on myself (e.g. the Coach bag). Yes, I have more money to spend than you do because I didn't leave my family and get an apartment and all of the expenses that come with it. I also am blessed with a kick-a$$ family from my parents who fed me the whole time you were at AT so that I didn't have to worry about making or buying dinner and chasing after a toddler alone every night (That is $150 at least) to your brother and his GF who came over and helped clean out DD's new room and brought over that toddler bed for her. I also saved a little money during the time that I've worked at <company> and that gives me a buffer, but I can't live forever on that if I'm paying the mortgage by myself. The mortgage payment is more than one of my paychecks. I don't feel that I'm out of line by treating myself once in a while - I know that you don't really care for me that much any more, but I am still nine months pregnant and on my best day I am extremely uncomfortable - on my worst days I'm in excruciating pain and can barely walk. I've made it through this pregnancy and managed to stay healthy knowing that you didn't care and were going well out of your way to show me. I deserve more than a low-end Coach purse, but I can't financially justify the Burberry right now.

You are getting exactly what you want - you don't have to answer to anybody about how you spend your time or money. You can come and go as you please. When you're tired, you can go home and sleep without having to worry about taking care of anybody. You can drop DD off and do whatever you want with your evenings. You can take her out and do fun things all day, and know that you don't have to clean up the messes you leave behind at the house, or give her a bath if she gets dirty, or fight to get her into bed, or deal with her when she's hysterical because Daddy's leaving, or wake up with her in the middle of the night when she's sick. You don't have to wake up early and take her to grandma's, or make sure she has clean clothes or diapers or milk. You don't even have to worry about the well-being of your pregnant wife. You have decided that maybe the family lifestyle isn't for you and you want another shot at being a responsibility-free single guy again, but I don't have the same option (I'm not complaining - I don't think I'd trade a single poopy diaper, a snot-covered shirt, or tears that I have to make go away for a day where I didn't get a hug or kisses or "I love you mom" from our beautiful daughter). As I promised, I haven't checked up on your bank account or anything else since the day that you told me you didn't feel the same about being married anymore. The only thing that I've asked is that you uphold your part of the financial commitment to the home and family that you helped create, regardless of whether or not you want to be part of it.

I do sincerely hope that this is a temporary situation, and that we're able to work through it - but right now we are not on the same team. I'm working for the family - DD, the baby, and me - but not to subsidize your new life and your choices that have removed you from the family. If you have any issues with any of the individual bills that I have on the spreadsheet, let me know, but I think it's fair (and might be more favorable to you than the required support that would come with legal separation and divorce).

Thanks for reading, I hope you understand me better and don't think I'm just being a PITA when I'm asking you for a check. Other than counseling, it's the only thing I've asked from you.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Also, I did check with a lawyer today and I can't file for support unless i'm filing for divorce or legal separation.

On the other hand, if he's insistent that the kids and I stay in the house, I can get "alimony" in addition to the child support to cover part of the mortgage.

[Mach1]

Hey D,

Are you planning on sending that ?

If you are ?

I like the first two and a half paragraphs.....

The rest is very guilt written.....

You are showing him.....Don't need to tell him too....

If not ?

It's still a good idea to write it, cause that is the way YOU feel...

Just be careful what you send...

Guilt is good, but it CAN'T come from you....

How are ya holdin up, other than that ?

[Tomato]

not that you asked for it dmk but the letter needs to be trimmed back for sure. If it was a girl --> girl letter that would be great, but that is not the case. Us guys ..we need lots of white space on the page ..fewer words. just the mars/venus thing I reckon as for the reason.

I presume your intention is for him to read the whole thing and although I do not know him or much at all of your sitch ..the gender connection allows me to not go our too far on a limb to say it has to be edited for brevity and made simple for the audience it is intended for ..a guy. Other wise less than 1% will be given much of a look by him.

Had this post been to a guy, I would have had to practice what I preached, but the posts always have the illusion (to me anyway) of seeming much longer until I hit submit.

Peace

T

[cat04]

I have to agree with Mach on this one. Way too many words that are full of guilt. Yes they are how you feel, which is justified and understandable. You actually seem much less angry than I would expect.

Personally, I would also not address the Coach bag. You are allowed to buy stuff for yourself without having to explain that to anyone (unless of course it were to put you and your kids in major financial straits). I would simply say this is how much I need, this is how much you would contribute if you were here and leave it at that. You may have to consider separation in order to get the amount that you need and with two babies, well I don't think anyone would think less of you if you have to go that route.

[dmkdmkdmk]

And that's why I didn't send it yet Editing...

[dmkdmkdmk]

Is this better?

Hey H.

Here's the thing about the bills and the money. I'm sincerely not trying to be a b!tch when I ask you about it. I'm not using it as a tool to manipulate or be spiteful towards you. I don't want you to be broke at the end of the month. When you chose to move out, the assumption was that you would be able to financially support yourself in addition to continuing to contribute to your half of our shared bills.

I understand that during the first few months of this separation, the money situation is going to be difficult. I'm not asking that you pay me the entire $1K+ that you owe me for your half of bills right away. I am, however, going to need more than a couple hundred here, a couple hundred there.

And to be short and sweet and to the point - I have bills of my own, and you have bills of your own. At this point, it's none of my concern what you spend outside of what you need to give me, and I feel that it is none of yours what I spend on my bills and my extras. Our #1 financial concern needs to be that the kids have a roof over their heads and that the joint expenses are taken care of. I know you'll get caught up, but I don't want to perpetually pick up the slack because you feel that I have more "extra" than you.

Thanks for reading, I hope you understand me better and don't think I'm just being a PITA when I'm asking you for a check.

[dmkdmkdmk]

It felt good to write last night. I pretty much knew it would be counterproductive to send all of it.

[Mach1]

How do YOU feel about it.....

I can't tell you what to say to him.....

All I can say is that I don't see any guilt in there....

But then again, I'm not him..

Those long guilt letters do make US feel better don't they.

Depending on his mood , and Tomato is correct here , He MAY or MAY NOT read the whole thing....

So state what you want to say early...

Good luck....

[dmkdmkdmk]

I know, I'm not going to send the first version. It's really nothing that he doesn't know already. He brought DD home on Monday when my parents were over helping hang up blinds and he couldn't even look my dad in the eye.

I'll go with the second letter, or better yet - I'll just say it when he comes over later after work. He HATES notes.