I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

journaling..

Had a rough morning today. Woke up with horrible knots in my stomach and chest pains and could barely breathe, followed by constant wretching and nearly throwing up everytime. Its worse than its ever been in awhile.

I think its from not knowing what to do with H's request. As of right now, I am very confused about what to do, but I am leaning heavily towards not signing it. I am still worried about never seeing him again if I don't do this for him but he chose that. He knew there would be a possibility that he wouldn't be able to stay here without my help. Its not my problem, its his problem now. He left me behind with problems to deal with, without any of his help, I think he needs to do this on his own and deal with the consequences of his actions.

I know for sure that if I don't sign, he will not be able to stay and its a guarantee that he will get deported. There are no other options for him. He thought there was, thats why he didn't accept my help in the beginning. Now that he knows the only option is to for me to sign papers, he's going for it in his own selfish way.

I mean, what exactly does he want me to do?? Because as I recall correctly, and I have read up about the procedures, I would have to go to an interview with an immigration official WITH him and pretend to be loving married couples AND THEN sign the papers. He's only asking me to sign a form, which doesn't make any sense from what I've researched. He didn't specify meeting with him, or having the papers sent to me, or having a go-between hand it over to me and then back to him. Because he has done everything in his power to prevent me from knowing anything about his life and his whereabouts. Agh, feck it. Why do I care? Its not like he cares about my feelings at all. But I'm not like him. I don't like hurting other people, no matter what they've done to me. But I know I have to set boundaries and I just can't let him walk all over me like I feel he is doing now.

Ok enough about him. Time for me. I AM MOVING!!!! I have to say it again. B IS MOVING!!! WOOHOO! I've waited so long for this day! And now its finally here and it feels so good.

I should start doing some packing as I have loads of stuff and I need to sort through what I can sell and what I want to keep. There is SO much that it's going to take the whole month to finish doing this! Going to add to the email to H that he needs to come pick up his stuff if he wants it. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I have a C appt today and I would like to talk to her about H's request, see what she thinks, and also talk about my neediness, WHICH mind you, is getting a lot better. I feel more independent now, I have looked back on the R and realised my role in the demise of the M, and because I'm aware of it, I know what needs to be worked on and I think I am doing a good job with it. I've been to detach slightly from H which is still good, it's going to take a long time to fully detach but I'm proud of myself that I got as far as I did, I truly didn't think I would make it.

But things are looking up for me and I'm not going to let his email bring me, I just can't go back to that. I love him, but I have to protect myself, I just can't sign those papers for him. My heart AND my head tells me that he is just using me. If both are telling me that, I know what the answer is. I just hope that he will be able to forgive me and not see me as someone who ruined his life but as someone who he once loved and made him happy. Thats the way I choose to see him as well. I'm not going to dwell about the negatives and the things he's done to me, Whats the point? It only creates more heartache, and I don't need anymore of that - certainly not. I choose to remember the good times, not long for it again, but just to keep it as a beautiful memory that will always be in my heart and mind.

I'm going to make this a productive day. I've already written a draft of the email I am going to send him. I feel like, this is the last contact that I'll have with him and I feel like its ok, like I am ready to let go. Because of this, the email has said everything I've always wanted to say to him that he would never want to hear or listen to or talk to me about. Because I truly think it's over between us now, I feel its ok to tell him exactly how I feel. It's not mean and vindictive, its simply straightforward and to the point and something I've always wanted to get off my chest.

I know once the email gets sent to him, the contact between us will most likely be over. I don't know for sure that this will happen but my gut tells me that it is. And to be honest, it saddens me, but I think I am ready for it. I think I'm really ready to just let him go and be, on his own, without me. I'll be ok, I have to be ok. Because I want to survive and love again, not the way we did, but love without the messiness that was once our R. Proper, mature, unconditional love, where we both value each other and the R. With communication, patience, understanding, and a deep friendship. I will work on myself so that whenever the time comes for a new R, I won't make the same mistakes again. I have learned a lot from this board and from all the books I've read and from C. I'll make sure that I never lose that knowledge and go back to my old ways. Thats a promise that I will make to myself and I will keep it.