I'm pretty sure that nowhere in my post to you did I suggest agreeing to get rid of the evidence of her affair.
The whole point of my post is that YOU are in the position of having to walk an incredibly difficult tightrope. The truth is that this is the case with the majority of folks who find themselves here.
People here presumably do not want a divorce, hence their presence at Divorce Busting. Early in our stories, close to the dropping of the bomb, the most common mistake is to yield to the leaving spouse as a method of showing them that we will do anything to save the marriage. This fails because it makes us look desperate and pathetic to a spouse who has already decided that we were not worthy of their time or commitment.
So you come here and we advise you to establish boundaries and avoid relationship talks. This is not because talking about your marital issues is bad - FAR from it. The problem is that early onand while our spouse is in La-La land, we are ill equipped to have a relationship talk without either getting angry (making the situation worse) or bending to their onslaught and agreeing with them completely (again making the situation worse for us).
As you begin to get your legs under you again in your recovery from the bomb, it's time to take your approach to the next level. Assuming you are a reasonably intelligent man, and that you are now on a slightly stronger emotional standing, you should begin to develop the ability and skill of handling a "relationship" talk without falling in to those old traps. In fact, if you are ready, it becomes an opportunity for you to reinforce your message on behavioral boundaries AND send the message to your spouse that you love them, you are capable of forgiveness, and you are willing to rebuild your marriage into a stronger and better one.
My take after reading through this thread is that most o fthe conversations you share have you cutting off talks prematurely even though your wife is regularly saying things to express either her self-disgust or her feeling of not being accepted. In no case (in THIS thread) did I read of you expressing loving compassion and understanding. At no point did I read of you affirming your love in a way other than the words "I love you." I trust you're able to understand that a person who is teetering on the brink of the abyss is less than completely reassured by those three words, no matter how heartfelt they are delivered.
Look, I'd love to pile on and say that the ball is in your wifes court and all you have to do is avoid touchy issues and constantly reinforce your boundaries. But as Michelle would tell us, the burden for finding a way to heal this relationship rests on the spouse who is rational enough and willing enough to do the hard work. Yeah, it seems to give her a free pass of sorts, and maybe it does for a time. I'm not telling you to give in on sensitive boundary issues and allow her to walk all over you. I'm telling you that you can balance your boundaries with your work towards showing her that she has a home with you still.
In coaching football we always have to be concerned about how much information we try to put in our players heads. We don't want them to get in a game situation and get "paryalysis from analysis." In short, we don't want them thinking so much that they can't play effectively. I'm detecting much of that in you. You're so worried about saying the right or wrong thing, that you're missing opportunities to make big plays.
Rather than trying to find the magic words, it's been my experience that the truth that is naturally in your heart tempered with a realistic view of your situation is a more than adequate approach. If you're trying to remember my words, or Puppy's words, or anyone else's words, you're not being genuine, and trust me, she will smell it a mile away.
There was no reason to delete the emails. If you have not don so, I would change my mind. At this point, it should be something you keep to yourself until more significant positive progress shold develop in your sitch.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
