I am hoping some of the kind people on this site might be able to help me. I have posted a few one-off questions across the past few weeks, but wanted to relay my full situation in hopes of guidance.
My husband and I have been separated 8 months. We are both 32 w no kids. We met in college and have been together 11 years, married 5. He moved out in Dec into a dorm (was going to business school). He has since graduated and gotten his own apartment and continually telling me he has moved on and wants out. I desperately want to work on our marriage. I have read DR and did 3 sessions w a coach.
A little more background- we for the most part had a good marriage (no infidelity abuse etc), strong friendship, etc, but at times had doubts that i had gotten married before i was ready. he felt at times that i was not committed to the marriage. i always was but I understand in hindsight that I said and did things that made him feel taken for granted. At one time he was a very doting and loving husband. He also didn't deal w a lot of issues along the way (things like conflicts w his family, was resentful of the fact that i made more $ than him, didn't change my name, etc) - never brought those up in our marriage and now they are all coming out now that we are separated. I've done a lot of soul searching and absolutely recognize things I have done/said wrong along the way. I do believe if he'd give me the chance to show him the person I have become he'd be open to reconciliation, but he's very black/white and feels like there is too much water under the bridge, that i emasculated him, etc. (I think he had some of his own prior insecurities regardless, but he is blaming everything on me).
While he was finishing his 2nd semester of grad school, he was nonstop partying, going out all the time, hooking up w girls (he told me this). He has a new job lined up and even a little modeling gig on the side...so i think he truly feels like life has opened up a whole new window of opportunity for him and he does not want to deal w past baggage of our fighting (it got to the point where we were fighting over everything, where to go to dinner, etc.... he always gave into me - i think i was a bit controlling and he was a bit too differential to me..a dynamic we both contributed to).
In the few times (once every 3-4 weeks or so since we've separated) that we've gotten together, i've done my best to show him my 'other side'...practicing patience, kindness, deferring to him about little things, listening to him, complimenting him. etc. In the early days of our separation we still fought a bit, then i pleaded and begged a bit, and for the past few months I have been doing my 180 of just leaving him alone, not pursuing, etc. He knows he has the upper hand and that I want him back...so it's gotten to the point that some of my friends and fam think he's using me as a doormat - borrowing my car, asking me to pay him back for health insurance $ (when i paid part of his tuition and our rent here). we've never fought about $ before but now it's come out that it's really bothered him that i made more $, and he tells me he never thought he was good enough for me. We also come from different backgrounds (cultural, socio-econ) and apparently he feels like I looked down on him. Not at all true, I admire him for who is is and where he's come from, and have repeatedly told him that lately but not enough during the marriage, he felt.
He tells me know that this is my doing and I brought it upon myself. There are many sacrifices I have made for him over the years (moving 2x, changing jobs, financially etc) too... but regardless I love my husband dearly and am committed to our marriage and more than anything want it to work. I have written him a letter and an email telling him about all of the reflecting and soul searching i have done, apologizing for things past, taking responsibility and acceptance for myself and leaving out any blame. I think he feels what's been said and done in past is hard to get over (i did say some hurtful things about him family to him, for that i am truly sorry), plus he has this whole new life he's excited about and "does not want to be married right now"
I don't know what to do. My only hope was asking him to go to Retrouvaille program in Sept since he will not do counseling again. We are both Catholic and I want to honor my vows. I just want to be able to talk to him in a constructure fashion. I love him dearly. He says he will always care about me but does not love me in that way. Nothing has been filed yet but he's threatened a few times. He is out of the country through August and doesnt start his job till October. I keep busy w my work and friends and hobbies - trying to GAL and be positive - but many days I just break down and cry.
I have not reached out to any of his friends or family, so not to seem pursuing. But there is part of me that wants to talk to one of his male friends - who was best man at our wedding and also a good friend of mine - about the sitch and see if he can offer any guidance on what to do, or if helping to see if H will go to Retro. I don't want the D but am afraid when H gets back from his trip he may want to file.
I love him and am so sad to see a marriage end over issues that I believe are reconcilable. I understand where he is coming from too, but I don't believe in D without giving it all you've got...which is why I was hoping most for Retro.
Anything else anyone here can suggest? I am trying to strike a balance b/w getting on w my life (there are days this is all I can think about) and doing everything I can to save my marriage.
I would love your insight as I have been following many of your threads and some are similar.
