Divorce not busted 2

[Orich]

Wow.
Thank you, Sandi, you obviously care a lot as evidence by that post. I truly appreciate it.
As far as intimacy goes, yes, I do wish I could have it again. Badly. Very badly. However, I can honestly say that I don't communicate that to her at all. In fact, there have been one or two occasions where she has said things where I could have easily said or done something to show my eagerness. Just as an example, recently at a ball game, a woman with large breasts moved past us in the row. My little guy said something to the effect of "Wow, Mommy, her boobies are bigger than yours" or something to that effect. W turned to me with wide eyes and a smile and said that he was going to be like me. I just chuckled and said "yeah".
The point is that I have come to a very strange place where I can put off those feelings around her, usually by saying a prayer in my mind for strength whenever I feel the urge around her (which is often!) When we were first together, even after being married for a few years, we ML very frequently, almost nightly. She always had a high drive. All I had to do was brush past her in the bathroom while she was doing her make-up, and we were late for whatever she was getting made up for. Now, I certainly avoid body contact, or try to distract myself from looking at her in her tight t-shirt or whatever, and so far it is working. I never bring up anything sexual, where I used to tell her she looked hot or sexy, now I say she looks pretty, etc.
Bottom line is that I don't think I come across as needy at all. In fact, I have been detaching pretty well. She comes to me now asking about things that are going on rather than me volunteering the information. Two GALs that have her scratching her head are that I am going by myself to a Titanic artifacts exhibit by myself next month, and will be attending November's Whiskyfest both in the city. I never mentioned my plans until she saw the confirmations that came in the mail.
Yesterday's birthday party for my son went very well, and after everyone left, we were alone cleaning, etc, then sat and looked at all the digital pictures I took. When we finished, I excused myself and went to bed. I do that a lot now. I have to get up at 4 am every morning to go to work. I used to wait up for her sometimes until after 11 or 12 to have sex. Now, I pretty much go to bed at 10 without a word other than good night.
As far as OM is concerned, I still don't know how much of a factor that is/was. She told me of her feelings long before he entered the picture. We were already no longer intimate, and she was already talking about leaving. He came along while she was in a low point, and listened to her, to which she responded. I don't think there was any attraction or rejection there. I know the guy. It's a gut feeling. I could be wrong, of course, but that's what I believe.
I can't think of something she might have mentioned that she feels I am not giving her. The closest thing I can think of is that she is more outgoing than me, and she had mentioned this to me, that I don't start conversations with our friends when we are together. I will join them but never initiate. I have since changed that about myself. I don't know if that fits what you are saying.
I honestly don't know how she would react if I acted flirty to her. I guess I have been afraid to be that way for just the reasons I just wrote about. I fear her rejecting me all over again. Plus, if I started getting flirty, and she doesn't respond, it would be physically painful as well.
So, you see, I am in a very difficult place right now, sustained only by those few words she did text to me that Saturday morning. They cut through the Great Sadness and gave me the hope I need to continue to wait in this limbo. Many people I know don't realize just how difficult this is. I am losing my best friend, the person I love more than anyone else in the world, and my lover, all at the same time. I have no one close enough to me anymore to talk about those things about myself that I only spoke to her about. Half of my heart has been not so surgically removed from my body leaving a tremendous empty feeling. And being a highly sexual person, every woman I look at now becomes reduced to a fantasy to me, and the only woman I want to fantasize about has had to become off limits.
But with the help of God and the fine people here, I will prevail, hopefully with my beautiful bride by my side.