My first SSM thread

[bluerain]

I have been posting over in infedelity for a year or so now, and have decided maybe the A wasnt my biggest problem!

I was the LDS in my M. We were together for about 3 yrs when our sex life started to waver a little. At the time we were still dating, H got an infection in one of his testicles, (not an STD type of thing) and I was turned off by that. Things recovered from there and we moved on. We moved to a new town, hes in the coast guard, and we spent the summer living in a cabin and tents. I was resentful of H for making me homeless. I couldnt find a job, and he would go to the ship for duty, where he had a real bed, a kitchen where he was served meals, a shower and a TOILET! Without a bathroom, or you know, solid walls, I wasnt comfortable ML. We were in a crowded campground and I didnt have any way to clean up. During this time H's ship would leave for days, sometimes weeks at a time, I was left alone, no job, no friends, no roof over my head. I didnt complain, I just kept our house in my sights.

In sept of 2003 we bought our home, and I found a job. Things were going great. H got another infection. We talked about it and it finally occured to me that maybe it could affect me too. I asked him and he mumbled, doc thinks that you should get checked. I couldnt beleive that he would have exposed me to something like that and not told me, and what about before? Was I letting some kind of infection wreak havoc on my reproductive tract? I went in and everything seemed fine. But it was a major blow to my trust for H.

That december we got married, a tiny ceremony at our house, followed by a raging party. Things went fine for a while, our sex returned and we had by all accounts a happy M. I was working full time and going to school full time. He would leave for his trips with work, which I started to resent, he was gone about half the year, so when he was home I felt pressured to perform, but things were ok.

In december of 2006 we went on a cruise, I said it was our honeymoon, because we never had one. It was great, there isnt quite anything like a vacation to reawaken your desire! We had a great time.

2007 went well, I did well at school, and work was fine for both of us. H was transferred to another ship, which was gone just as much, possibly more. In early 2008 I quit my job, with H's blessing, to go to school and really focus on my studies. I thought that things were going well, we ML every few weeks, not enough for either of us to be satisfied really, but I think that it was mostly my birth control that messed with my hormones, sort of sealing the fate of my sex drive after what I saw as H's failings of me.

H left for a 9 week trip the day after valentines day, 2008. He was going to my hometown, his ship needed to go to the ship yard for some work, and the crew would be staying in a hotel. About halfway through the trip H got to come home for a visit, and he spent about a week with me, during which he seemed distant. We had a HUGE fight 2 days before he left. He was all mixed up about where we were in the city and he took off trying to prove that he was right, when he tried to come back, he passed me by a block, so I called his cell to see where he was and he said that he could see me, and I was standing in front of a taxi. I couldnt understand what he meant, and I finally figured out where he was and saig, "Oh, thats not a taxi, its a pizza delivery car!" He screamed at me "you always have to be f-ing right, dont you!" and took off. Leaving me downtown in a city alone at about midnight. I almost had to run to keep him in sight. When I got back to the hotel he was waiting at the door for me, I passed him and went to another entrance. I was so angry with him.

He left 2 days later, we never really made up for that fight. We got along ok afterwards, but things definately werent right when he left. I hated the way that he left. And he started not answering, or returning my calls, we always said goodnight. I was determined to make things better, and I started to get a bad feeling, that he was seeing someone. I even knew who it was. I dont know how. When he came back, I saw his truck in the driveway after class and I rushed in and gave him the biggest hug I could, he didnt really hug back. I said "whats with the half hearted hug?" he said "We need to talk" I agreed that we did and I said you go first. He said theres someone else. I got up and left. He was saying something to me as I was leaving, I guess he was saying that I wasnt the one who needed to leave or something.

He wouldnt agree to try, just wanted out so he could be with this M OW. My dad tried his hand at MC, and H wouldnt even acknowledge that he was there. My dad thought of him as his son, and I know that my dad will not recover from his disrespect. When he finally left I asked H why he would have acted like that. He said "did you want me to tell him that you were sexually unavailible?".

H moved out shortly before my birthday, still had the nerve to tell me happy birthday. He couch surfed for the rest of the summer, made 2 visits to the OW, who lived on the other side of the state and maintained his attitude that he didnt want to work on anything. On the 2nd visit he caught her with another man when he tried to surprise her. So their R ended. He was transferred to Va august of 2008.

We started communicating regullarly in early 2009, we both apolgized for 2008, the whole year was just crap. Finally the end of May he said he wanted to try again, then towards the end of June he said he was having doubts. He still says that he is confused, and we are communicating much, much less now, I dont initiate it at all. You can get a more detailed decription of this whole episode on my infidelity thread.

I know that I wasnt sexually availible. I understand that. But he wasnt emotionally availible. I told him that I needed him to hold my hand, sometimes even when people were looking! He said it seemed like we were showing eachother off. I remember the last time he held my hand. We got out of the truck in the walmart parking lot, I grabbed his hand, before we were even halfway accross the lot, he dropped mine. That still seems so sad to me. When we were out in public he acted more like my brother than my husband, and I always really missed that.

Now I have read DB, DR, SSM, and my newest one, hope for the separated. Im not sure if its appropriate for me to be posting over here, but I thought I'd hit you all up for some perspective. Hes 32, Im 27, we were together for 9 years, married for 6. No kids, though we both acknowledged last year, during the A that we had changed our minds about that.

Holy moley, that got long fast!