I got the approval on the apartment yesterday, and I should hear in a few days the exact apartment number they’ll be giving me. I have to stop by to drop off the security deposit and sign the lease, then I’m good to go.
I was talking with a friend of mine here at the office over lunch yesterday (obviously without going into details about the how and why). As an attorney and someone who’s been through a divorce, he was giving me some things to think about in terms of finances and personal property. My head was spinning by the time we were done.
I haven’t had any conversations with H about our M since the last one about two weeks ago. I feel like I need to talk to him about this before I actually pull the trigger, I wish I could let go of that feeling. All this stuff to do without him knowing- getting the apartment, my own checking acct, my own credit card, etc… (I only got as far as the apartment; I’m not sure how to do the rest without him knowing). I feel like I should be upfront and honest about this, and let him know what's going on.
My plan was to tell him the weekend of 8/22, and move the first week of Sept. That would give him two weeks notice. I was also planning on telling him at his sister’s after telling her what I was doing and why, so that ONE person, besides H, knows my side of the story. I am so anxious waiting for that date to get here; I want to get it over with. I’m wondering if I just go ahead and do it now…
I feel your pain. We all do. We are all so proud of you for setting your boundaries. From your words I can tell you are a good person. Good people deserve to be treated GOOD. You have not been treated that way for a long time. You are totally justified for doing what you HAVE to do. Your M/R was NOT healthy. You are doing this for your and your children's health and well being. Like I said before. Nothing is set in stone. You can move out, file for divorce, battle in court for mons/yrs. and your H could finally "get it" and DECIDE to DO the WORK and convince you that he has REALLY CHANGED.
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Big hugs for you.
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I feel like I should be upfront and honest about this, and let him know what's going on.
That's a natural feeling and it's because of the kind of person you are. He is not the kind of person you are. Please journal, post, call friends, do whatever you have to to alleviate that feeling but do not tell him what you are doing until you have to.
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My plan was to tell him the weekend of 8/22, and move the first week of Sept. That would give him two weeks notice.
I think you mentioned talking to your counselor about this. Why two weeks? I'm just curious as to what you're thinking about this. I mean...it's not a job. Have you gone over in your head what you expect to happen when you tell him this?
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I was also planning on telling him at his sister’s after telling her what I was doing and why, so that ONE person, besides H, knows my side of the story.
HIS sister? What is your relationship with her like? Have you talked about THIS with your counselor? I'm confused a bit...you are planning to discuss it with her first? And then later tell him there? Please please run all this through other people so others can help you see possible consequences for different courses of action.
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I am so anxious waiting for that date to get here; I want to get it over with. I’m wondering if I just go ahead and do it now…
Bunny, I get it about your anxiety. I really do, but in the effort to alleviate an uncomfortable feeling...what else could happen? Will you feel LESS anxiety if he freaks out and begs for you not to leave? Promises to change? Or...starts blaming you for the way you feel and tears you down for what you want to do? That will NOT make you feel BETTER. Please think. I know this is really hard, but you can get through it.
I thought that giving him a little notice was only fair, isn't it? I thought two weeks gave him a little time to get used to the idea. We could work out an agreement of what I'm taking to the apartment, get our own separate financial affairs arranged, and have arrangements worked out concerning D16. (OK, that may be a pipe dream...) The apartment is 2 bedroom so D can have her own space there in addition to her room at the house. I also need to make sure I have somewhere for S18 to sleep if he's home for the weekend from college.
I am concerned about a couple issues with telling H that I'm leaving. First off, I am NOT worried about him begging me to stay, making promises, crying, any of that. You were more on target by saying that he's going to turn this around on me- that I'm making too much out of his previous comments because of my "insecurities", focusing on the worst things he said and blowing them up (he's already accused me of that one when I reminded him in our last discussion of his cheating threat. To which he replied, "I meant that as a possibility, not a definite...) The only things he may argue are 1) waiting two years until D is done with high school, and 2) what I'm taking to the apartment. He has stated and proved that he is not willing to live in a traditional marriage long term. He is already antsy since I quit those activities last winter, and he says he hasn't attempted going out on his own out of respect for my feelings. Not that he doesn't want to- he told me that he has a couple of women picked out whom he would like to contact. I should be feeling grateful for that, I guess. And I'm sure he is going to be furious at the financial hit this is going to take on us.
I am sure H is going to play up my alleged insecurities and confidence issues when he tells his family that we split. No way will he mention his role in the breakdown. After all, why would he tell them he pushed swinging in our marriage? That was why I thought I would tell his sister- so someone in his family knows that this isn't all my fault. The plan I was considering: showing her the profiles he set up on the websites and having her witness my deleting the joint ones (his single male profile I can't touch). Call H to meet me at his sister's and tell him I was leaving, and head home. His sister can talk to him and support him after I leave. I'm really thinking he has a sex addiction besides his control issues- maybe she can talk him into getting an IC for himself. Depending on how he takes things, I can move myself into our son's room temporarily until I moved to the apartment since he will have left for college a few days earlier. I am open to suggestions to this plan if anybody has any- am I missing anything?
SB, I would not telegraph anything that you are planning to your h. Just don't! There is nothing about him that is healthy or rational. I just wouldn't risk it if I were you.
And certainly no way would I announce my intentions and then remain in the same house with him. Just tell him you're leaving and go home to your new place. None of this has been good for you or your kids and I can see the potential for more danger ahead.
But it's probably mostly not a great idea. I think if you try to talk to his family, he will end up trying to manipulate you and them. You know he is good at it. Somehow, he will try to turn it all back on you. He will use your supposed insecurities against you. Somehow, it will still be your fault.
You know you are doing the right thing. You are the only one that has to know why, it doesn't matter to anyone else. Don't worry about what they think, you only have to answer to you.
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 08/05/0903:16 AM.
Spybunny...Just wanted to stop by your thread and catch up on your stich. You have been to mine several times and have talked to me so I wanted to talk to you too. I am very concerned for you, your kids, and your well being!!
Your stich is far mare alarming than I got from your posts on my thread. I would have to say that you are in a much worse situation than I am. (I am not trying to down play my thread but my H has NOT gone this far with me.)
I feel most of the same emotions that you have been dealing with too (as you already know) but your H has gone over the line in the sand by miles.
You should never have to compromise who you are for the sake of someone else's happiness.
My H asked me about 3somes, I said NO and stuck to my guns. My H asked me about doing sexual things that I was uncomfortable with, I said NO and stuck to my guns. When my H wanted to come back, I set bounderies about the profiles on the internet, the sex texting, and the porn surfing. He said he stopped, I CHECKED for MYSELF. I made him call the OW in front of me, put her on the speaker phone, and tell her she could no longer contact him, he would have nothing to do with her, and that they would no longer be friends, that he was working on his M and she was not a part of it. I have stuck to my bounderies. As far as all my checking up on my H, I have found out that he has done some surfing. I again stated my bounderies and he has stopped.
I put my foot down on his activities and told him that under no circumstances would I accept it. If he could not accept what bounderies I was setting forth, then I was out of the M. My H has at least stopped, seen the errors of his ways (to a point), has set up and gone to MC (and is open in them, I think), and has shown effort in making the M work.
WHERE HAS YOUR H DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS??? NOWHERE!!!!
He is emotionally abusing you, sexually abusing you, mentally abusing you. I am so very proud of you that you have decided to get your own place. This will serve him notice that you have set your bounderies and are sticking to it.
One thought about telling your H 2 weeks before you move. My answer heck no. He has already stated that you deserve nothing. Think about him changing locks while you are out, think about him destroying stuff, selling, hiding stuff. If there is no legal papers that states he can't do those things, then he is within his rights to do it. Tell him the day before you move, is my opinion. If I am wrong, please others tell me too.
Bank accounts? Go to a different bank than the one you and your H bank at. They don't share info.
Credit cards? Go to a different company than the one you may hve now.
Legal advice? Hire a good lawyer now.
Feeling embarrassed about your past activities? There are lots of people in this world that do things that they later regret. You tried something that you thought would help your M, it did not. Do not feel embarrass by what you have done, lots of people having a kinky side, but most don't admit to it because they dont' want others to see them as abnormal. I am proud of you for admitting what you have on here to all of us. That took alot for you to do that. I do not think any less of you. (My sister does all kinds of crazy things, and I have a couple of friends that enjoy activities outside their M.)
Sorry this post is so long but I had to start at the beginning and go from there. I feel your pain, anxiety, numbness, tiredness, hurt, resentment, sometimes anger, and most of all, the fact that you don't want to hurt another human being. That is what makes you so much better than your H. He doesn't care about hurting you. I will pray for you and keep up on your post.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
OK, I know it has been said, but Holy Cow! I just read your whole post and the progression you have made just from your first post to where you are at now is awesome. Your H has tried to convince you that you are insecure because it allows him to manipulate. The actions you are showing now are strong and you should be proud of your strength. In my sitch I am dealing with a H who is an addict and I would say your H fits that bill to a T. He is filling some kind of void with sex and has gotten some kind of sick satisfaction from pulling you into it. He needs to get help. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are respected and treated with dignity. The fact that there isn't stress all the time is just part of the cycle of abuse. He has to provide you some happiness or you won't go along with things. It's his manipulation. I hear what you are saying about the couples profile, but I don't understand why you wouldn't take that off. I want to challenge your thinking here a littl. He is pimping you out on that site. It is as much yours as it is his. You are not taking his profile down, you are removing yourself from something you didn't agree with from the start. He does not own the right to you because he posted it in the first place. I'm sorry if that came across as too strong, I just want you to know that anything that has to do with you, it yours!!! When you are in the midsts of this as long as you have been, I think you become brain washed. I am so glad you are getting the help and support you need. And, I hope your D chooses to stay with you full-time.
Great post, lost!! Yes, remember Bunny, he thinks you deserve nothing. Words like upfront, honest and fair mean nothing to him. I have read many other women's stories on other sites where their husbands did exactly the things lost mentioned...changing locks, destroying their things, or just plain keeping them.
And another thing...the first two weeks are the most dangerous. Don't be under the same roof with him then.
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