Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[sandi2]

Hi Ashlee, I've not forgotten about you but I knew you were in good hands here. Although I love SDFG's spunk and would be exactly like her....I think if you push your H to move out of the bedroom then he will simply use that for his excuse to make you out to be the bad guy who wasn't giving him sex (like he whined for) so he had no choice but turn the A into a PA. (Exuse me while I throw up.)That is what he will tell those who want to hear his side of the story. He would end up looking like the victim. Ugh!

Of course, H could move out and think "since we are separated, I can go ahead and be with OW and it's not cheating because we aren't together." This is where the confusion for me begins.

As I said, I would be like SDFG and I’d be sleeping in my bedroom without H there and I would do everything just like she said she did! But, I have a strong feeling that it will not work so well with your H in your stitch. He is already at the door of turning this into a PA, so it’s almost like giving him an invitation to do it. He is no where ready to make a “choice” between you and OW and he made that pretty obvious with his wishy-washy indecisions and saying that he would “try”. Are you kidding me? TRY???

Speaking as an almost WAW who had an EA, I don’t think he will be able to “wean” away from the A with OW. It is a powerful addiction and every time he has one contact he is feeding that addiction and there is no way he will stop by tapering off. There is only one way and that is going “cold turkey”. Yes, it feels like hell, but when the WAS makes that choice from a “free will” then he needs to keep the prize before him. (BTW, I sure liked the way Almost put all of that into words. Wanting to know she wasn’t the left-over her H came home to b/c things didn’t work out between him and OW but rather b/c she was the prize!)

Ashlee I just can’t see myself hanging on to a man who would be unfaithful to me in our M for 3-5 years (or longer) and somehow I don’t see you doing that either. You are very smart and I really like how you are standing up for yourself and wanting to protect your son-- even at the risk of walking away from this MR. Your H doesn't even see what he did wrong in the way he behaved poorly with your son. May have to remind him that he is "suppose" to be the adult in these situations.

I know from my own experience in an EA that if your H does not sever all ties and any thoughts at the possibility for future contacts with OW that he has not made the necessary moves to do what he must do-- and it is strictly b/c he doesn’t “want” to break it off with her. She is his drug of choice and he sees you as the police officer (unfortunately) instead of a beautiful cherished prize to adore. I knew the moment he told you that he would “try” that he had no intentions of carrying it through….and furthermore, he didn’t know you were going to want to see his email he sends her. He should have all open emails for your access to view whatever he says to anybody. Of course, you know that he can simply open another account, so that is no big deal to him to make you think he’s cut it off with her and he may even tell her to expect an email from him stating all of that stuff b/c his W is being a b!tch and breathing down his neck….but he doesn’t want OW to believe any of it, so he warns her ahead of time to soften the blow and then they laugh behind your back and what a fool they made of you.

I believe in having boundaries also, and I do think they have to be about “you” and what it takes for you to be able to remain in the M. If you wait on your H to become the man you want him to be right now, I am concerned that he’s not ready and that he’s messed up enough that he would foolishly chose OW over his own family…..or he would tell you that his family was his choice (but then he would become more secretive than ever with his contacts with OW). So, can you take what he’s been dishing out for 3-5 years? I mean, seriously…..you know that he’s going to turn this EA in to a PA if the OW doesn’t dump him first or if you make a believer out of him and he is serious enough about stopping all contact.

My H tried to force me to do that and I only resulted to sneakier ways. When I made the decision to stop contact with OM and stay in my M, it was very hard but I did it out of my own free choice. I think if my H had “demanded” anything of me, I would have continued, but when he stopped and I felt him give his version of “dropping the rope”, then I felt like I was making a decision for my life based on what I wanted to do and not what another expected me to do. I don’t have all the answers by a long shot! I can only give my from my personal experience which never went into a PA. The others who have actually had that experience and came through it with their M in tack enough to still work toward a future together should be encouraging to get their POV.

I need to get to bed….all my words are starting to get blurry. (lol)

Hope you reach a conclusion as how to handle all of this soon so you and your son will begin to have some sense of peace.