I have thought about you so often over the past couple of years. I don't come here too often, so missed whatever the palava was that ended in you not posting here anymore, but I have wondered what happened for you and SH and kept you in my reflections to the universe!!
Well done on living without him for a year. How has that been for you? Taking yourself out of his drama - and leaving him the space to take himself out of his drama - has to be a good thing?
I'm glad you are well and I'm really pleased for you to be going home. Well done and good luck.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Hopeful, and Forward, I took your suggestion and put the offer out there on IM for H to stop by for coffee sometime. He responded to the offer: 'you never know'. I said, 'that's promising, the offer stands, if you ever choose'. He said 'thanks'. When I think of it now, it's quite non-committal. But, in the moment, I did feel hopeful, for the first time in a long time. Well, it's out there, now I'll back off again. I'm quite surprised that he even responded. Once
Your question takes me by surprise. I love him , I want him to come home, why would I server him with divorce papers? Everytime I thought I'd do something to push an issue, like for example, pushing him to make a choice between OW and me, staying or leaving, he choose the option I did not want to happen. Had I not pushed it that one day, he might have been home longer, and seen the changes in me, or at least to have some kind of relationship. Instead, I lost all opportunity, and I never see him. I don't play chicken any more. And, unless I mean it, I don't intend to file for divorce. I'd hoped MLC was real, and he'd work his way through it.
Especially since you've had absolutely no contact. Have you ever called him to go out?
Usually the MLC would last up to 5 years, so I don't know if 7 years is past the statuette of limitations. Have you resigned yourself to the fact that he may be totally happy with the OW and that he's just cake eating?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, give it a little time for H to chew it over. Maybe open up contact a little more in a few more weeks.
I think I would just say that after seven years, maybe you don't love him any more. You've changed a lot--he likely has too. He is not the same person. Maybe he is better. Maybe he is not.
Have the contact so you can get a sense of whether you still do love him. If you think you could be friends, then it's worth it to see what can be kindled. If not, then you could consider moving a divorce forward, and not have doubts about it, you know?
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Stopped by for one of my very rare pop-bys, and here you are. Usually there's no one I know on the first page.
FWIW, ITA w/ shewholurks' two posts above. #1, forget stats. Every sitch is different, you can never find enough "apples to apples" to get anything meaningful out of them. #2 live your own life and let whatever happens happen.
Now for a brief lecture. You are not a failure. You did not make him leave. It was his decision. If he hadn't left that day, it would've been another and for some other reason, trust me. The fact that you've convinced yourself of this fiction that your actions resulted in his taking off is just keeping you afraid of your own shadow. You gotta shed that and LIVE. I'm not talking about getting a new man, just LIVING for Once. As others have said, what he does next will be his decision too. It may have nothing to do w/ what you do.
Who am I to crush hope. So I won't. Me, I think I forgot what hope is. H moved a jillion miles away, got the D and M his gf from high school. I don't see or hear from him but I hear enough to know his life is very happy. How can I wish that to end? How can I be sorry that this person I care so much about is happy? Maybe being M to H forever was not my destiny. Maybe I was just a chapter in his book. And now I'm back to writing my own.
What's your destiny? Putting aside OM (I never wanted that either), if H were dead, what would you do? Think about that. Live that.
What do you want? If you want to keep standing then stand. But make sure you are moving forward. It is possible to move forward even without a d. The invitation to coffee is good and it is out there for now. Now as you say just back off.
BTW, I do not agree that most mlcs last up to five years. There is no time frame. There have been many who are in mlc longer. There is no statute of limitations on mlc. It is up to the mlcer and how long they can avoid facing there issues. I am sure many never do.
Once only you can decide what your next move will be. You are right if you do not want a d then do not file for one. If your h was happy then why did he he not file for d?
Just as Karen said what would you do if he were dead? It does not mean an om. Just live your life for you.
I've read the summary of your interactions with him.
He knows he can come back anytime.
He walks away when you do lay down ultimatums.
He wants the OW more than you.
He holds all the power in the relationship.
He's moved on, you haven't.
He is not interested in you anymore. Sure, he'll be cordial, but it seems unlikely he'll come back, with or without an ultimatum.
Is there hope? Sure. There's also hope in winning the Lottery. You do have a 1 in 7 million chance in winning.
But there is hope.
Do you build your life on the hope of winning the Lottery? Do you play the Lottery and not go to College? Do you play the Lottery and refuse to work or start a business?
I would think a life spent waiting for a walk-away spouse seems more hopeless than divorcing and moving on. In business, and I guess, in love, it's called cutting your losses or risk management. At some point the chance of him returning is so bleak and the emotional drain on you is so heavy that continuing to wait is a greater loss than actually moving on.
Do you want to be here 2, 3, 5 years from now?
Do you want to sit here on the DB boards, in 2012 and wonder, in deep, deep regret one day "Why did I spend 10 years waiting for him?"
I do not know your spiritual/faith commitments, so I will not go into it too much.
Tell us a little about what's making you wait so long.
