Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

Ashley, I disagree strongly here with your decision. This is EXACTLY where you should have pushed, and said something like "Their IS no 'try' -- only 'do.' If you're not willing to agree to end all contact with her, then you leave me with no alternative than to begin making my own decisions to protect myself and our son."

Everything you said to him after that point, he already knows, and you're trying to "teach" him. You can't teach an adulterer. All you can do is let them know what YOUR boundaries are, and what the consequences are for violating them.

Puppy- When I said I didn't push him I meant that I did not push him to make a decision/give me an answer at that time. After he said he was going to "try" to stop contact, I told him that means nothing has changed. I told him I need to look out for the best interests of my S and I and proceed as planned. Then I went on to say what I wrote earlier. Sorry - I should have clarified that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

okie dokie.

[Faith2010]

HOWEVER, he keeps texting with OW when she texts him...meaning, he only responds and there are no more phone calls between them. But this still bugs me to no end. And I mean BUGS me. What the he!! is the point?

So my question: Do I set a boundary and tell him no more contact at all anymore? Here's the thing I really do believe and know....OW is leaving. She and fiance bought a house. She just got a new job. One month, tops, she's gone, probably less time than that and she's gone. So do I set a boundary (and what's the outcome of breaking that boundary if he does?) when I know that relationship is about to come to a complete end? Or do I just wait it out? Plus really, I can't stop the contact as they work 20 feet apart.

With you and your H....I think you set a good boundary. I think you made it very clear. I think he wants to stay but you aren't going to let him have his cake and eat it too. Also good.

I think it would help you if mentally and emotionally you prepare for him to slowly cut this off, maybe two weeks to end it. That's not that long in the scheme of things and he can do this in a time frame and feel a little less pressure and therefore more prone to do it, to end it. Also be prepared for this: I know for fact my H is not contacting her outside of work, but she's contacting him. Yes it infuriates me that he responds, but again, do I bark up that tree or just let it fall on its own, which I know is coming?

And you don't know who he was on the phone with officially do you? How do you know it was her?

Almost - My perspective regarding contact with OW is H should have NO CONTACT. If H seriously wants to give our M a try, OW needs to be out of the picture. Giving him 2 weeks to cut off contact, to me, is just allowing him to continue his adulterous behavior thus condoning it. Affairs have no place in a M. Period. The end. Perhaps I am a bit hard-headed on this point but lets say I give him two weeks. He may think "well, gee, she gave me two weeks, I bet I can get another week out of her." All the while H is not facing the fact that the contact needs to end and stringing me along while he's at it.

I don't blame you one bit for being ticked off when your H responds to OW's text messages. There is no excuse for it. He crossed the line once and he knows it. It's like a child trying to test their parents' boundaries - see how far they can push.

Personally, there is no more pushing for me. He's in or he's out. There is no place in my M for infidelity. My beliefs and my faith don't condone it. It is disrespectful and I've decided I will no longer tolerate it. Thus the reason I am heading toward setting more boundaries/an ultimatum. Call it whatever one wants but I am going to do what I think/feel is in the best interest of me and my S. Especially since it is quite clear my H does not have our best interests in mind.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm with Ashlee on this. Giving them a deadline is like announcing a troop withdrawal date to terrorists: they'll just wait you out until one day later.

Give your spouse 30 days, and they'll cake -eat and boink like bunnies with their affair partner for 29 days, and then suddenly start promising you the MOON AND THE STARS on the 30th day NOT to go ahead with your consequences!!

Puppy

[Stronger]

I should have clarified....don't tell him he has two weeks, just expect for him to cut it off in that time frame or sooner. I've learned with my H that the contact would end, and not because of me, because of one of them and then it would be radio silence for a week or two or three and then start back up. And it went on like that since late January.

But my point is this I guess....give him the ultimatum if you are comfortable with the possible outcome that he says no. I don't think he will. But give him a couple of weeks, and only you know you are doing this, and let him end it. These OPs are very much like a drug and it's hard to quit them. After tht time frame or even a week, if you still suspect he's in contact with her, do what you have to do.

With my H and I he's decided in his head, not mine, that he didn't cheat on me because we were/are separated. I have no doubt in my mind I could have served him papers in January and he would have signed them because he was so sure then he wanted out and wanted a new life without me. Now I know from a little birdie, he's glad it didn't come to that.

Setting boundaries, giving ultimatums, there's timing involved in all of this. And you have to be ready for the worst case scenario.

What will be the outcome if he doesn't agree or goes beyond the boundary?

[Faith2010]

Setting boundaries, giving ultimatums, there's timing involved in all of this. And you have to be ready for the worst case scenario.

What will be the outcome if he doesn't agree or goes beyond the boundary?

What I need to decide is the boundary/ultimatum to put in place and what occurs if it is not met. The outcome/ultimatum that I foresee is him moving out. On some level, I feel allowing him to remain in our home while continuing to have an affair is almost accepting the affair on my part. I understand I can put boundaries in place, which I have, and for the most part they have been met. I feel this is the next step.

There is one other step which could be taken (in my mind), which is H moving out of the master bedroom. However, I feel that may just be postponing the inevitable. I have toyed with the notion of H moving to the spare room and then if he meets OW in Sept, he's out. On the other hand, why allow the affair to progress to that stage? Of course, H could move out and think "since we are separated, I can go ahead and be with OW and it's not cheating because we aren't together." This is where the confusion for me begins.

I am not in a rush to do anything but I'd like to figure out my next move since I have decided something needs change. I don't want to make the 'wrong' move.

I would like to know what you all think.

[SDFoundGirl]

There is one other step which could be taken (in my mind), which is H moving out of the master bedroom. However, I feel that may just be postponing the inevitable. I have toyed with the notion of H moving to the spare room and then if he meets OW in Sept, he's out. On the other hand, why allow the affair to progress to that stage? Of course, H could move out and think "since we are separated, I can go ahead and be with OW and it's not cheating because we aren't together." This is where the confusion for me begins.

For what it's worth, while my H was in the midst of his EA, he lived in another bedroom in our home. I actually think it was good; it kept him from proceeding further, and it allowed me to show off everything I'd learned from DB. We didn't talk very much, and I made a point of going into my bedroom when he came up to watch TV to give him his "space." (My choice.)

It's not easy. I Acted As If like a pro...kind of like we were cordial roommates. I was busy and out of the house--a lot. When I was home, I was engaged in something else--reading, writing, computer, art, etc. I had conversations with girlfriends and LAUGHED my head off at what they had to say, and I was always, always a happy little camper.

That's not to say I always felt that way; but I never, never let him see how upset I was. I waited until he left for work to cry, and then I put a time limit on it.

I also invested in nice jammies (and I looked SMOKING HOT in them) and did a few things to my bedroom to make it my oasis. I'd come out to the kitchen to get a glass of wine or something, in my super nice slip-jammies, and grin on the inside because H's eyes were almost out of his sockets. Part of that was to give him a show of what he was thinking of giving up, and part of it was my thought that I deserved nice jammies, dang it!

I like the idea of a two-step approach. Just know that it's not all that easy.

Also--we were in MC and each in IC at the time. MC was mostly an enumeration of how horrible I was for a looong time, but we had a great MC, and she helped us navigate those conversations so he could see how he'd created a monster in his head and didn't really know the truth about anything.

I'd suggest getting into a good MC no matter what you do. Make it a condition.

SD

[Stronger]

Ashlee
I like your plan. And just make it clear while we are separated we are still married. If you want the separation to end in reconciliation then stop this with her. If you want it to end in divorce, go on that trip. Pretty simple. Make it clear you both are still married to each other.

[sandi2]

Hi Ashlee, I've not forgotten about you but I knew you were in good hands here. Although I love SDFG's spunk and would be exactly like her....I think if you push your H to move out of the bedroom then he will simply use that for his excuse to make you out to be the bad guy who wasn't giving him sex (like he whined for) so he had no choice but turn the A into a PA. (Exuse me while I throw up.)That is what he will tell those who want to hear his side of the story. He would end up looking like the victim. Ugh!

Of course, H could move out and think "since we are separated, I can go ahead and be with OW and it's not cheating because we aren't together." This is where the confusion for me begins.

As I said, I would be like SDFG and I’d be sleeping in my bedroom without H there and I would do everything just like she said she did! But, I have a strong feeling that it will not work so well with your H in your stitch. He is already at the door of turning this into a PA, so it’s almost like giving him an invitation to do it. He is no where ready to make a “choice” between you and OW and he made that pretty obvious with his wishy-washy indecisions and saying that he would “try”. Are you kidding me? TRY???

Speaking as an almost WAW who had an EA, I don’t think he will be able to “wean” away from the A with OW. It is a powerful addiction and every time he has one contact he is feeding that addiction and there is no way he will stop by tapering off. There is only one way and that is going “cold turkey”. Yes, it feels like hell, but when the WAS makes that choice from a “free will” then he needs to keep the prize before him. (BTW, I sure liked the way Almost put all of that into words. Wanting to know she wasn’t the left-over her H came home to b/c things didn’t work out between him and OW but rather b/c she was the prize!)

Ashlee I just can’t see myself hanging on to a man who would be unfaithful to me in our M for 3-5 years (or longer) and somehow I don’t see you doing that either. You are very smart and I really like how you are standing up for yourself and wanting to protect your son-- even at the risk of walking away from this MR. Your H doesn't even see what he did wrong in the way he behaved poorly with your son. May have to remind him that he is "suppose" to be the adult in these situations.

I know from my own experience in an EA that if your H does not sever all ties and any thoughts at the possibility for future contacts with OW that he has not made the necessary moves to do what he must do-- and it is strictly b/c he doesn’t “want” to break it off with her. She is his drug of choice and he sees you as the police officer (unfortunately) instead of a beautiful cherished prize to adore. I knew the moment he told you that he would “try” that he had no intentions of carrying it through….and furthermore, he didn’t know you were going to want to see his email he sends her. He should have all open emails for your access to view whatever he says to anybody. Of course, you know that he can simply open another account, so that is no big deal to him to make you think he’s cut it off with her and he may even tell her to expect an email from him stating all of that stuff b/c his W is being a b!tch and breathing down his neck….but he doesn’t want OW to believe any of it, so he warns her ahead of time to soften the blow and then they laugh behind your back and what a fool they made of you.

I believe in having boundaries also, and I do think they have to be about “you” and what it takes for you to be able to remain in the M. If you wait on your H to become the man you want him to be right now, I am concerned that he’s not ready and that he’s messed up enough that he would foolishly chose OW over his own family…..or he would tell you that his family was his choice (but then he would become more secretive than ever with his contacts with OW). So, can you take what he’s been dishing out for 3-5 years? I mean, seriously…..you know that he’s going to turn this EA in to a PA if the OW doesn’t dump him first or if you make a believer out of him and he is serious enough about stopping all contact.

My H tried to force me to do that and I only resulted to sneakier ways. When I made the decision to stop contact with OM and stay in my M, it was very hard but I did it out of my own free choice. I think if my H had “demanded” anything of me, I would have continued, but when he stopped and I felt him give his version of “dropping the rope”, then I felt like I was making a decision for my life based on what I wanted to do and not what another expected me to do. I don’t have all the answers by a long shot! I can only give my from my personal experience which never went into a PA. The others who have actually had that experience and came through it with their M in tack enough to still work toward a future together should be encouraging to get their POV.

I need to get to bed….all my words are starting to get blurry. (lol)

Hope you reach a conclusion as how to handle all of this soon so you and your son will begin to have some sense of peace.

[Faith2010]

Not a good night last night. H and I got into it again. I was very upset so I took S and left for a few hours. Ended up in Church praying. Arrived home and H says he is going to stop talking to OW (says he thought about what I said etc...). I informed him of the boundaries (i.e. I would need access to all phone records etc...) H not pleased, did not understand. I pointed out what our M was like BEFORE OW and how it was not a problem then. H did not have much more to say.

After that found a picture H posted on his FB page with an Eagles cheerleader (no, i was not snooping, it was for all to see). He wrote a comment to the effect of "Me and wife at Lincoln field. Told wife not to dress so provocatively. Jeez" I am thinking I am over-reacting because it upset me. Here I was at Church praying for our M, our family and for H while he's posting that.

I'm exhausted. I look and feel like I've been run over by a truck. Ugh.