You do not want a divorce. You've told your wife this many times presumably from reading through this thread.
And yet I cannot help but notice that, to me at least, you do very little in the way of attempting to draw her back towards you. You end many conversations with saying that you "have work to do." You refuse to participate in any discussion that has to do with your relationship, thereby missing opportunities to reinforce to her that you love her, that you strongly desire to rebuild/repair your marriage, that you ARE capable of healing from her affair and that it is NOT something that has to hang over both your heads forever...
Lots of things you could be saying.
None of which I would consider "rescuing" or "belittling" to yourself.
Your wife may just be pitching hissy fits over and over again...
or maybe she is expressing her lack of self-esteem, her inability to believe that she can be loved by someone, and maybe even the guilt she is beginning to feel for having violated her marriage vows.
I would never advise you to NOT protect yourself. All of your advisors here are very correct to tell you that you MUST prepare for the bad that could come.
But there is also the possibility that this is a marrriage that can still be saved, and your wife is NOT the only one who will have to move in order to save it.
She feels threatened by her failing sbeing used against her. She has expressed feeling let down by your refusal to show compassion to her when she was openly hurting.
Let's not allow our indignation at her wrong choices to turn you in to a cold, insensitive, unfeeling man. She still needs to know that you WOULD have her back, and that you would do so without insisting that she hold a position of subservience to you forever because of her mistakes.
In short, I'm telling you that if you really want to try to save this marriage, it's time for you to show some of your unconditional love that you've learned to temper with reasonable expectations and firm boundaries...
You say over and over again how certain you are that the affair is over. If that's the case, isn't it perhaps time that you begin leading the way to healing? And you can certainly do that without compromising your principles or sacrificing your dignity.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
