Jeff,my mom told me just yesterday that "I have done nothing with my life". I guess that bothered me.
H has been MIA since Sun. No calls, nothing. He didnt even call the kids. TOday he came over and the kids happned to mention that. I called him and said that if I knew I would have asked him to leave our little boat here because it is in his car.
I ended the call very quickly. He is mad at me for "pushing", I can tell. I dont like being the mean one. K
Sorry your mom's words hurt you, K...my mom told me that she wants me to 'get a life, find someone and be happy', so I guess if we are not dating and not filing we have no life??
I don't have much to offer, my boat isn't the same as yours but it isn't all that different, either.
my mom told me just yesterday that "I have done nothing with my life". I guess that bothered me.
You and me both, Maria. Mostly it isn't said to me, but I can hear it between the lines. This GAL stuff can be a real challenge to carry on with. How many of us here struggle for _years_ with moving forward, given the limbo that our spouses put us into? I would be very surprised if any of the WAS's, MLC or not, understand the kind of a bind they put us in...at least, I don't think they understand it for a very long time, unless they find themselves genuinely in the LBS position. In fact, I'm not sure anyone really understands how hard it is if they haven't been here. Throw in financial issues, depression, things like that, and it's a wonder so many of us make it here instead of going _directly_ to jail or divorce court!
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I ended the call very quickly. He is mad at me for "pushing", I can tell. I dont like being the mean one.
Remember, from the MLCer manual (Midlife for Dummies):
Quote:
NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!
Isn't it amazing, the way they all seem to think the same way? And yet, they feel so terribly alone, and _nobody_ understands them (except for OP, of course).
For so long after the bomb, I didn't stand in my H's way about ANYTHING he wanted, because I was afraid it would destroy any chance we had of reconciliation. He lived at home for over a year post-bomb, and I think that had a lot to do with it. When I finally did put my foot down about something (he wanted me to stay away from one night of a community theatre production in which he was starring [I have normally attended every performance of his 30+ shows] so that OW could attend without either of them having to worry about a confrontation with me [even though I can't imagine _any_ circumstances in which I would confront her in public])...he moved out within three weeks. Would he still be here if I had capitulated to him on that, like I did with everything else? I don't know. But I wouldn't be surprised.
I am still fine with how I acted about all of that, the whole time post-bomb, and believe that not giving him anything current to criticize about me is to my advantage...but it is inevitable that sooner or later there will come times when we disagree. Even the most loving and devoted of spouses disagree about the best action sometimes...the difference is that they are more interested in building a stronger R than in getting their way, or getting revenge, or anything else negative. It really bites, but we all (I include myself) have to find a balance between over-permissive and destructively combative in our dealings with our spouses...estranged or not.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I am just back from yoga with my boss. He's so funny!
I feel a bit sad that your Mum thinks you haven't acheived anything in your life. I guess there might be a cultural angle aswell, but look at your gorgeous children, the many friends yu have all around you, your business and your work- that's a lot of good stuff. No-one could ever say you didn't put everything you had into saving your M, and that says something about who you are. So don't let it bother you. I hope it's not any more.
L. xx
PS. I should admit that I hate saying I'm getting D'd because I myself think I may have failed in some way, either to run a successful M (the peas were a big problem!), or in DBing. And then I remember that there isn't a pea-cooking threshold, and that DBing doesn't always save the M. What can you do when you've tried everything except move on and life your life as well as you can?
I would not get too worked up with what your mom's are saying. It is just their way of expressing their concern on your present states. Since they do not read your posts, they are probably wondering why you seem to be standing still....again they probably also notice that their daughters are a little sad and just want to shake you up a little. It is tough to put yourself in someone else's shoes if you have not been there before. I could just imagine what I would have told a buddy of mine if he recounted my story....it would be ugly......but today,since I have been through this mess, I would be quite a bit kinder / more carefull ...or at least I like to think so.
Thanks Girls, I am used to that. My mom is stressed because of my dad... I understand her.I dont agree, she makes me think but she cant get me off balance anymore.
they probably also notice that their daughters are a little sad and just want to shake you up a little. It is tough to put yourself in someone else's shoes if you have not been there before.
That's a GREAT point!
((((Kalni))))
Make yourself happy.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
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