WAW Using God

[sandi2]

Sandi, can I ask what finally DID make you stop your EA?

It was a combination of several things over a long period of time. To drop to the bottom line, I’d say it was the fact I knew it was the “right” thing to do. I may have tried to run away in a fantasy world and think I could turn into a different person and live a different life for a while, but I am a person who believes in strong moral & Christian values……and believe me…what I was doing was eating me up alive. In my gut, I knew I could not destroy my family……or my own life. I simply could not throw a lifetime away that my H and I had made together……for some OM or his lifestyle (which was totally opposite from ours). In all reality, OM & I would never have made it out of the shoot. If I had not been given the resouces here on this board, and was “watching” the OM to see if he resembled any of the signs that I was told about……I would have been suckered a lot longer, then I’d hate to think of how far I may have gone before getting my eyes open. The OM was very good at what he did and I was fooled for a long time, but finally one little something showed up and I began to think that the people here knew what they were talking about. That all happened in perfect timing with me getting the courage to drop contact.

[pigskin]

Sandi, can I ask what finally DID make you stop your EA?

It was a combination of several things over a long period of time. To drop to the bottom line, I’d say it was the fact I knew it was the “right” thing to do. I may have tried to run away in a fantasy world and think I could turn into a different person and live a different life for a while, but I am a person who believes in strong moral & Christian values……and believe me…what I was doing was eating me up alive. In my gut, I knew I could not destroy my family……or my own life. I simply could not throw a lifetime away that my H and I had made together……for some OM or his lifestyle (which was totally opposite from ours). In all reality, OM & I would never have made it out of the shoot. If I had not been given the resouces here on this board, and was “watching” the OM to see if he resembled any of the signs that I was told about……I would have been suckered a lot longer, then I’d hate to think of how far I may have gone before getting my eyes open. The OM was very good at what he did and I was fooled for a long time, but finally one little something showed up and I began to think that the people here knew what they were talking about. That all happened in perfect timing with me getting the courage to drop contact.

So it was your own decision, and not something your husband did in particular (other than being committed to the marriage and willing to change to be the spouse you and he wanted?).

Just looking for any tips other than working on myself, which I think I'm doing very well with.

My wife is not in my face with her EA and respects the boundaries I've drawn (at least as far as I can verify without snooping or asking her "did you have inappropriate communication or spend inappropriate time with the EA"). Complicating matters are some health issues she's having that are annoying her and also affect her mood at times.

[sandi2]

The only thing I could actually tell that my H was doing to help, was to detach. He also set boundaries.....in a sense of speaking, and I knew better than contact OM in his presence!

Basically, it was my own decision. It will have to be your W's as well, but that is not to say you won't influence her by your self-improvements, being mysterious, GAL, etc. My H did not have the DBing tools to help him. There is a difference......a BIG difference between influencing and "fixing".

[sandi2]

I saw you make a statement on another poster's thread that I feel is a very bad decision on your part. You said you were going to stop detaching from her. It's your life and your M and if that's what you decide....fine, but don't go messing up Newcomers who come here trying to find answers and you start putting the detaching method down. Just b/c you don't have the courage to stick to it, don't make others feel that they are making a mistake. I mean the very day you make this huge decision....you go and tell that to a Newcomer! BTW, how's it working for ya?

[pigskin]

I saw you make a statement on another poster's thread that I feel is a very bad decision on your part. You said you were going to stop detaching from her. It's your life and your M and if that's what you decide....fine, but don't go messing up Newcomers who come here trying to find answers and you start putting the detaching method down. Just b/c you don't have the courage to stick to it, don't make others feel that they are making a mistake. I mean the very day you make this huge decision....you go and tell that to a Newcomer! BTW, how's it working for ya?

Sandi, I'm not sure which post you are referring to, as I don't remember putting down the detaching method. I remember saying that it was having a negative effect on my wife and things were getting more tense around the house, but I think I was taking it a bit too far. I wasn't in "loving" detachment; it was more like "ignoring". So I backed off a bit and it has made a difference in how we are relating to one another. I would say I'm still pretty detached as in not chasing, but I'm not ignoring her entirely.

My wife has become more pleasant to me, sending unsolicited text messages and joking a bit. She even gave me a goodbye peck on the lips before work, where before I'd get nothing but a hug or offering of her cheek. I haven't requested status on her EA but it hasn't been in my face at all either. We're still attending Retrouvaille post sessions. So things haven't gotten worse, at least.

[pigskin]

Is it a good sign when the spouse having the affair requests time to talk about the marriage relationship?

As part of my detaching I've said and asked nothing about my wife's EA, and haven't mentioned anything about "us". However my wife has now asked if I would have time to discuss "where I'm at" with regards to everything.

I'm fine with talking about it, but I'm curious to know if this is a positive thing. Anyone have any similar experience?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh, they almost always DO want to talk about the marital relationship, usually to try to justify the affair and make everything YOUR FAULT.

My standard advice is, don't talk anything legal other than thru your attorney, and don't talk about the marital relationship so long as they continue to have a third person in it. "End your affair, and we'll talk about any and all issues" was one that I never wavered on.

Puppy

[MrBond]

I agree with puppy. Your W will try to justify her actions and might even say how YOU drove her to do it. Crazy talk.

I would say go ahead and listen to what she says. Don't say anything, just agree with her "feelings" even if you don't agree with them. Afterwards, journal what she said and separate the BS from the real stuff that needs working on.

Be prepared to hear the weirdest stuff that you have ever heard coming out of her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I was given a good piece of advice for such talks once:

"GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing."

Listen and validate, or -- as Smiley says -- "Smile and wave."

Puppy

[MrBond]

Just wanted to add something.

When she starts saying something you disagree with, it's going to be the hardest thing in the world for you to keep your mouth shut. It's like that for all of us. Just remember that no matter what you say, it's not going to change her mind because she believes in what she is telling you.

So if you were to argue against it, it'll be like you not accepting her feelings. So fight the urge as best you can.