I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[25yearsmlc]

VH: thanks!
i am having a really hard time detaching. i can't stop thinking about him, i can't stop snooping, every bad incident thats ever happened plays out over and over and over in my head. and then there are the good times that play out over and over again that makes me sad because i dont have it anymore.

i know i am letting him control my emotions and its extremely unhealthy. i dont know what to do about it. he definitely left because i was too needy,

You Know the problems you own, you DO and CAN control them, and you know what must be done...it's ALL here.

i dumped all of my emotional baggage on him and i was just too dependent on him to make me happy. he just couldnt take it anymore. in the last email, he did say that his dream was for me to become content within myself, WITHOUT HIM. so i know what the problem was and is and i know what i need to fix, its just so hard to move on.

i was having this talk with my IC yesterday about how i should think back to the times when i felt good about myself and to write everything down about myself that i loved. she asked me what i liked about myself and i was only able to give her like 2 things. she told me when i go to bed, instead of thinking about him, think about everything i loved about myself instead and that would help in reducing the vivid dreams i have about him and increase positive dreams about ME. but its so hard, i lie in bed and daydream about all the changes i can make and what id like to be like in months or a year to come and imagine myself bumping into him somewhere and hes so amazed at how much ive changed and falls in love with me again. i know its all fantasy, but i cant stop thinking about stuff like that every night, every day.

i do try and think about the good things about me but because i feel so abandoned and ugly, i cant see anything good about myself. i see some, but not as much as i should. i dont love myself like i should and it breaks my heart that i cant feel that love for myself that i feel for my H. i know once i learn to love myself that my love towards my H will be much healthier but im so scared that im never gonna get that chance and sometimes that makes me not even want to continue to improve myself because i dont even know if im going to get him back. but i know i have to do this for me and its important for me to survive and enjoy life to the fullest.

ive been doing so much today, more than i thought i was capable of doing because i didnt feel too good when i woke up but i forced myself to work on a few projects and i got them done, but it was tough because i was thinking about him the entire time and my stomach was just in knots constantly because the negative events that occurred between my H and I just wouldnt leave my mind. everyone says do something to take your mind off the H but EVERYTIME i do something, it doesnt take him off my mind at all. i dont know what else to do. im trying so hard to detach, to do things that make me happy, to get my mind off him, but nothing works and thats a major problem. i feel like he will never be out of my head and that he will control my thoughts for a very very long time to come and i dont want that. im so sick of it, there are so many other things that i WANT to think about but when i try, it rewinds back to the H. theres always SOMETHING that reminds me of him. there's always a reason for me not to feel good enough. and im sooo utterly sick of it.

i feel like i should be progressively moving on by now, its been nearly 6 weeks. and i still feel like i did the day he left. im sorry im having a good vent. ive done everything i could today to not think about him and managed to get a lot done. but he is still there, he's still haunting me.

Dear Beeper,

This post of yours says a lot. No, 6 weeks isn't very long in all, but yes, some of the obsessing and "24/7" of it, should start to subside. You are in charge of that. I read your thread too. Here a are a few things I noted.

You know you are revolving your life around him, but he is NOT there. You can't revolve your life around anyone other than yourself, LET ALONE someone who has; 1) left you, and 2) told you that you were in effect too needy, 3) relying on him for your happiness which is unhealthy and unfair, to both of you.

I have not heard of someone having ALL their friends & family dislike a spouse so much as you say your H's did. If it's true, (hard for me to think they all "hated" you) and they ALL felt this way, either he picks the worst friends and comes from a terrible family, which ARE complicating factors in a marriage, to say the least, OR maybe there something you may have done to provoke it? Or was your neediness something that made you require 100% of his attention? Did YOU like any of his friends? If not, why not? What types of things would they say about you that would end a friendship with old friends like that?

While love may or may not be "simple", marriage, raising a family and life in general are not simple. And one sign of a healthy love is bringing out what is better in each other, not the worst. Him Having to choose between you AND so many others is unusual, and not a good sign. Where are your friends now living? Can you reconnect with them?

Your h suggested you learn to "be happy on your own" probably b/c he felt you were relying on him for you r happiness and that's not healthy or fair and in the long run will ruin most m's. Sorry. Have you tried some cognitive therapy and thought stopping? It's sort of like putting a "stop sign" in front of you whenever you start to think of him. Just don't go there. STOP IT.

As for the AD's you are getting great advice. One comment from me on that issue is that I've taken them twice in my life, and ultimately ended up on very different ones in diff situations, but both were effective ad's. When my dad got sick and it became clear it was cancer and he'd die and he did die, I took an AD that helped me stop obsessing and worrying so much, and helped with the sleep, pretty darn quickly. I mean, I noticed the "looping" around in my mind and the "what if?"s slowing and stopping, in just a few weeks. Sometime before 6 weeks on them, I was feeling well enough to be tapping on my steering wheel to some music on the radio when I realized, "OMG hey, I'm in a good mood"...6 months later, I was off them but talking with a good t.

Years later I lived in Alaska and the winter was dark w/o sunlight, & REALLY cold, for months. I had no energy, felt a real malaise, but was not "deeply" depressed"like with my dad, but knew I wasn't myself or doing anything much. So I got on the old AD's and they did nothing for me! Ended up taking a totally diff one (the one you are on,) and it did help. So yeah, you need to monitor all of this and keep your doctor informed. Don't be afraid to try something diff if you've given it a real shot. We all react differently to these things and situations.

And you must GAL even if you are living with your family and don't have enough money, etc. There are free things to GAL, e.g., auditions if you are into community theater or doing backstage crew, volunteer work all over the place, (if things are over with your h, why not join the Peace Corps or start the application process--it's a long one--). Also, think about learning to drive, it's a basic life skill in most US cities so yeah, you probably do have to learn. (Ask your brother to teach you if it bothers him that you don't know how to drive yet.) OR Take some classes. Did you finish college? I read somewhere that some depression is also a lack of direction and I think studying something would help get your mind off your h, and onto something else.

Also perhaps you can look into finding a support group in your area (try the phone book or calling some churches for their ideas) as you'll find surprisingly numerous groups for newly single, or those trying to stay married, etc. Work out a lot for the endorphins, the mental AND physical health of it and it helps to feel good b/c you are looking good too. Of course, This site helped me a great deal too.

Did you read the Elizabeth Edwards paraphrasing I posted to k4? She lost a child, now has terminal cancer, and her h had an affair while she was getting chemo...yet still, she goes on. Looking foward to what might be for her in her new life, as of NOW.

IOW, Once a terrible event happens in our lives, we want to re-group, go back in time b/c We want our old lives back, or at least the way we think the old lives were. But our old lives are gone. That does not mean we won't ever be happy again, or laugh or love again. We know we will. Even parents who have lost their only child (a good friend of mine did) knew she'd someday be happy again, but that she'd never be the same again. We will never be the same again. BUT as Mrs Edwards said her "biggest regret was the time she wasted on wanting to get back that which she could not ever get back." Don't make her mistake, learn from it.

So a big part of really living again and moving forward, is knowing that you are dealing with what is, not what was or might have been. Cope with what is, not what you had or thought you had, b/c you have to go forward with whatever you do have now.

Look, I don't know any women who have not had their hearts broken. But I know a lot of happy women. You'll get there when you get yourself there.
Keep posting,
j-