I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Mishka: I completely agree with you as I have worked 6 years studying law and the criminal justice system.

I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my future for a man who does not appear to love me at all.

[Stronger]

Put yourself in someone else's shoes....pretend they are you. What would you advise them to do?

For what it's worth, don't do it.

[25yearsmlc]

VH: thanks!
i am having a really hard time detaching. i can't stop thinking about him, i can't stop snooping, every bad incident thats ever happened plays out over and over and over in my head. and then there are the good times that play out over and over again that makes me sad because i dont have it anymore.

i know i am letting him control my emotions and its extremely unhealthy. i dont know what to do about it. he definitely left because i was too needy,

You Know the problems you own, you DO and CAN control them, and you know what must be done...it's ALL here.

i dumped all of my emotional baggage on him and i was just too dependent on him to make me happy. he just couldnt take it anymore. in the last email, he did say that his dream was for me to become content within myself, WITHOUT HIM. so i know what the problem was and is and i know what i need to fix, its just so hard to move on.

i was having this talk with my IC yesterday about how i should think back to the times when i felt good about myself and to write everything down about myself that i loved. she asked me what i liked about myself and i was only able to give her like 2 things. she told me when i go to bed, instead of thinking about him, think about everything i loved about myself instead and that would help in reducing the vivid dreams i have about him and increase positive dreams about ME. but its so hard, i lie in bed and daydream about all the changes i can make and what id like to be like in months or a year to come and imagine myself bumping into him somewhere and hes so amazed at how much ive changed and falls in love with me again. i know its all fantasy, but i cant stop thinking about stuff like that every night, every day.

i do try and think about the good things about me but because i feel so abandoned and ugly, i cant see anything good about myself. i see some, but not as much as i should. i dont love myself like i should and it breaks my heart that i cant feel that love for myself that i feel for my H. i know once i learn to love myself that my love towards my H will be much healthier but im so scared that im never gonna get that chance and sometimes that makes me not even want to continue to improve myself because i dont even know if im going to get him back. but i know i have to do this for me and its important for me to survive and enjoy life to the fullest.

ive been doing so much today, more than i thought i was capable of doing because i didnt feel too good when i woke up but i forced myself to work on a few projects and i got them done, but it was tough because i was thinking about him the entire time and my stomach was just in knots constantly because the negative events that occurred between my H and I just wouldnt leave my mind. everyone says do something to take your mind off the H but EVERYTIME i do something, it doesnt take him off my mind at all. i dont know what else to do. im trying so hard to detach, to do things that make me happy, to get my mind off him, but nothing works and thats a major problem. i feel like he will never be out of my head and that he will control my thoughts for a very very long time to come and i dont want that. im so sick of it, there are so many other things that i WANT to think about but when i try, it rewinds back to the H. theres always SOMETHING that reminds me of him. there's always a reason for me not to feel good enough. and im sooo utterly sick of it.

i feel like i should be progressively moving on by now, its been nearly 6 weeks. and i still feel like i did the day he left. im sorry im having a good vent. ive done everything i could today to not think about him and managed to get a lot done. but he is still there, he's still haunting me.

Dear Beeper,

This post of yours says a lot. No, 6 weeks isn't very long in all, but yes, some of the obsessing and "24/7" of it, should start to subside. You are in charge of that. I read your thread too. Here a are a few things I noted.

You know you are revolving your life around him, but he is NOT there. You can't revolve your life around anyone other than yourself, LET ALONE someone who has; 1) left you, and 2) told you that you were in effect too needy, 3) relying on him for your happiness which is unhealthy and unfair, to both of you.

I have not heard of someone having ALL their friends & family dislike a spouse so much as you say your H's did. If it's true, (hard for me to think they all "hated" you) and they ALL felt this way, either he picks the worst friends and comes from a terrible family, which ARE complicating factors in a marriage, to say the least, OR maybe there something you may have done to provoke it? Or was your neediness something that made you require 100% of his attention? Did YOU like any of his friends? If not, why not? What types of things would they say about you that would end a friendship with old friends like that?

While love may or may not be "simple", marriage, raising a family and life in general are not simple. And one sign of a healthy love is bringing out what is better in each other, not the worst. Him Having to choose between you AND so many others is unusual, and not a good sign. Where are your friends now living? Can you reconnect with them?

Your h suggested you learn to "be happy on your own" probably b/c he felt you were relying on him for you r happiness and that's not healthy or fair and in the long run will ruin most m's. Sorry. Have you tried some cognitive therapy and thought stopping? It's sort of like putting a "stop sign" in front of you whenever you start to think of him. Just don't go there. STOP IT.

As for the AD's you are getting great advice. One comment from me on that issue is that I've taken them twice in my life, and ultimately ended up on very different ones in diff situations, but both were effective ad's. When my dad got sick and it became clear it was cancer and he'd die and he did die, I took an AD that helped me stop obsessing and worrying so much, and helped with the sleep, pretty darn quickly. I mean, I noticed the "looping" around in my mind and the "what if?"s slowing and stopping, in just a few weeks. Sometime before 6 weeks on them, I was feeling well enough to be tapping on my steering wheel to some music on the radio when I realized, "OMG hey, I'm in a good mood"...6 months later, I was off them but talking with a good t.

Years later I lived in Alaska and the winter was dark w/o sunlight, & REALLY cold, for months. I had no energy, felt a real malaise, but was not "deeply" depressed"like with my dad, but knew I wasn't myself or doing anything much. So I got on the old AD's and they did nothing for me! Ended up taking a totally diff one (the one you are on,) and it did help. So yeah, you need to monitor all of this and keep your doctor informed. Don't be afraid to try something diff if you've given it a real shot. We all react differently to these things and situations.

And you must GAL even if you are living with your family and don't have enough money, etc. There are free things to GAL, e.g., auditions if you are into community theater or doing backstage crew, volunteer work all over the place, (if things are over with your h, why not join the Peace Corps or start the application process--it's a long one--). Also, think about learning to drive, it's a basic life skill in most US cities so yeah, you probably do have to learn. (Ask your brother to teach you if it bothers him that you don't know how to drive yet.) OR Take some classes. Did you finish college? I read somewhere that some depression is also a lack of direction and I think studying something would help get your mind off your h, and onto something else.

Also perhaps you can look into finding a support group in your area (try the phone book or calling some churches for their ideas) as you'll find surprisingly numerous groups for newly single, or those trying to stay married, etc. Work out a lot for the endorphins, the mental AND physical health of it and it helps to feel good b/c you are looking good too. Of course, This site helped me a great deal too.

Did you read the Elizabeth Edwards paraphrasing I posted to k4? She lost a child, now has terminal cancer, and her h had an affair while she was getting chemo...yet still, she goes on. Looking foward to what might be for her in her new life, as of NOW.

IOW, Once a terrible event happens in our lives, we want to re-group, go back in time b/c We want our old lives back, or at least the way we think the old lives were. But our old lives are gone. That does not mean we won't ever be happy again, or laugh or love again. We know we will. Even parents who have lost their only child (a good friend of mine did) knew she'd someday be happy again, but that she'd never be the same again. We will never be the same again. BUT as Mrs Edwards said her "biggest regret was the time she wasted on wanting to get back that which she could not ever get back." Don't make her mistake, learn from it.

So a big part of really living again and moving forward, is knowing that you are dealing with what is, not what was or might have been. Cope with what is, not what you had or thought you had, b/c you have to go forward with whatever you do have now.

Look, I don't know any women who have not had their hearts broken. But I know a lot of happy women. You'll get there when you get yourself there.
Keep posting,
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Could it be that you were depressed BECAUSE of him and/or how your relationship was?

I was very, very happy and content in life before I met him. I was happy and in love with him in the beginning. Everything went downhill when he cheated. And I became severely depressed as a result of his cheating and his lack of communication with me about the whole thing. He hated conflict and never wanted to talk about anything that was in any way negative. And I became even more and more depressed when he would refuse to talk to me about anything. I was always making an effort to try and talk to him, all at different times to see if it would make a difference and he would always come up with an excuse, "we're having a good day, don't ruin it," "I'm sleepy, not now," "we have to go do a photoshoot, do you have to bring this up now?" "I just ate dinner, I need to relax" etc etc etc.

It is never easy to live with a depressed person. But is that all there is?

I became severely depressed over his actions and he didn't want to do anything about it EXCEPT push me to take medication and talk to a C. Which helps, but what about accountability on his part? He played a huge part of this and he wasn't willing to do anything about it, he wasn't willing to go to C with me.

Can you be happy with OR without him?

Right now, I can't be happy without him

You were not happy with him! You were depressed either before he cheated and he used that as his excuse OR b/c he cheated and was selfish afterwards instead of remorseful, and has never had financial stability even at the age of 37, and has not had a long term R with anyone (you say 'except you' as if a 3 yr R is a long one...sorry but it's not)...you are wasting a lot of time trying to get back what might have been BEFORE he cheated on you....not possible...I have to ask, is he your first love? Have you dated other boys or men in the past? How'd those relationships go?

but my ultimate goal is to be happy WITHOUT him or anyone else. I want to learn to be happy with myself and I'm working on that now and I don't want to be brought back down over what he is asking me to do.

some people are not able to have healthy relationships because they haven't taken responsibility for their lives.

He is 37 and has always been financially unstable, has never been in a longterm relationship besides with me, and drinks and smokes in excess and avoids relationship talks. I don't think he has taken responsibility for his life but I think by leaving me, he is trying to. But he hurt me tremendously by going about it in the way that he did.

My wish for you is that you would make the hardest choice possible of letting him twist in the wind a bit. Perhaps the deadline he is up against will make him examine his life, or maybe not.

I don't want to respond to him yet. I really want to wait a week or so. I hope my heart will know what to do because right now, it's completely lost. [/quote]

He has til the 31st to answer so I'd say you have a good 3 weeks. And I'm a L and no way would I sign what I think he's asking you to sign. Why on earth would you? Show some backbone as that would be a 180'...you need your self respect back before you can love yourself. And you can't really love someone else with a healthy way, without that. A lot of your M sounds like neediness and not so much love. Sorry but what I'm hearing from you is loneliness and neediness, not a mature love. I am sorry but that's my take on it. He's a user and so far, you've been an enabler. I don't think you are doing him a big favor by bailing him out, in the long run at least.

But back to YOU...and NOT him....

Imagine your life is a novel. Who is writing yours? How's it going? Who should be writing it? What will the next chapter consist of and how do YOU want the rest of the novel of your life, TO GO?

And by the way, ever think of changing the name of this thread? You can't have the monkey and sheep back. Think of new animals and symbols for the life you are going to take charge of, starting today...
j-

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And by the way, ever think of changing the name of this thread? You can't have the monkey and sheep back. Think of new animals and symbols for the life you are going to take charge of, starting today...
j-[/color]

LOVE this idea!!

[beepee]

25, thanks so much for taking the time out to read up on my sitch and for replying with a great post.

I have not heard of someone having ALL their friends & family dislike a spouse so much as you say your H's did

Things were fine in the beginning, but when H started to spend more time with me, his friends didn't like it. He was the only single one in their entire group of friends and he was available to all of his friends whenever, wherever and they were used to having him around all the time. When he started dating me, that would change. He wouldn't visit them as often and wouldn't take all their calls as often because he would be doing things with me. I was the one who told him that he shouldn't neglect his friends just because we are dating and absolutely in love, and I told him to call his friends and visit them, but he chose not to. He wanted to spend his time with me and HE chose to do that. His friends assumed that I was keeping him from seeing them and that I was being manipulative. Which is SO unfair, I was the one who told him to spend more time with them. I've never said a bad word to them, I was always really nice and meant it and did like them, and because I came around and he wanted to spend time with me, its all my fault. I was not needy at that point, I was very independent. I became needy when he cheated. So they said some really mean things to me, accused me of being an arrogant american, a manipulative B*tch, I'm ruining his life, I'm a nasty piece of work, lots of things that were uncalled for. So H didn't stick up for me, but instead just never contacted them again (but it turns out that he was secretly in contact with them through an email that he thought I didn't know about). I didnt have a problem with his being in contact with him, but I did have a problem with him lying about it to me. His family only hears his side of the story and believes that I ruined his life and doesn't believe that my depression is real. They just think I'm a manipulative b*tch and that I seem to be happy only when I'm on vacation on some tropical island. BS. To be honest, I don't know what else to say about this, I know its crazy that all his friends and family dont like me, but that seems to be how it is.

Where are your friends now living? Can you reconnect with them?

My friends all live in the city, an hour away from me. I go out with them on the weekends when I can and they are helping me so much in terms of getting better and moving on. I love them so much for being there to support me and give advice when I need it.

Your h suggested you learn to "be happy on your own" probably b/c he felt you were relying on him for you r happiness and that's not healthy or fair and in the long run will ruin most m's.

I realize this now and am working on it. I know I relied too heavily on him for everything and I have apologised to him for that. I know that its extremely unhealthy and my C is helping me to get away from that. In in the end, it is really what I want, to be happy with myself and no expect anyone to make me happy, no matter what theyve done to me.

As for the AD's you are getting great advice.

Definitely, I have spoken to my C about the effects. It does seem to be working as I do find myself laughing so much more than before and I even sometimes dance to music which is a huge step for me!

And you must GAL even if you are living with your family and don't have enough money, etc.

I know, I'm definitely working on this. Trying to get out as much as possible. I just bought a bike! And im going to ride it as much I can just to get out of the house. I did finish college, I went back to get my masters but had to drop out because I was too depressed as I found out he cheated that semester. I wasn't able to concentrate in class, i would have panic attacks and I just wanted to stay at home and cry. So I dropped out but I can't go back now as I owe the school a lot of money and can't return until I pay it off which I am working on as well because I really do want to go back and finish my masters.

Did you read the Elizabeth Edwards paraphrasing I posted to k4?

I did and it was very inspiring. I am working on letting go of the past as I don't want what my life USED to be like. I just want to start fresh, start now with the present and just let go of what used to be and not fixate on it. Im working on this with my C as well and she's helping a lot. She has noticed that I am more outgoing than when I first met her and that I am looking forward to the future much more in our sessions than talking about the past which I did when I initially started sessions with her, which is a great sign. I do want to forget the past, I just want to live right now and be happy that I am here now.

I know I will get there. 2 months isnt long at all so I have a long ways to go, but I know what I want, I know I want to be happy. I'll do everything to reach that point. Thank you again for taking the time out to post to me

[beepee]

is he your first love? Have you dated other boys or men in the past? How'd those relationships go?

Yes he is. I have dated other guys in the past but they were never serious.

Sorry but what I'm hearing from you is loneliness and neediness, not a mature love. I am sorry but that's my take on it. He's a user and so far, you've been an enabler.

I understand what youre saying. There was a lot of loneliness and neediness involved, but there was a lot of love as well. Maybe not mature, but there was love.

And by the way, ever think of changing the name of this thread?

Never thought about it but was just going to wait until it locked and change the name of the new one to something that looks forward to the future.

[beepee]

So the consensus from everyone seems to be DONT SIGN IT.

I think this is the best and right thing to do.
I just have to figure out how to say it to him.

I am worried that I'm making a decision that would end any chance of reconciliation, but if we were meant to be, this shouldn't stop us from tryng to work it out.

I wont reply for awhile, i still need time to think everything over. Im going to talk to my C about this tomorrow. Hopefully she can give some more advice.

Thanks to everyone who responded. It has helped me a lot and you've brought up many great points that I have never thought about. Thanks so much again

[beepee]

So that KARMA ad I saw was SO RIGHT! Something good did happen to me today

I just got an email from the place I want to move into saying that I have been accepted!!! I AM FINALLY MOVING OUT!!! YIPPY!

I am feeling so much better now and moving out is a huge step towards getting my life back on track. I am so excited! No more apartment hunting for me, just job hunting. Makes me feel a lot better after receiving that email from H.

My dream of riding my bike along the Charles is coming true

[beepee]

journaling..

Had a rough morning today. Woke up with horrible knots in my stomach and chest pains and could barely breathe, followed by constant wretching and nearly throwing up everytime. Its worse than its ever been in awhile.

I think its from not knowing what to do with H's request. As of right now, I am very confused about what to do, but I am leaning heavily towards not signing it. I am still worried about never seeing him again if I don't do this for him but he chose that. He knew there would be a possibility that he wouldn't be able to stay here without my help. Its not my problem, its his problem now. He left me behind with problems to deal with, without any of his help, I think he needs to do this on his own and deal with the consequences of his actions.

I know for sure that if I don't sign, he will not be able to stay and its a guarantee that he will get deported. There are no other options for him. He thought there was, thats why he didn't accept my help in the beginning. Now that he knows the only option is to for me to sign papers, he's going for it in his own selfish way.

I mean, what exactly does he want me to do?? Because as I recall correctly, and I have read up about the procedures, I would have to go to an interview with an immigration official WITH him and pretend to be loving married couples AND THEN sign the papers. He's only asking me to sign a form, which doesn't make any sense from what I've researched. He didn't specify meeting with him, or having the papers sent to me, or having a go-between hand it over to me and then back to him. Because he has done everything in his power to prevent me from knowing anything about his life and his whereabouts. Agh, feck it. Why do I care? Its not like he cares about my feelings at all. But I'm not like him. I don't like hurting other people, no matter what they've done to me. But I know I have to set boundaries and I just can't let him walk all over me like I feel he is doing now.

Ok enough about him. Time for me. I AM MOVING!!!! I have to say it again. B IS MOVING!!! WOOHOO! I've waited so long for this day! And now its finally here and it feels so good.

I should start doing some packing as I have loads of stuff and I need to sort through what I can sell and what I want to keep. There is SO much that it's going to take the whole month to finish doing this! Going to add to the email to H that he needs to come pick up his stuff if he wants it. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I have a C appt today and I would like to talk to her about H's request, see what she thinks, and also talk about my neediness, WHICH mind you, is getting a lot better. I feel more independent now, I have looked back on the R and realised my role in the demise of the M, and because I'm aware of it, I know what needs to be worked on and I think I am doing a good job with it. I've been to detach slightly from H which is still good, it's going to take a long time to fully detach but I'm proud of myself that I got as far as I did, I truly didn't think I would make it.

But things are looking up for me and I'm not going to let his email bring me, I just can't go back to that. I love him, but I have to protect myself, I just can't sign those papers for him. My heart AND my head tells me that he is just using me. If both are telling me that, I know what the answer is. I just hope that he will be able to forgive me and not see me as someone who ruined his life but as someone who he once loved and made him happy. Thats the way I choose to see him as well. I'm not going to dwell about the negatives and the things he's done to me, Whats the point? It only creates more heartache, and I don't need anymore of that - certainly not. I choose to remember the good times, not long for it again, but just to keep it as a beautiful memory that will always be in my heart and mind.

I'm going to make this a productive day. I've already written a draft of the email I am going to send him. I feel like, this is the last contact that I'll have with him and I feel like its ok, like I am ready to let go. Because of this, the email has said everything I've always wanted to say to him that he would never want to hear or listen to or talk to me about. Because I truly think it's over between us now, I feel its ok to tell him exactly how I feel. It's not mean and vindictive, its simply straightforward and to the point and something I've always wanted to get off my chest.

I know once the email gets sent to him, the contact between us will most likely be over. I don't know for sure that this will happen but my gut tells me that it is. And to be honest, it saddens me, but I think I am ready for it. I think I'm really ready to just let him go and be, on his own, without me. I'll be ok, I have to be ok. Because I want to survive and love again, not the way we did, but love without the messiness that was once our R. Proper, mature, unconditional love, where we both value each other and the R. With communication, patience, understanding, and a deep friendship. I will work on myself so that whenever the time comes for a new R, I won't make the same mistakes again. I have learned a lot from this board and from all the books I've read and from C. I'll make sure that I never lose that knowledge and go back to my old ways. Thats a promise that I will make to myself and I will keep it.