I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[25yearsmlc]

I need to read your whole thread before answering intelligently. But your initial response was telling; you are being used. That's not really in dispute, is it?

So the issue is why you were once willing to sign, and are not now, and if there is hope that this M is 1) worth saving and 2) likely to be saved.

What are your goals at this point? IF moving forward, or setting and enforcing boundaries matter, THEN DO SO. He's 37 y/o and can't seem to manage money or his legal status, that part we do already know...does he owe you money? If so, that would matter a lot as for boundaries and what you are letting him do. And what if you don't sign? Maybe he will find a way to stick around b/c maybe he'll get his act together but if you bail him out, so he doesn't have to get it together, and calls you only when ONLY when he needs it, is he really going to wake up and say "OMG, I NEED HER and therefore I LOVE HER and therefore WE will reconcile...." OR is he more likely to say (to himself), "good thing I can call her as my last resort, b/c she's needy and I can probably use her..." tough question but you do have to ask them...when else has he contacted you?

Regardless, do NOT answer soon. How long did he take to reply to your email? What is your rush to answer him?
j-

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. Can any of you experienced DBers give me any advice at all? Anything would be greatly appreciated. I know I need more than a few days to think about what I want to do but advice on how to proceed would be so helpful right now and even just support. Thanks so much, I look forward to hearing your responses..

No way in hell I'd do it. He left you before (cheated on you), left you THIS time without warning, and only comes back when he needs something from you???

He's using you, in my opinion. Time for him to learn that there are consequences for his selfish decisions.

In addition (and I haven't seen the form), but to sign it MAY put you in jeopardy for some kind of visa/immigration fraud for misrepresenting your relationship with him.

Puppy

[mishka422]

I agree with Puppy. Signing that legal document could put you in a serious situation with immigration if he turns around and files soon afterward. Whatever you do....don't tangle with the federal govt. You know what wankers they are these days!

[beepee]

Thanks for all your advice guys and gals, you all have brought up great points that I never even thought about, especially the troubles with immigration if he were to turn around and file a D after I sign.

I'm not in a hurry to answer him at all, I need a lot of time to think about this. Its really weird, Ive been getting advice from all of my friends and ALL the girls say sign it for him and ALL of my guy friends say Feck him and DONT SIGN IT.

But one thing is for sure and the consensus is that he is just using me. I wrote a reply as a draft and will post it up late for people to critique, I'm pretty sure it's filled with NO-NOS!!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm not in a hurry to answer him at all, I need a lot of time to think about this. Its really weird, Ive been getting advice from all of my friends and ALL the girls say sign it for him and ALL of my guy friends say Feck him and DONT SIGN IT.

But one thing is for sure and the consensus is that he is just using me. I wrote a reply as a draft and will post it up late for people to critique, I'm pretty sure it's filled with NO-NOS!!!

What POSSIBLE rationale would your girlfriends give to say "Yes, he's using you; go ahead and sign it and help him out"?????

Puppy

[beepee]

25: Thanks so much for your response.

So the issue is why you were once willing to sign, and are not now, and if there is hope that this M is 1) worth saving and 2) likely to be saved.

I was willing to before because I really missed him and wanted him back and never thought he was capable of shutting me out of his life and being as selfish as he is being now. I'm leaning towards not signing because I'm being used and its obvious and I don't think I should do this for someone who doesn't love me and who's hurt me in the way he did and isnt willing to take any of the blame for the failed M.

I think the M is worth saving because I love him and I don't want to hold grudges and I'd like to move on from the past and continue with a new R with him, but he has made it very clear that there is no chance of reconciliation. So, if there is no chance, I don't see why I should do this.

What are your goals at this point?

My goal right now is to not be used and abused and I feel like that is what he is doing to me. If he doesnt want to make the effort and even just try to work on us, I don't think I can sign the papers. I don't see a point. But I am conflicted because I still Love him SOO MUCH and that part of me wants to do it for him to make him happy and to keep him in the states. If he has to go back, I'll never see him again. I am really scared of losing him forever but at this point, it already seems like I lost him.

does he owe you money?

He left me behind with bills that were both of ours and I ended up having to pay them myself when I don't even work. I have absolutely no money and I had to borrow from friends to be able to pay the bills. He promised me money for it but never sent it.

OR is he more likely to say (to himself), "good thing I can call her as my last resort, b/c she's needy and I can probably use her..."

I think this has a lot of truth to it and I do believe thats exactly what he is thinking.

when else has he contacted you?

Only when I contact him. I havent seen or spoken to him for nearly 2 months. The only contact has been through email and he usually doesnt answer my emails and he NEVER contacts me unless I contact him. I was also paying for his cell phone and he would never pick up my calls or respond to my voicemails so I shut off his phone and he gave me a guilt trip. Wow, I never saw this before, but I just realized this..I emailed him and he never emailed me back UNTIL the day I shut off his phone, and now, he didnt respond to my email from a couple weeks back UNTIL NOW, when he needs something. Its just so obvious he is just using me, I know. Its very hard though when I'm still in love with him

How long did he take to reply to your email?

2 weeks

What is your rush to answer him?

No rush at all, I just need some advice. I wont reply for a few days if not a week. I fear that I still won't know what to do in that time..

[The Wifey]

Beepee,

What do you want? Absent THIS particular man, that is. Do you want to be loved and valued or used and abused? Could it be that you were depressed BECAUSE of him and/or how your relationship was?

This is important and there will be a test. The test of life.

No it was not a great life to live with a depressed wife. It is never easy to live with a depressed person. But is that all there is? No. He chose to be unfaithful, which is never a respectful, loving action toward a spouse. No matter how he felt, he CHOSE to have a fling.

Can you be happy with OR without him? You have to be before you can really judge if your M and R are worth saving. Can it be that he has been using you for a long time? Not that he never loved you - I'm sure he did - but some people are not able to have healthy relationships because they haven't taken responsibility for their lives.

I don't see a man. I don't see a boy that has taken responsibility for his life. I see a woman just starting to take responsibility for hers. You need to grow and become strong before you even figure out what you want in life.

My wish for you is that you would make the hardest choice possible of letting him twist in the wind a bit. Perhaps the deadline he is up against will make him examine his life, or maybe not.

You can not let him be an anchor around your neck while you are trying to float your balloon into a hopeful future.

I'm not telling you what to do, Beepee. All I know is if you really love him that you will let him take responsibility here and not play the rescuer.

Your heart WILL know what to do.

[beepee]

Puppy:

I don't know. But I think they are viewing it from the perspective of "doing the right thing." They feel like because he is someone I love and is my H, signing it for him would be the right thing to do as opposed to the best thing to do.

H told me that he knew leaving me in the way he did was not the RIGHT thing to do but was the BEST thing to do (for himself). I guess my friends don't want me to be selfish and stoop to his level of doing the best thing for me.

I really don't know to be honest!

[mishka422]

Beep - this is a legal issue, not something you can just make a personal choice about. When the law is involved, the right thing is NOT TO BREAK IT! PERIOD! Trust me here...there is no gray area.

[beepee]

Wifey: Thanks so much for your advice.

What do you want?

I want to be happy, within. I want to reach a point where no one will ever be able to take that happiness away from me and I want to be happy either with him or without him. I just want to be happy. And yes, I do want to be in a loving relationship where I am valued rather than used and abused. I feel like he is capable of that but maybe it's just not with me, but a part of me wants to hold on to that and see if he can love and value me, I love him so much and I dont want to let him go. But I don't want to be used either and it seems very clear that he is using me.

Could it be that you were depressed BECAUSE of him and/or how your relationship was?

I was very, very happy and content in life before I met him. I was happy and in love with him in the beginning. Everything went downhill when he cheated. And I became severely depressed as a result of his cheating and his lack of communication with me about the whole thing. He hated conflict and never wanted to talk about anything that was in any way negative. And I became even more and more depressed when he would refuse to talk to me about anything. I was always making an effort to try and talk to him, all at different times to see if it would make a difference and he would always come up with an excuse, "we're having a good day, don't ruin it," "I'm sleepy, not now," "we have to go do a photoshoot, do you have to bring this up now?" "I just ate dinner, I need to relax" etc etc etc.

It is never easy to live with a depressed person. But is that all there is?

It is not at all. And I have admitted this to him so many times and I took responsibility for my behaviors. But it doesn't seem to make a difference. I became severely depressed over his actions and he didn't want to do anything about it EXCEPT push me to take medication and talk to a C. Which helps, but what about accountability on his part? He played a huge part of this and he wasn't willing to do anything about it, he wasn't willing to go to C with me.

Can you be happy with OR without him?

Right now, I can't be happy without him but my ultimate goal is to be happy WITHOUT him or anyone else. I want to learn to be happy with myself and I'm working on that now and I don't want to be brought back down over what he is asking me to do.

some people are not able to have healthy relationships because they haven't taken responsibility for their lives.

He is 37 and has always been financially unstable, has never been in a longterm relationship besides with me, and drinks and smokes in excess and avoids relationship talks. I don't think he has taken responsibility for his life but I think by leaving me, he is trying to. But he hurt me tremendously by going about it in the way that he did.

My wish for you is that you would make the hardest choice possible of letting him twist in the wind a bit. Perhaps the deadline he is up against will make him examine his life, or maybe not.

I don't want to respond to him yet. I really want to wait a week or so. I hope my heart will know what to do because right now, it's completely lost.