And as far as him having to hold on to something to make me the bad guy so he can continue doing whatever he feels like (strippers, cheating, porn, etc etc)....
He left his Retrouvaille journal at our house. I read through it all last week. On the session re. forgiveness, we were asked "What keeps me from forgiving myself for past wrongs or from forgiving you?".
He wrote "Fear that you won't change, fear and a desire to be able to use my past hurt of you or you of me against you and our relationship. Hogging my time and pulling me away from my goals and aspirations." My thought there is that he means if he truly forgives he would have to make time for us in his life, which means less time for cows, hobbies, strippers, etc.
Next ? was, "Do I really want to let go of the guilt/hurt that I carry?" and he said, "I really don't know. I'd like to but it would remove more of the excuses I have for how I act and I rely on theose heavily now."
So I think SD hit it on the head. He knows he has screwed up big time. But isn't motivated to change. So he holds a grudge against me b/c that allows him to keep doing the things he wants to do that he knows I would not accept if we were together.
