Even before OW got engaged and she was yanking H around that she would NEVER marry this other guy, he started to take an interest and make an effort into us. I started to really pull away and detach and he came after me. I was pleased with the results and at first, his efforts were sort of half a$$ed and then about two week before the end of June, he was really making an effort. It was quite wonderful frankly to finally see and feel those changes and efforts.
Once OW got engaged, he changed quite a bit. Her getting engaged finally was the lesson everyone was trying to teach him, but he had to learn for himself: She is a liar and probably a socio-path and never really cared about H, just had fun yanking his chain. He was livid and he called her some pretty colorful names to her face. And then he REALLY came home. Not literally, he still has his own place, and frankly, I like it. I like my space for now too. But he really started to work on us and really opened up to me about what his issues were, how we got here. A lot of it, hard for me to hear because I know while I may not remember it that way, he does and therefore that's how it went down. It's hard to hear you weren't a good wife. Very hard. But we and working on it and I'm working on me.
In the meantime, OW texted me. I gave it to her. Felt wonderful and I know, it's not something anyone should do, but she had it coming and I got my closure. I had the rare opportunity to lay into the OW and I took it. And my H was completely understanding about it in the end. As a matter of fact, it could not have ended better if I had planned it. She was sending my H some of my texts that I was sending her. He came to our place, pretty mad. By that time the texting had stopped because I ended it with "And I'm done with you and this childish back and forth. Never contact me again. Ever." But I gave him my phone, he saw the whole conversation and was livid with her....again. He told showed me the ones he received and yes, I would have been mad too. But once he saw it all, it again showed him how much of a liar and manipulator she is.
And again, an even stronger effort from him. And there was no contact between them until two days ago when her rich and well connected fiance's family got her a couple of interviews. (She's in a tough spot, her fault, she has a criminal record and therefore has been passed over for jobs.) Both jobs are in H's field...her fiance wouldn't be much help....so she's been texting H for advice, etc. He's shown me the texts. She asks a question, work related and he answers it as best he can. She's thankful, tries to take it to a personal level, like they once would do and he says Good luck. Hope it works out. So he's being transparent there. And when I asked "Why even respond?" He says "I know you don't believe me, but I just need her out of here and if my responses help her get the he!! out of here, shouldn't I do it?" Hmmmmm. I guess but I still hate it.
So, I know the phone calls have stopped. But truly the texting does still bug me.
So, here's my question: He's been making an effort into us, truly (my birthday was all his planning and it was wonderful) and that makes me happy. Yes, he is still responding to her, which I hate and he knows it. But do I set a boundary when I'm positive this will end? Do I have to be in control of how it ends? My gut tells me if I just back off, it will end even sooner. Plus he works with her and I have no way of shutting that down.
So, any suggestions or ideas or whatever, I'm up to hearing.
At this point, my plan is to back off. Detach some more and let him figure this all out, let him let it go on his own. Not force anything. Him letting me see the texts went a long way. They were really boring, frankly. I have tennis tonight, tomorrow nigh is family night, Thursdays we don't normally see him and I'm going out of town for the weekend with a girlfriend for girl time. I need it.
It occured to me recently....I miss being bored and not stressed.
