I have actually been watching the same thing with my H and wondering the same things about reconnecting. I sort of think in many ways that it is a joint process. My H has begun talking to me again. Not big stuff, but stuff that probably only I, someone who has walked his life with him, who understands the Rs he has with his family, the dynamics, could listen to and know what he is saying and feeling without many words or explanations. This has not happened in probably two years or more. I have nothing to offer him in the way of thoughts because he has to deal with these things, but I am grateful that he is sharing with me a little.
The kids thing is sad to watch no matter what age the kids are. But if you really look at the situation, other situations, you will see that more parents put their own needs over their children. My mother did, which is probably why I refuse to but not all parents are like that. Many people prescribe to the idea that if they are happy then the kids will be. Others just honestly think that their actions do NOT affect their children. My mother insists that NOTHING she did had anything to do with where my sister and I are and how our lives have gone. I won't get into the details, but if she had been more involved with us, I would bet my life that many of the things that happened to the both of us would not have.
Funny that you brought that up because my mother and I actually had a conversation about that last week. Since this stuff with H has been going on, she has taken the opportunity to try to explain her actions to me. To explain that she learned that she has to make herself happy. And that now maybe I could understand why she did what she did. After many times telling her I still could not, I was finally able to tell her in no uncertain terms, "yes I have to make myself happy because no one else can do it for me. But when it comes at the expense of the people that I love, when making me happy makes them miserable or changes their lives, then how can I honestly say that I am happy, because then I am hurting people." So needless to say, I don't judge my mother anymore because she does not think on that same level, but I don't think we will be having that conversation again. She had no response other than that I was right. But everyone has their own sense of what is right and how much it will or won't effect others and that is the bottom line.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
