Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[mishka422]

NICE! Massage is exactly what you need right now.

If your H is sincere in what he said, it's going to take a LOT of time. He didn't start his affair immediately and he's going to take a lot of time to get past it. It's an addiction.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

NICE! Massage is exactly what you need right now.

If your H is sincere in what he said, it's going to take a LOT of time. He didn't start his affair immediately and he's going to take a lot of time to get past it. It's an addiction.

True, but he CAN commit RIGHT NOW to no-contact and transparency. The WITHDRAWAL will take a long time to completely happen, but the DECISION can come in and instant, and it needs to, in my opinion.

I truly believe what they mean when they say "Love is a decision." I think fidelity is, too.

Puppy

[Faith2010]

The massage was great...I wish I could get one everyday!

H is still very secretive. Had to use his phone because S called on it and I was talking to him. H stood over me (literally) until I said bye and grabbed it from me with some comment about me looking at it.

I am really skeptical about his earlier text. I think he's scared. Maybe it's a form of reaching out, I don't know. I feel like he's playing a game and I'm the pawn.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Asked H if he meant what he said in the text. He said yes, he thought about things and made the decision today. Told him all contact to OW would need to stop. Asked if he already broke contact. He said no. Told him I'd like to see the e-mail when he does, if that is how he's going to do it. H was a bit wishy-washy - I'm not really believing he's sincere but I will wait and see.

In the car H started telling me about last night. When he was finished I asked if he was going to apologize to S. He said "For what?" I said the text. He said (incredulously) "Me apologize to him?" I said yes, the ruining the night remark. He corrected me and said "I said great way to end the night, not that he ruined the night." I informed him S did not ruin the night. Needless to say, he was pissy after that.

I'm off to a much needed massage.

Hi Ashley,

I could be wrong, but I don't think he's ready, from the the sounds of it. That's OK -- you stand your ground. He may be ready to "do what it takes" tomorrow, or maybe a week from now or a month from now, but DON'T WAVER in what it is that YOU need.

You keep talking about "ultimatums". I'm not big on ultimatums. To me, an ultimatum is about CONTROL, and what you want to learn to do is establish a BOUNDARY.

The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HIM, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."

If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."

Examples:

"I forbid you to see OW" = CONTROLLING

"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY

"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING

"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting her by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY

"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING

"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY

Make sense?

It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't feel he can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."

Puppy

[Faith2010]

True, but he CAN commit RIGHT NOW to no-contact and transparency. The WITHDRAWAL will take a long time to completely happen, but the DECISION can come in and instant, and it needs to, in my opinion.

I truly believe what they mean when they say "Love is a decision." I think fidelity is, too.

That is what I was thinking. I know he'll need to get over OW BUT all contact needs to stop or there is NO POINT in us trying to mend our broken M.

[Stronger]

I think you have a lot more control over this situation than you realize.

Try to think this way....I need to really concentrate and do this too....He wants you. Ultimately, he wants you and his son and his family intact. For some reason, he's having a nutty. Is there anyway you could sit him down and ask, "What happened that we got here? That you think you need this other relationship? And please be honest, brutally honest so I know and we can work on this together. If you say it's because I didn't hug you enough, we can fix that. If you say it's because I didn't talk to you enough about whatever, then we can fix that. If you say I didn't ML to you every night after doing all the house work and cooking you dinner followed by a full body massage then cleaning your feet with my hair....well, we're going to have a problem because I can't provide that. So please, tell me what went wrong for you." And then you need to also put on the table what went wrong for you....even though you didn't go outside the marriage there's still probably some things BEFORE all of this that you would like to see changed too. Always room for improvement.

But it's time for you to act as if....act as if you know you are the prize, because we are the prize, not the OW. Act as if you know this is just a temporary thing that he had to go through to be able to come back to your marriage even stronger and that you two are going to make it.

If you talk to him again about your boundaries, I like what Puppy suggested and maybe tack on that you know it's going to be hard for him to cut it off, but you know he can do it, you are confident he can. I know it's helped in my relationship that I GAVE H some trust and made a big deal about it....that I knew he wouldn't disappoint me. (Jury is still out on this one, but so far, so good.)

You can do this Ashlee, and remember they aren't going to do crap in our time....or even the way we would. But he'll do it.

[Faith2010]

Thanks Almost. You've given me a lot of think about.

This morning we talked and H is back to the "I don't knows." In reference to contact with OW he said "I am going to try." I didn't push. However, I did tell him that if he meets her in the future and pursues a physical relationship it will change everything. H did not respond to that. I also told him he has no idea what S is feeling and the hurt this has caused S. I also told him I can not deal with the details of what he's doing because it hurts too much. H said "what do you know?" I told him he knows exactly what I know. He left it at that.

When he left, he hugged me and said something like: I don't know what's going to happen, I don't want us to end up hating each other.

Here's the kicker - as he drove away he was on the phone...guess who!

[Stronger]

Here's where I am...kind of like you...but not exactly...but more to think about.

My H's OW just got a new job, she's newly engaged and leaving town. She'll be gone within the month. Since BEFORE she got engaged H has started working on our marriage. Sort of half a$$ed at first, but really started to make an effort 2 weeks before she announced her engagement. Once she got engaged, he really started to mourn the loss of that relationship. That's also when my anger about the last 8 months really really started to surface. But I was told that would happen and so it was not a surprise really for me.

But here is my dilema....I need to know that he picked me. I need to know that he didn't just throw his hands up and say "Oh well, that didn't work out, it was fun while it lasted, I guess I'll go back to my wife." I need to know that he knows I am the prize, ME, not anyone else.

I feel pretty decent that he does know this.

HOWEVER, he keeps texting with OW when she texts him...meaning, he only responds and there are no more phone calls between them. But this still bugs me to no end. And I mean BUGS me. What the he!! is the point?

And he still sees her at work, which there's nothing I can do about. No, he can't quit. He has a very specialized job that he loves and I know he wouldn't quit and I'm not asking him to do that. It wouldn't help anyone. Because then I would feel HORRIBLE guilt that he quit a job he loves that he loves to wake up and go to and then the community would hate me too. Seriously, they would. So I've come to terms with this and completely, I'm fine with it. It is what it is.

So my question: Do I set a boundary and tell him no more contact at all anymore? Here's the thing I really do believe and know....OW is leaving. She and fiance bought a house. She just got a new job. One month, tops, she's gone, probably less time than that and she's gone. So do I set a boundary (and what's the outcome of breaking that boundary if he does?) when I know that relationship is about to come to a complete end? Or do I just wait it out? Plus really, I can't stop the contact as they work 20 feet apart.

With you and your H....I think you set a good boundary. I think you made it very clear. I think he wants to stay but you aren't going to let him have his cake and eat it too. Also good.

I think it would help you if mentally and emotionally you prepare for him to slowly cut this off, maybe two weeks to end it. That's not that long in the scheme of things and he can do this in a time frame and feel a little less pressure and therefore more prone to do it, to end it. Also be prepared for this: I know for fact my H is not contacting her outside of work, but she's contacting him. Yes it infuriates me that he responds, but again, do I bark up that tree or just let it fall on its own, which I know is coming?

And you don't know who he was on the phone with officially do you? How do you know it was her?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks Almost. You've given me a lot of think about.

This morning we talked and H is back to the "I don't knows." In reference to contact with OW he said "I am going to try." I didn't push.

Ashley, I disagree strongly here with your decision. This is EXACTLY where you should have pushed, and said something like "Their IS no 'try' -- only 'do.' If you're not willing to agree to end all contact with her, then you leave me with no alternative than to begin making my own decisions to protect myself and our son."

Everything you said to him after that point, he already knows, and you're trying to "teach" him. You can't teach an adulterer. All you can do is let them know what YOUR boundaries are, and what the consequences are for violating them.

And the hug was just tacit approval of his cake-eating.

Puppy

[beepee]

Hi Puppy (sorry for hijacking!)

I was wondering if you could stop by my thread (I want my monkey and sheep back) as I received a request from H and I don't know how to proceed or how to respond. I would be grateful for any of your help and advice! Thanks

Beepee