Yup, you are right about all of that. This is his journey.
There was a time there when I was trying to figure out how I could be the damsel in distress....because that's what OW plays up. Says she's so confused about this that and the other....and she's really not but knows that guys eat that up. Eventually it occured to me....I can't think of anything because I'm not that person. I've never asked anyone to bail me out, so put that stupid idea to rest.
The whole thing now is just annoying. Last night he had the audacity to text with her because she FINALLY got the call....someone offered her a job back home and it's official. When I figured out it was her, I told him to leave our bedroom. Then when it continued I said "Look. Here's my boundary. This is our time with you (me and son). She does not get any of that. You deal with her crap on your time, not ours. We've earned this time with you by loving and respecting YOU as the man of this house. The least you can do is respect us enough to not do this crap in front of us. You have some freaking nerve." He then sent her the last text saying good night. I was livid. Then he wants to freaking snuggle. I figure that as an indication he agreed with me but won't say it out right.
My therapist said he's just not seeing what a big deal this is to me because it's really not a big deal to him anymore. Therapist believes H really does have contempt for her and really does want to see her leave and is being supportive in her efforts to get a new job.
I say beam me up Scotty.
I feel like and I could be wrong, that H is not going to be able to fully concentrate on us until OW is no longer 20 feet away from him at work Monday thru Friday. It's very distracting. I have a very strong feeling that when she leaves, we'll see a huge upswing in us, we'll hit a fun strong loop in this roller coaster and maybe even be able to get off.
I'm going to continue with a renewed effort to Act As If....
I know. That's what I'm thinking about now. Not sure what to do. He says he's texting with her to make sure she leaves. What a lame excuse. Suggestions?
Unfortunately it is an excuse. Simply because he is not ready to let go. It is simple. He needs more time. Give it to him.
I know you want to work on the M. You, like all of us, are ready for it to be over. I tried to force my H to end the first one and the second, just left the third one alone. It didn't work and made me the bad guy. I look back on the first one now, ten years later, and I have had to wonder why I put up with it for two years. Why I put my mental health and my physical health at risk. But the reality is I did it and I welcomed him home with open arms. But I never got rid of her, until this all started again. I'm sure that my feelings about that and the way I handled it (or didn't really), have impacted where we are now.
So suggestions? Give him what he says he needs and wants. Until he is really ready, anything else won't help. And by trying to force it, you will always wonder if he really chose you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Even before OW got engaged and she was yanking H around that she would NEVER marry this other guy, he started to take an interest and make an effort into us. I started to really pull away and detach and he came after me. I was pleased with the results and at first, his efforts were sort of half a$$ed and then about two week before the end of June, he was really making an effort. It was quite wonderful frankly to finally see and feel those changes and efforts.
Once OW got engaged, he changed quite a bit. Her getting engaged finally was the lesson everyone was trying to teach him, but he had to learn for himself: She is a liar and probably a socio-path and never really cared about H, just had fun yanking his chain. He was livid and he called her some pretty colorful names to her face. And then he REALLY came home. Not literally, he still has his own place, and frankly, I like it. I like my space for now too. But he really started to work on us and really opened up to me about what his issues were, how we got here. A lot of it, hard for me to hear because I know while I may not remember it that way, he does and therefore that's how it went down. It's hard to hear you weren't a good wife. Very hard. But we and working on it and I'm working on me.
In the meantime, OW texted me. I gave it to her. Felt wonderful and I know, it's not something anyone should do, but she had it coming and I got my closure. I had the rare opportunity to lay into the OW and I took it. And my H was completely understanding about it in the end. As a matter of fact, it could not have ended better if I had planned it. She was sending my H some of my texts that I was sending her. He came to our place, pretty mad. By that time the texting had stopped because I ended it with "And I'm done with you and this childish back and forth. Never contact me again. Ever." But I gave him my phone, he saw the whole conversation and was livid with her....again. He told showed me the ones he received and yes, I would have been mad too. But once he saw it all, it again showed him how much of a liar and manipulator she is.
And again, an even stronger effort from him. And there was no contact between them until two days ago when her rich and well connected fiance's family got her a couple of interviews. (She's in a tough spot, her fault, she has a criminal record and therefore has been passed over for jobs.) Both jobs are in H's field...her fiance wouldn't be much help....so she's been texting H for advice, etc. He's shown me the texts. She asks a question, work related and he answers it as best he can. She's thankful, tries to take it to a personal level, like they once would do and he says Good luck. Hope it works out. So he's being transparent there. And when I asked "Why even respond?" He says "I know you don't believe me, but I just need her out of here and if my responses help her get the he!! out of here, shouldn't I do it?" Hmmmmm. I guess but I still hate it.
So, I know the phone calls have stopped. But truly the texting does still bug me.
So, here's my question: He's been making an effort into us, truly (my birthday was all his planning and it was wonderful) and that makes me happy. Yes, he is still responding to her, which I hate and he knows it. But do I set a boundary when I'm positive this will end? Do I have to be in control of how it ends? My gut tells me if I just back off, it will end even sooner. Plus he works with her and I have no way of shutting that down.
So, any suggestions or ideas or whatever, I'm up to hearing.
At this point, my plan is to back off. Detach some more and let him figure this all out, let him let it go on his own. Not force anything. Him letting me see the texts went a long way. They were really boring, frankly. I have tennis tonight, tomorrow nigh is family night, Thursdays we don't normally see him and I'm going out of town for the weekend with a girlfriend for girl time. I need it.
It occured to me recently....I miss being bored and not stressed.
So, here's my question: He's been making an effort into us, truly (my birthday was all his planning and it was wonderful) and that makes me happy. Yes, he is still responding to her, which I hate and he knows it. But do I set a boundary when I'm positive this will end? Do I have to be in control of how it ends? My gut tells me if I just back off, it will end even sooner. Plus he works with her and I have no way of shutting that down.
Almost,
I understand your need to understand this...
Cold facts ?
This girl, who you despise more than anything, is in your head right now.
She is controlling your thoughts, and how you respond. She is in your kitchen , as they say.
This is one of the reasons to NOT contact the OP through this.
Whatever is meant to happen will happen, but YOUR actions can affect that.
The only struggle I see here is within YOU. What you want, what you feel, what you expect, what you assume, what actions of hers affect you.
The texting her when he is with you ?
I would address that, but in a way that is not-a-ultimatum.
If it affects YOU, then.....You set a boundry for YOU, not to make an impact on him.
It is really NOT okay with me for her to be sending you texts while you are with me and S.
That is all that really needs to be said the first time.
The second time ? Then you need to be ready to enforce that boundry with him.
I.E. If she feels compelled to text you , and you feel compelled to answer her, then you need to find another place to do it, preferably at your own apartment...
Then leave it alone.
Your gut is telling you to be still...Listen to it, cause your heart is in there too.
You really do not have any way to shut it down, nor should you want to, cause that would be a LOT manipulative on your part...
No way to re-build a relationship if you ask me....
I did address the texting in front of me. And he clearly understood where I was coming from and agreed with me, then he actually tried to snuggle. I wanted to smack him. And told him as much.
Sweetie, you said, "Do I have to be in control of how it ends? My gut tells me if I just back off, it will end even sooner."
You may think you are backing off, but you aren't.
You really need to stop talking about her, referencing her, asking about her, at all.
Now, if he is texting again, restate the boundary the way Mach suggests. Then say nothing. Happens again, decide what you want to do for you.
Then, back off for real.
You know we all care about you, this is why we are trying to drive this point home.
Listen, this ow stuff is hard. It ain't for the faint of heart. I know you just want her to move already and be done with her. But, she is not the problem, she is a symptom of whatever is going on with your h.
That is why you have to let him do this in his own time. You have to let him figure it out himself. Or you could keep doing what you are doing and get dizzy. Your choice.
I do agree with MWD that nothing can really truly be worked on with us if he's distracted by "that". And "that" is in his face all day with her made up dramas. I think he knows that it's all make believe but yet, he continues with it. It's the Knight in White Shining Armour syndrome....my H suffers from it severly. I hope he's learned his lesson this time but we'll see.
Yes, she may have been a symptom in the beginning, now she's the actual disease. We only fight about her BS and his still on-going relationship with her. Now, admittedly, this relationship isn't even a FRACTION of what it once was....but it's still there and I know that he's still distracted by all of it. And he's also dealing with embarrassment issues as it relates to her.
But yes, his own journey, in his own time. I'm just ready to get off the vehicle on this journey. I want off.
