Just a follow up form the post yesterday. I talked to wife this morning and the first thing she did was apologise for yesterday. She said sometimes she just gets so confused she says things that she knows dont make any sense. I can see how hard it is for her, she is wearing the brunt of the creditors and having people calling up and threatening her. I had told her the money was going to come in before this, and although I have explained the dealys, she still is upset that the money didnt come in when I said.
One of her issues with me is broken promises (and yes I am the worlds greatest procrastinator - which is something that I am trying to work on).
Anyway I haev arranged some short term money to get us out of this bit of a mess. We sell half the company next week and will have the cash about a day after that.
So in the end I handled yesterday pretty well I think, I didnt get all defensive and jump into a fight but put off the conversation until she cooled down. She was also happy that I had looked at things from her point of view and sympathised with her.
Anyway the striking out when under stres is something we all do. In the end I am the only one that she can take her frustrations out on.
Anyway thanks for listening it helps getting the bad thoughts out here instead of on the phone. Geeze the long distance marriages can be painful though. Anyway only 4 weeks till im home for a little bit.
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Thanks for the reply. As I posted before when I talked to her today the first thing she did was apologise. She is under a lot of pressure with a bunch of creditors knocking on her door and I can understand her reaction - Didnt like it but I can understand.
Your right about taling care of the future and I am doing this. We have worked out a way for the money sode to work which will make sure she is comfortable while 'protecting' our assetts.
I have learnt now not to react to these things when she is upset, particularly when it is from stress. Im gald I have this board to have my outbursts on.
Again thanks for you post.
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Hey run on run on. Its not a matter of proof, she doesnt have any because it doesnt exist. The basic problem came from I had promised that things would be fixed up by now and in fact they have taken about a month longer then what I had hoped. I know I shouldnt have promised but I thought I was right. This is a thing that I have to work on as I am basically a people pleaser and will'promis' to do things and then find I have severely over committed myself. I need to correctly set expectations with her, so I am to blame for some of this.
She can not move back into our house for another four months and she has to move from where she is next week. We have three animals and as there is a rental proerty shortage at the moment trying to find a place that will take a 68Kg rotweiler can be hard. So she has the stress of finding a house, moving by herself into a tempory four month place, having creditors ring up and abuse her for non payment of bills that I had said would have been fixed by now, etc.
I became the end point for her frustrations and worry, on top of this she does has a lower tolerance level due to her illness and medication.
In the end we will be fine fainancially. While the business has been a big gamble here an dhas made things very tight all looks like it will pay off and through this I can look forward to a very comfortable life from it. Saying that I am not a money person, I will always be an engineer who likes to build things from an idea and in this case it was a business. One day I will write a good book about it.
So all in all today was much better. She apoligised and told me she loves me. Her great quote today 'Sometimes I think I hate you, but when I hate you I still love you more then anything'. She is looking forward to me coming back to Australia for a couple of weeks.
Thanks gain for the advice.
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you
I have tried to do this in the past and it comes across to her as me 'controlling' her through money. So as a new approach I sat down with her when I was back in Australia and worked ut a budget of what SHE needs financially for a month. We did this and agreed to it and as soon as the business kicks off here that amount will be transferred to her every month and she can do with it as she wants.
One of her 'hates' about the marriage is that she had to 'come' to me to ask me for money and that with this she felt like she was a kid completely dependant on me, I have put myself in her shoes and I would not have liked it if the roles had been reversed. Mind you I never said no unless we were really short of cash. I think this way she now does not have to do this and she feels much more comfortable and has some independance. My wife is not money hungry, far from it, she just has never really captured the concept of budgetting, also being bipolar (although this is really getting under control), problems with money and spending are one of the classic symptons.
I dont think her motive was monetary, if it was she would have done other things in the seperation that would have put her in a far better position. Also her solicitor was advising her that she was going to get a big settlement (She showed me her Legal papers) and she actually took a 'risk' in her mind coming back to me. My Lawyer (who tunrs out to be good friends with her lawyer) was giving me the advice that she was unlikely to get anything - no wonder things to to $#$%^ when lawyers get involved.
I feel much better today - her apologising for outbursts is a big thing, she does it very rarely and lately she is doing it whenever she is upset. Much of this stuff would not be happening if I was not 15000 kms away and it is hard having these conversations over the phone instead of in person.
In the end I realise we all have our faults and weakneses, and the money is one of hers although I have seen a vast improvement since we have been back together and one of the things I have learnt is done let yourself get drawn into an arguement - find a way to get out of the conversation. The old me would have decided to stand toe to toe in the arguement but I think I am handling these things much better.
Oh well, its night time and I have a scotch night tonight and am meeting a couple of swiss bankers (oh dear sounds like fun ).
Thaks for your post and concern it is much appreciated.
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Gosh, farfromhome, the $ thing would make me nervous. Be careful, and if you don't mind me saying, you might need to stop being her bank. Seems you have always bailed her out and that can be quite addictive. Money can be an addiction like anything else. If she wants you for you and is serious about reconciling for the right reasons, and not for monetary reasons, she will need to NOT be so aggressive about money in the future. Good luck.
Glad to hear the latest episode was smoothed over. I can only imagine the frustration of having to deal with major issues from such a long distance.
Quote: The basic problem came from I had promised that things would be fixed up by now and in fact they have taken about a month longer then what I had hoped. I know I shouldnt have promised but I thought I was right. This is a thing that I have to work on as I am basically a people pleaser and will'promis' to do things and then find I have severely over committed myself. I need to correctly set expectations with her, so I am to blame for some of this.
Andrew, I'm wondering if thinking of W as an investor / shareholder would help in this area. As "CEO" of your business (you're the one bringing home the bacon, right?), it is your obligation to routinely report not only your expectations (promises) but also the deviations to your shareholders. If she is armed with a "FYI" from you, she might not get so stressed out handling the ceditors.
Also "playing" the CEO / shareholder roles may address some of her dependency issues if she felt more like a partner when it comes to receiving information on the financials.
Seeking to improve upon what works for you is a never ending endeavor.
She does have an issue with money and she has a history of being bailed out by people before I knew her. I think the approach of letting her work through her budgest and then say this is what she needs will be one that should work. I am trying to give her the financial 'independance' that she is after but also protect us financially as well.
I truely dont think she reconciled because of financial reasons but I still dont have 100% trust there yet. While she is not good with money she definiately isnt money hungry and I see a difference between the two of them.
I always try now to put myself in her shoes, the outburst this week was more due to the stress of creditors, moving and a range of other things. The fact that she apologised for it is a big step for us, it has been a long long time she she has apologised like that.
Thankyou for your wishes.
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you
I think I am getting better at this, you get hit over the head enough and you cant help but improve .
Thats a good approach and I think I will give it a go. I know we still have some basic trust issue below the surface but they are getting better. We get our first round of funding in next week and I will get my first cash for 18 months (oh boy am I looking forward to that). This will take a lot of the tension that we have with creditors away because they will all be paid out by the end of Oct.
When she is worrying about money she is a very different person and I am seeing some of that old happiness and love coming back in her voice. Our phone calls this week since the last one have been great, lots of closeness and just general chit chat. This was what I really missed the most during the seperation.
You are right about this being never ending. I also have to remember that her needs are much more financial. I like many was guilt of wrapping myself too much up in my world and thinking 'well you should know that I love you'. Looking back I can see that I actually missed some big signals that she wasnt happy.
Im looking forward to getting back to see her in a few weeks. Its nice having someone to look forward to seeing again. I think in the long run this time apart is being good for us too, she is learning to miss me again which is a nice feeling.
Catch you later
Andrew
_________________________________________________
To go forward you have to put the past behind you