d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

Belly Dancing?? That sounds like fun, but I'd be too scared my belly hasn't seen anyone since I was pregnant. Argh !!

I started using this "walker" excersise machine. Must have used it too long. Can't walk very well. Now I really look like an old woman. Ha

Today my H texts to me: good morning! did you have a good night last night? I texted him: Good morning to you as well, and yes, I had a great night, thanks for asking. (he didn't bring home d last night so of course he was no where near our house last night) plus he knows that I'm always at home with her when she's tucked in bed.

I made it sound like I really enjoyed myself, which I did - I sat out at my picnic table at dark and enjoyed the peacefulness that the darkness brought me. Waited for the racoons that are eating all my cat food (of course none came in when I was out)

Stayed up way too late, went to bed and had a meltdown for awhile until my prayers soothed me over and I fell asleep for awhile. My chest and ribs hurt so bad today and I know it is from crying. Argh !!

I'm trying not to remind him that it's the last time. (i did that along time ago). I know, he knows.

I try to remind myself that so many people on these posts are going thru far worse than me. The years that you have been dealing with this would be so hard. Sometimes I think I wish he would have stayed married to me and just did his own thing, until he figures this all out. But then, as hard as this is at least I will have closure with the divorce being final august 1. -- our wedding anniversary would have been Aug. 2nd -- 6 years; what an anniv. gift !

Maybe that is the only way that he can get through this himself is to divorce me.

I'm not saying I want it to end and maybe someday we can find each other again. But in my mind it will have to be over until he pursues me. So yes, I will learn to move on with my life and just maybe I'll get to be his again.

Our town has a big picnic celebration this weekend with live music and alot of our friends will be there. I feel really guilty he has our D4 (his weekend) and he's sooooo upset that my mother can't watch her. WTH??

All the years before he would be at the picnic - friday thru sunday. Never cared what we were going to do with D4 for the weekend (he knew I'd take care of the arrangements) D4 could always go for awhile but not appropriate for her at night. H wouldn't even come home (4 miles) to get me to take me up to picnic. H couldn't/wouldn't leave his friends, just to get me. Argh ! Maybe I am better off alone !!

So I will be going alone, after dark (he then will have d4 in bed) who knows maybe he'll get a sitter. I will however, enjoy and have a blast. As much as I love him, I hope he doesn't show up.

I know I will be asked alot of questions. I don't think anyone knows that we weren't divorced end of June. How can I be nice and not sound rude? I was just planning on saying, I still love him, but I don't want to discuss it???

Any Advice on how to handle ???

[Grace_O]

Belly Dancing?? That sounds like fun, but I'd be too scared my belly hasn't seen anyone since I was pregnant. Argh !!

And your point is? Sweetie, I have several years on you and I'm not the svelt thing. Doesn't matter. Do what you love.

Everyone out here is in a different place. Some have very ugly situations, we all hurt and do the best we can. You can't compare tears.

I feel really guilty he has our D4 (his weekend) and he's sooooo upset that my mother can't watch her. WTH??

I hope you don't really feel guilty. Guilt implies that you did something wrong. His weekend just falls where it does. It made me laugh that he's upset you Mom can't watch D4 for him. Why should she at all? She gets to have a life too. He has to take care of his own business now.

I hope you really enjoy the picnic. You need and deserve to have a great time.

As far as what to say when people ask, just keep it simple. Tell them you don't want to come off as being rude, but that you really don't want to talk about it. Then thank them for asking and their concern.

You'll do fine.

HUGS

[misshim]

Grace,
I did make it thru this weekend's picnic. Alot of people talked to me. Alot of people thought we were divorced already. I said no, paperwork error. The real hard part was his hunting buddies from last november remember him telling them that he had to come home to me. That I was complaining and wanted him home. Liar, he never came home any of those nights until 3 or so in the am. I just said that's not true, I know he loved hanging out with the hunting guys and I knew he wouldn't be home that was tradition. Best part? they left the hunting shed to go home to their wives but they drove by and saw H vehicle at strip club.

They knew then and there that he was making up stories, even to them. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but it really hurt me to hear what he was doing behind my back, for longer than I originally thought!!! But it was nice to have alot of the guys offer to help me out on the farm should I ever need help. Heck, a couple even bought me some beer at picnic.

I had a pretty good time there, even though friends there, I can't help but notice couples together holding hands, or with their kids. H was just never like that, we'd go to picnic and he'd go one way, (of course to be with buddies) and I'd go off somewhere else to find someone to talk with. He'd find me just before the place closed down for the evening.

Funny, he had D4 this past weekend, but he convinced his parents to stay home from a wedding just so they could watch her. So he was at picnic - stood 6 ft. away from me, and not a word. At least 1 hour went by, my friend and I walked down to the other end of the picnic, I was getting very overwelmed. I was good enough for him to come over & sleep on recliner, or make dinner for him or he'd bring dinner. Yet he was to embarrassed to say hi!

Place was packed, and I never saw him anymore that evening, so who knows where he went. But I was proud, I didn't look for him either. Around midnight he texts: where are u at? I never answered him.

Saw his parents next day, they just walked away from me. (to think we used to be close) blood is thicker than water, for sure.

I picked up D4 from my H, she begged him to come to our house and play. H - sorry, I'm busy.

What he had texted me though 1 hour before was, can't u get her early, she's driving me nuts! and i'm getting grayer by the minute. I was so upset, but I said, no sorry.

There is alot of friction again and I know it's because the divorce is set for august 1. I do hurt so bad, but I'm starting to realize that I don't think I really want to be with him. So many lies (and I thought our marriage was good back then) but to find out now.

He needs to grow up and realize alot. Hopefully he finds himself first.

I've decided I am calmer when I don't get texts from him and when he doesn't come over. (that's only since last weekend)

Just let happen what will happen. I've tried to save my marriage but it won't happen.

Take care !!! Thanks for everything, but really nothing new here, except I appreciate you listening.

[Grace_O]

So he was at picnic - stood 6 ft. away from me, and not a word. At least 1 hour went by,

Did you say "Hi"? Sometimes, I find that would wait for him to say something first. I don't anymore. I just say "Hey" and if he talks some ok, if not, I go on about my business.

The nice thing about texts is you don't have to answer right away or at all. I always answer at some point, just b/c H had gotten into a bad habit of not always responding and it made me nuts! I guess it speaks to his better side that he mostly does respond these days.

I'm glad you had a good time at the picnic. A couple of beers never hurts either

I may be a day late here, but I keep poppin' in. I'll be away next week, going to Las Vegas. Ah, sunshine, heat and bright lights.

If I can pry my D's away from the laptop, I'll check in with you.

Take care.

HUGS

[misshim]

Thanks again Grace,

You have been heaven sent. By next week I'll be divorced, hard to believe, seems like a nightmare.

I'll see him tonight when he drops off D4. It is so hard to see him, I just wish I didn't have to. Might make it easier.

I guess next week I'll have to move over to the divorced, not done area.

Funny, he offered to clean my barn this weekend. Maybe he'll wish me a happy d-day.

If nothing else, GAL (try to) - and be his friend. But it's so hard when I want a physical relationship with him. Help!!

Grace, I really hope you all have a great time in Las Vegas. I'll be thinking and praying for your safe trip.

Thanks again for you !!!

[Grace_O]

So he wants to clean your barn huh? Cool. I've got a garage that may never get cleaned out, but I work at it, slowly.

I know this weekend will be hard for you. Is there any chance you can get out and do something? I have no idea what might take your mind off of it. We all find different things to occupy our thoughts.

If you move forums, let me know and I'll stalk you (In a nice not creepy way) so I can keep in touch.

If nothing else, GAL (try to) - and be his friend. But it's so hard when I want a physical relationship with him. Help!!

I know you do. In the infamous words of Yoda "Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'"
You can GAL and make it a great one. You deserve it.

Grace, I really hope you all have a great time in Las Vegas. I'll be thinking and praying for your safe trip.

Thank you. How can I not, it's Vegas! For a small taste of the insanity that is my world... I'm going with my D's and H. Don't ask.

Take care and post away.

HUGS

[Grace_O]

How are you holding up?

[misshim]

Hi Grace,

Thanks for asking. I don't know what happened, I'm ok. No crying, no panic, just went thru my normal motions for the weekend. I didn't write this from last thursday but H played me for a fool. He texted me(last thurs.) that he was reconsidering the D. I was so happy, I told him to call my L friday am and tell her. We small texted and my heart was so happy. He even agreed to counseling for us. Well that was early evening, then 3 hours later he wanted to come over and stay, (daughter in bed) I said no, I was in bed and had to get up early. I just had a feeling that he was playing a game. Then at 1am friday he texted me, small talk. Very irrational texts.

I tried to stay nice but told him I had been sleeping (have to get up in a few hours). Friday came, I didn't hear from him or my lawyer. My heart sank, my brain already knew that the divorce wasn't to be stopped, but my heart hoped.

Friday pm, he dropped off D4, small talk. I stayed calm but nervous. He never said a word but he was looking forward to going out to pary. H goes to leave and I finally asked him if he had made his decision. He was so smug, he goes decision? about what?. I asked him, are we still going to be married on our anniversary on sunday? He looked at me and smiled and said, divorce going thru on saturday.

I was so ticked off. But held it in, He got into his vehicle and I walked up to him and wished him happiness and he was being such a smart ass that I told him what I thought of some of the foolish things he has done these last 8 months. And how much he crushed me with his comments about not wanting to have children and blaming alot on daughter. I tried to smile the whole time. Then I told him to get the H**L off my property. Wrong, but felt good.

He left, I never cried. Woke up saturday (day of divorce), thanked the Lord for all he has done for us and went about my day with my D4. Sunday "old" anniversary, wow it didn't really bother me.

Tonight will be the first time I will have seen him or "talked" to him since friday. Whether he likes it or not he will drop D4 off and leave. This is what he wanted. MY DAUGHTER & I WILL BE OK !! I actually feel relieved.

How is it going with you??

[WCW]

misshim, sorry you got played by your H. It's just adding insult to injury, very cruel.

Stick to your guns now, he wanted out of your life so it's past time for him to stay out. Keep to whatever the visitation rules state but no more unless it's an advantage to you or your D4.

How's the barn cleaning coming?

[misshim]

You bet I'll stick to the schedule. XH came over last night to drop off D4. He pulled into driveway and shut his vehicle off. I was at the back of house and was listening. First thing came to mind. Just because he shut vehicle off, he is not going to stay here for any longer than to just get D4 out of his vehicle. That was a promise I made to myself when his divorce was final.

He got D4 out of vehicle, then I stepped out from the back of house. She quickly said bye to him and ran to me yelling momma. I loved it !! I was dressed up (for me that is) I've never worn a short skirt before (has shorts built into them) but I had that on & a new shirt and nice sandals. Makeup, earrings, jewelry. My XH and I never spoke, but he was eyeing me up and down. HA-ha. It felt good not to talk to him. Mean maybe for now, but I'm doing that for me. I want to heal.

XH left and ever so slowly he pulled down the road, looking at our yard. What he didn't know or believe was I was cleaning up the farm and weedwacking and mowing for 6 hours this past sunday. I can't believe how nice it all looks. I actually had a blast w/weedwacker. It's a big one and has almost like handle bars on it. I raked gravel, picked up old metal and fencing. Busy, busy. Funny how he never did all of that work. These weeds have been growing for many years. I remember never liking the way my property looked, not very tidy.

He used to tell me that no one ever helped him clean up the place. I admit it was hard for me to help him with our daughter, she's a spit fire, look away and she was gone. Climbing into pasture or ladders. Or she was a baby and with flies and mosquitos, I didn't really want her out. Now that she's older, I can work like crazy and she even helps. She's the best rock picker around (ha-ha). It's how we approach our kids with chores and she loves to help me. Funny thing, I did all that work by myself on Sunday. Even had to stop to help my D4 wipe her bottom once, and get her lunch.

And yes, WCW --- I and D4 cleaned out the barn !! She had on her "poop" boots (as she calls them) and we shoveled away. She played with the goat and cow (1200 # holstein cow) that's all I have left now. I'll be getting rid of them too this fall. Just too much expense and work w/fences, frozen water in winter, major electic bills with all that running in the winter. Hate to do that to D4 but needs to be done.

Have a great day and thanks for stopping by. I suppose I need to go to the divorced spot and start over. Yea, Yea, I'll get to it soon !! LOL everyone