Myers-Briggs or DISC use?

[Bagheera]

A lot of talk here about how to communicate with spouses regarding sex and SSM - does anyone have thoughts/opinions on how to use Personality Profiles, such as DISC and/or Myers-Briggs, in this area?

With regard to relationships, I have found the Enneagram system to be the most helpful in (a) understanding oneself and (b) understanding one's spouse. Correctly "typing" oneself can be difficult, however, espescially if you aren't initially happy with the results -- it's easy to shift a few answers on an on-line test to obtain a result more to your liking. The most accurate way that I have found in typing oneself is to carefully read through each of the descriptions of the 9 basic types (I like the extensive descriptions at The Enneagram Institute), and discover which one really speaks to the YOU at your core. Note that overlaps between types can also occur, in the form of secondary "wings," for a total of 27 types possible in the system. For example, I am personally a Type 4 with a 5-wing.

In the Enneagram system, one can also dig deeper into what are called your instinctual subtypes, which describe whether you have, on the subconscious level, a Self-Preservation orientation, Social orientation, or Sexual orientation. Important note: this last is NOT a measure of sexuality, per se, but is instead a measure of how pair- or couple-oriented you are). Of these three subtypes, most of us have a primary mode, a seocndary mode, with an under-developed tertiary mode. Again using myself as an example, my subtype "stacking" is of the Sexual/Self-Presservation variety. This does not mean that I can't be social, I can: it simply means that I draw my greatest degree of fulfillment and security from my pairing-relationship, secondarily from myself (my "lone-wolf" tendencies), and the least from social interractions -- I have to work at being social. And, as a Type 4 Sex/Self stacking -- I have to be particularly careful of NOT becoming codendent and clinging, especially when under stress.

With regard to relationships, the Enneagram Institute site has a section devoted to Type Compatibilities; that is, how a person of each of the nine types does when paired up with someone else of each of the nine types --> for a total of 72 different pairings, or combinations. If you can type both yourself and your spouse accurately, then this information can give you some nice relationship insight and show you the pitfalls inherent in your own particular pairing (to see the pitfalls portion of their write-ups, however, you have to sign up for their quarterly email).

I've done a little investigating with the Myers-Briggs system (I'm a INFJ, bordering on INTJ), but haven't found the information available on that system to be as helpful with regard to either relationships or gaining a deeper understanding of oneself. Humorously, I *have* found the much less formal OKCupid Dating Persona profile (which I won't link here) to be rather helpful in understanding someone, relationship wise. Their fun test measures your "relationship goals and moral values" specifically, and produces a surprisingly good "snapshot" in that regard.

One final warning: in attempting to "type" yourself or your spouse, take your time, think about it, and digest it --> you're looking for who you are **at your core**, and NOT a persona that you or your spouse projects towards others. Also, be honest with yourself about what you discover: every type has both good and bad traits associated with it, and *none* of the "unhealthy" states are desireable. But honestly recognizing that you are in an unhealthy state is the first step toward bringing about personal growth, and moving oneself towards the healthier states associated with each type.

Best regards,

-- Bagheera