However, Sunday night W and I had our meeting to discuss our separation agreement, and what a meeting it was. The financials and property agreement was easy, no arguments there. I started out the meeting a little angry. I've come to the realization that I've been feeling quite resentful over how much my W still asks of me even though she left me and is having an A. That finally all came out in the open. We had the most honest talk we've had in a long time. She very frankly, but with compassion, told me in detail why she felt so unloved in our M, and I couldn't argue with any of it. She told me how how I hurt her over and over again by being distant and witholding myself from her. I said I was truly sorry for the hurt I caused her. I validated everything she said. She said she doesn't think I'm capable of loving her the way she needs to be loved. Again, didn't argue with her. I did express the ways I did show her I loved her, and she agreed with those things, but that it was mixed half and half with the feeling that I resented the burden our M and family put on me. Again, couldn't argue. She said there's no way we can ever be together again. She validated me too, when she said my actions were at least defensible, but what she did is indefensible, meaning her A. Our conversation was tense, but getting closer.
Then the conversation changed. She said it makes her so sad, because even through it all, she still loves me, but if she gets too close then her bad feelings come back. I said I still love her too, and that our separation has allowed me to see her again the way I used to see her. She said she wanted me to know she did strongly and deeply love me at one time, but that our bad times eroded it away. I said we should have separated years ago, and we might have been able to save that, but we couldn't because we had little babies. She agreed. We both said we don't regret our marriage at all. We were getting closer and closer. We started holding hands, and didn't let go for an hour.
I asked her about last weekend when we had such a good time at the baseball game and how she said it messed with her head. She immediately reared back and said "I knew I shouldn't have sent you that!" I said "Why? It's not like I didn't already know." She said "What do you mean?" I said "W, it's obvious we still really enjoy being together, and that's the problem. I don't know what to do with that." Finally, finally, FINALLY, she admitted she feels the same way. I'm not crazy! So I got my courage up and I told her "I'd like us to start spending some time together." She said "To what end?" I replied "I don't know." She said "There can't be even any notion of reconciliation," to which I replied "Let's just take that right off the table." She said "Then what would we be doing?" Again, I said "I don't know, but the alternative is to take this thing we have and just throw it away and add it to the tragedy of all this. We could do that, but I don't want to." She looked at me and said "I guess we can think about it."
We rambled on about some other things for a while, holding hands, then finally we said we need to go. We got up and I stepped closer to her, took her face in my hands and kissed her. She pulled back a little and I whispered "It's okay." I kissed her again, longer this time and she kissed back. Then we wrapped our arms around each other and hugged long and hard. I tried to end it after a few moments, but she held on tight. After we let go, we left and walked to our cars. We had another kiss at her car, and she grabbed the front of my shirt with her hands. I couldn't tell if she was trying to pull me closer or push me away. I said "Well, you've got me. What are you going to do with me?" She said "I don't know." Our moment ended, she got in her car, and then said "We need to keep this from the kids so they don't get their hopes up." I said "I know. If we do spend some time together, we shouldn't tell them." She agreed. We said our last goodbyes, and that was it, she drove off.
