back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

Venting but would love to hear what others have done. What do you do when you are happy with who you are? Your GALing is sucessful for you. Your IC says "now it is a waiting game". What do you do when your was treats you with less repsect than the freinds you see one a month or less.

I know you are not to focus on the WAS but how do you function "as a make believe couple" around other people? How do you keep up the sharade in front of the kids without blowing it when asked what is mom doing this or not doing that? I believe my road to recovery of our M is close to the end. It now has a half life of 8 months. I just don't know how to put up with all the crap and put my life on hold so W can move on with hers.

W has some serious issues and is not seeing anyone to help work through them. Where W ended up the last time she tried to work through them was not prettty.

[The Wifey]

62906,

Except in front of your children, why do you feel it is necessary to function as a make believe couple? And, in front of your children you need only be polite. If they notice or question anything, it will need to be addressed.

GAL is important and I'm glad it has been successful for you.

I believe my road to recovery of our M is close to the end. It now has a half life of 8 months. I just don't know how to put up with all the crap and put my life on hold so W can move on with hers.

W has some serious issues and is not seeing anyone to help work through them. Where W ended up the last time she tried to work through them was not prettty.

I advise you to focus on the WA posts and the thinking of Walking posts. They have helped me more than any other.

You haven't gotten beyond your hurt to actually identify where your wife is, how she has felt, what is really driving her, to understand her hurt and her doubts.

Yes you should work on you. Be the best you that you can. But also realize this isn't just a waiting game waiting for her to "come to her senses." It doesn't work that way.

You shouldn't completely put your life on hold. In fact, GAL is not putting your life on hold. It is supposed to help you get to the point that you will be ok if your W d's you or stays. If she wants to stay and work on the M, great, but if not you will be ok.

Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. You can't change someone's feelings over night. You didn't get here in a short period of time and it will take a long period to get beyond it.

Putting a time table of 8 months on your recovery is somewhat foolish and reeks of expectations. You have the right to declare yourself done at any point. But can you look in the mirror right now and say you've done everything possible? Will you be able to at 8 months?

You don't know how to put up with the crap. Don't take crap. Be respectful and expect the same in return. It is not necessary to take abusive, disrespectful treatment. Nor is it right to bristle at the least little thing.

Your W does have issues. Some of them are with you, but not all. Validate and work on changing the things she has issues with. Let her deal with the rest of the garbage. You work on you.

BTW, much of what your w said is script. I haven't yet found the author of this stupid script to run over, but someone is handing it out in prolific numbers. Believe nothing of what she says and only half of what she does.

Get outside of your own hurts. Yeah it hurts. But there are reasons/actions/feelings that drove your w to this point. If it only looks to you like your w's issues then the road will be longer than you can handle the crap - guaranteed.

[Doingitright]

Wifey. Thanks for the post. You are dead on. I am trying to understand how everything just got shut down in one day. Litterally 1 day. I am trying to understand and help her. I think the later is impossible. I am certain that she believes she was too dependant on me. Her comment on being finNcially independant of me gave me the 2x4 to the head. So I think any help or suggestions I try to give will just make the sitch worse.

Tough thing is we don't have much to say to eachother. She is not very talkative lately. When we do talk it is about things in the future. Which is very bizarre to consider. The coues things seem awkward to me as the other couples sit together and hold hands and actually look at eachother. W cannot pull this off. We have a whole weekend with other couples and then family visiting for 5 days and an 8 day family vacation.

I had the time line based on W graduating and her goal and comment...I need to be financially independant and she doesn't think it is worth it to fix our M. Our MC sad I should really try and get her to seek help. For her sake and the kids. Not about our M but about her and finding herself.

If any has any reading recommendation please fire away. I did LR and DR.

[Doingitright]

So here is my quandary...I am still stuck in this gear and cant get past these thoughts. W is planning on going to school. We are not working on "us". W cannot even sit on the couch next to me any longer. She cannot be within 3 feet of me without saying sorry (like we were going to bump into each other and do harm). We do not say ILY or hug and kiss good night, good bye. The kids are starting to feel tension as to who they should sit with at night to watch TV. We have conversations at the dinner table about everyones day but that is about it. No conversations between the two of us even if we are the only ones in the room. I feel I am really stuck as to what to do next. I of course can try and do the math and when I do I get

school for 8 months + wanting to find herself + needing financial security + M is not worth saving = the big D once graduation + new job happens. But I am trying not to be that cynical. I kind of approached it with her in that manner when i signed the loan papers and she said what was I talking about there is no grand plan. Just her trying to find herself and get some self esteem as she has 0 now. What are anyones thoughts?

[Doingitright]

I started reading "women's Infidelity Living in Limbo" by Michelle Langley. It has to be the most depressing thing I have read thus far about relationships.

[Doingitright]

I read the rest of "Women's Infidelity - Living in Limbo" by Michelle Langley last night. I was almost completely useless. There were some shreds of logic that could be useful but all in all it was a waste of money. I did find an interesting article in the NY times from last week. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

It is a different perspective on the usual sitch.

[Coach]

school for 8 months + wanting to find herself + needing financial security + M is not worth saving = the big D once graduation + new job happens. But I am trying not to be that cynical. I kind of approached it with her in that manner when i signed the loan papers and she said what was I talking about there is no grand plan. Just her trying to find herself and get some self esteem as she has 0 now. What are anyones thoughts?

Two thoughts.
1. Don't connect the dots like you did in your equation all the time. Wasted energy.
2. Why did you sign a loan for her to go back to school if she has one foot out of the door? I was in a similiar sitch and I was not going to support something that I thought was going to ruin my marriage/family. That is "Nice Guy" mentality to sign a loan, tough love means I will support your efforts when we both have a plan and are mutually in agreement.

Coach

[mac-ct]

I was in a similiar sitch and I was not going to support something that I thought was going to ruin my marriage/family. That is "Nice Guy" mentality to sign a loan, tough love means I will support your efforts when we both have a plan and are mutually in agreement.

Listen to the man.

I'm in the same position. Hurts like hell but ...... don't do this again.
Big girls make decisions with consequences and must stand on their on two feet.

Chin up

Mac

[Doingitright]

Coach Thanks. I just needed to hear other opinions. I really think you are right on the "Nice guy" thing.

My first thought was screw it she is leaving. Then I thought that was being a Richard. I always try and take the higher road. It was that good old catholic up bringing and guilt complex. Which of course fits into the nice guy thing. Kept down the path what if we D. I hate to say that as I am here with all the detaching and GALing for me in an effort to make all things possible and better. That includes my wife staying my wife and not the big D. I came up with my ideas and bounced them off a friend who is divorced.

I am sure this is flawed thinking but here is why…I saw her not having a job or career if I didn't. She would remain a SAHM. She would definitely get 100% kids custody. Which means I have to foot the bill for everything after half is gone. We live in an area of extremely high cost of housing. So I didn’t want to have her stay somewhere nice I me have to live in a dump just to be close to kids. W having work and career would lead to her having to pay for her own things. That would make my load lighter on support and kind of level the playing field as we would both be working. That would make it better for a joint custody situation. Neither of us could leave the state but I could get the kids more than every other weekend.

[Doingitright]

Realization seen through GALing and detaching...
What I have learned in the last 6 months of this living purgatory is this: When I got wound up about something and decided to make an issue of it I made matters worse. Feelings were doing the thinking. The feelings in most cases were derived from fear or an idle mind with nothing more to think of than the marriage or the demise of the marriage. In other words I over thought and in some cases took a small event and rolled down the hill like a snowball. At the bottom of the hill the small thing became this enormous thing that it really should not have been. Not good or healthy.

The letting go does give you peace. My challenge has been to not get where my W is...not feeling anything for my spouse or at least saying I don't. I don't want to be that hypocrite.