I actually feel I am doing better at detachment. Some days better, some days worse, but I have only been noting these things along the way for the last few weeks for myself, a distant awareness of what my W is doing so to speak. Not to try and use them to my advantage, or leverage or anything after I pick up on something.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Quit doing these things to change her. All these little questions about how she is reacting leads me to believe you have not truly gotten this whole thing.
You have to get into this whole zinlike being, where you are changing for you, being the absolutely best you can be, and in the end if this truly happens, then she MAY come around. Like I have said many times, it is just a great waste product of the chemical equation for making you an awesome dude.
Dburt, I am already on that path. My changes for me started a couple months ago, nothing to do with my W at all, I have not been trying to change her, where I clearly see I had been before. I truly looked at myself, and thought: Is this really who I want to be? Am I doing what I really want to be doing? There was, and still is, a lot of soul searching for me, nothing at all to do with my W.
That has lead me to do a lot over the last few months, but I still hold that thread of hope for our M, so I keep some notes on what W is doing, and I know I still have love for her. But I also know that my changes are real, for me and about me, so that regardless if we D or not, I will be better than I was before, stronger and happier.
The 64 million dollar IWITW so to speak..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Couple guys from work last night wanted to go out, so I hung out with them after work for a couple of beers, had a good time, but that means I don't see d8 or W at all yesterday.
I want to post some thoughts that came up, kind of a rant on myself, and wonder if everyone else has these thoughts as well.
One of the guys we were with is single, and there was an attractive blonde sitting near us, he didn't hesitate after a while, and approached her. They hung for a bit, and looked to have a good time, and he got her contact info for further date.
The reason I bring this up was, at first I thought, man, I am going to have to have the courage that he did in the future if we D to start approaching women as well, which caused some feelings of fear to come up just thinking about that. But then an unexpected train of thought started that kind of kept with me for the rest of the night.
I first saw my current W when I was about 20 years old. She was married to someone I know, and why I saw her. I was at there house, and to this day I remember the moment like it was yesterday. She came out of the sliding door on their deck and I was blown away. Obviously she was married so I couldn't approach her, or anything.
However, fate brought us together again, when I took a job as a single guy at a night club on weekends, the exact same club that she went to, to dance on weekends after D with her old husband. One thing lead to and I was able to get together with the girl of my dreams.
I realized last night, that there's just something about her that I have never experienced with any other women. I look around, and in my 40 years, no one has ever hit me with those sudden feelings, as when I first made eye contact with her. And I mean no one! How can that possibly be? And how can it be that I screwed it up so badly over our relationship?
Certainly my W is no 10 on the looks scale, and there's more physically attractive women out there, but even when I see them, they just don't 'do it' for me the way she does.
How the heck do I reconcile that if we D? How the heck does this one person only 'do it' for me? If there is some greater power, what the heck is this trying to do for my life, in a positive way?
I am not writing this in a depressed state or anything, I just realized I can't even pinpoint the exact emotions I have when I think about my W, or that first 'shock' value emotion when I first met her, or whatever it is that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Are there any answers at all to these stupid questions that run through my head? Are there any hopes at all for ever finding another women that 'does' it for me again?
I have to imagine I am not the only one that has hit on this, or thought about it, or gone through it. What are your thoughts on this?
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
How the heck do I reconcile that if we D? How the heck does this one person only 'do it' for me? If there is some greater power, what the heck is this trying to do for my life, in a positive way?
I have had the same thoughts as well. But, I see it a little differently now. I truly don't believe God wants me to be D'd. But, if that happens, then it is part of His plan. I may not like it or even understand it (I won't). But, it also means that if the D happens, then there is someone out there He wants me to be with, someone who needs (deserves?) me more than W, and someone with whom I will find happiness like I have never known before. Again, I do not want that since I now know my W and I can have ALL of those things in a new, more healthy R - she just does not know it yet.
When you look at it like that, it makes a little more sense, and I think it is easier to swallow.
Tell her that you accept that, but you don't agree with it. Tell her that acceptance is not agreement. Tell her that you accept that this is her choice...but it is not the choice that you would have made.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks antlers, here is what I put in my reply. I tried to incorporate both into what I feel is the correct response for me. I do not know how she will react, nor do I care/
Quote:
On your other question: That is your decision to make, and I will go and abide by and accept your choice. That does not mean my acceptance is agreement with your choice.
No idea if that is the correct DB approach or not, but I feel it was the correct thing to say for me.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
She setup next mediation meeting, so when we discussed it tonight, I told her she needs to tell me what I am supposed to do or have ready for the meeting. I also told her I will not be paying for the mediation.
She got angry immediately:
And first said she doesn't have any money. Uh, ok, so if you can afford 7k for new breasts, and then buy a new car, how is it that you have no money, exactly????? I didn't say that to her, but said, you have money, and if this is something that you really want, you need to decide how to pay for it.
After that, she said that by trying to make her pay, I was trying to place the blame for our divorce and problems on her for instead of me, where they should reside.
What? What does that even mean? I don't even get that one, but I just said, I am sorry you feel that way, but the reason I don't want to pay, is this is something I don't want, so I decided that I don't have to pay for it. I won't stop her, but if it's something she truly wants, then she can figure out how to pay for it.
Her response was, well, your responsible, and we'll just discuss it with the mediator, and then the courts, and they will make you pay.
Um. Ok, what?
Well, I left it at that, we briefly touched on some R stuff that we probably shouldn't have, but I asked her what is it she is looking for in life? Happyness, peace, prosperity, etc, etc. I told her, and I know I probably shouldn't have, I am glad you want those things, and those are things that we could have had together, and retired to my room for the night.
She's set on the D as being her only out, I'll continue to DB, in fact, I put my Ring back on tonight for the first time in a while. I was sick of wearing it when she wasn't, but for me, it's about what I want, not for anything she is doing, etc..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
JK..