Thanks mishka! I am selling what is left from the business I had with H, I worked as a wardrobe stylist and sold vintage clothing and accessories styled in street fashion.
IN terms of the interaction with H, I don't just want the interaction to be able to post something more interesting. I just want that interaction period because I miss him. and I just feel bored with myself at the moment, there are 3 constants in my life and thats job/apt hunting, financial problems, and living sitch. I'm just tired of it ya know?? And this is board if for DBing, and I sometimes feel like I shouldnt even be here because I have absolutely NO CONTACT with him and it already just feels like its over. It's really hard to try and stop a D and continue DBing when H is gone with no communication.
But I know I need to DB anyway for myself to get better. I understand what you mean about the drama, I definitely don't want it but I do want some sort of interaction with him because I haven't stopped loving him. I just feel like dirt, dropped just like that and he doesn't even care.. it just makes me really sad and I have lost a lot of hope for ever reconciling with him. I've lost a lot of hope for ever being friends with him even. I don't even know if I want this anymore. I am more confused than I've ever been. I just know right now, that he has hurt me tremendously, broke my heart, treated me like cr*p and is behaving very selfishly at the moment and I don't know if I can be with someone who was willing to do all those things to me and someone who was willing to leave me when I'm sick instead of trying to help me through it. I don't know if I want to be with someone who wouldn't come to the hospital to see me when I nearly died from a suicide attempt.
I look back on everything and I was blaming myself for everything, for all the bad things that happened in our relationship but now, right this very second, looking back, he seems to have treated me far worse than I did. Of course, I'm no angel, but some of the things he's done, is quite extreme and he has accused me of extreme behavior that he can't handle. Whatever. What makes me angry the most is that he walked away from someone who was sick and suicidal and set himself free from me right when he walked out the door. It wouldn't have mattered if I had died that night in the hospital. He would not have come anyway. And I know this is the main reason why I don't think I could be with him anymore. I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone could walk away from someone who is sick. I would never do that to him, I would never do that to anyone, not even a stranger. I just hope that whenever he's in a new relationship and if he ever ends up being sick, the woman he is with will not walk away from him because its too hard for her to handle. Because that type of pain of being abandoned when you need so much help and support is something I would never wish upon anyone, no one should ever have to feel that way.
Anyway, this is just making me angry and I've reached a point where I sometimes don't want to reconcile anymore. I just want to shut him out. Never respond to him if he ever contacted me in the future, throw away all of his stuff that he left behind, and rid myself of this pain and just f*ckin move on with my life and have fun, meeting new people, partying, socializing, laughing, dating, living, being.
I have to admit I am proud of some of my accomplishments and am really proud that I have made it to nearly 2 months without him and didn't end up in the hospital again. I really didn't believe I would make it. Nothing has progressed in terms of our relationship but I have definitely made improvements in my daily behaviors that I'm proud of
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
I agree w/Mishka. Your progress and your achievements are what's interesting. H drama is boring too -- same old, same old, blah, blah, blah.
You are interesting -- don't need anything else.
Stacy
Stacy (sorry for the hijack) cannot find YOUR thread and know you'll be off the board soon with your bil...lost mine 11 months ago to a brain tumor and my sister was IS a wreck - sort of okay now. It's a BIG deal and he was 42 w/2 kids....(talk to brandnewday about how to reach some people here in alt world)...
and don't forget to take care of YOUR M while helping out BIL...is it your h's family? My mil is dying of cancer and was in chemo when MY sister needed me most and choosing is hard. But h was actually fine with it but it was hard for our kids shuffling around and being on the "death watch"...also had an unexpected death thrown in there too, in the family and outside so 2008 was NOT a good year for that.
Contact if you want....SORRY FOR HIJACKING....
Stay strong...and keep praying. (Your kids will face this someday so remember that they are watching this too. You are modelling the dealing with death and grief and working through it, for them. I wish my sister had done a better job with that....) she cannot "hear" that even now though.
(( j- ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Lets see, what happened today. Well for one, I got a rejection letter from gov't job I applied for. I knew already though so I wasn't surprised one bit.
Then I spent most of the day talking to friends online as usual. God I wish I could speak instead of type to them. But I take what I can get.
Oh and then I went to get my prescriptions at Wal-Mart and then........... BOUGHT A BIKE!!! YAAAAY!!! I just said, feck it, I'm gonna get myself the bike I want, I deserve it. And now my beautiful new ride is home with me!
I don't know what else to do right now. I still feel quite lost since that breakdown awhile back. I'm having a hard time picking myself up from that. But working on it nonetheless!
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Morning everyone.. I'm a bit distraught at the moment. I never expected to hear from H so you can understand my surprise this morning when I received an email from him.. I don't know what to do regarding what it is asking me, before I go any further, here's the email:
Hi, I'm sorry I took so long to reply to this. It's been a hard time for me and I haven't been feeling great. But I'm working on each day at a time. I know it's incredibly hard for you too, but I'm just expressing where I'm coming from. I'm having trouble with my visa and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay after Aug 31st. You had said before that you'd help if you can and I'm asking if you'll sign a form, I think it's just one page and one signature, that acknowledges we got married. I've been on ***** as much as I can, and I'm trying to get some money in, so I can also get you a few hundred dollars as soon as I can, like I said before, but I'm sorry it's delayed. There's so much to pay for I'm totally swamped, I know you know what it's like. But I'll get you cash as soon as I can. I hope you're well and I hope the job interview went well, and I just want you to know I'm thinking of you, love H
I honestly don't know what to say. To be totally honest, I feel like I am being used. He only emailed me when he needed something and I know I said I would do anything to help him with the visa but that was a long time ago when I missed him so much that I would do anything to get him back. Now, I'm just angry at him, too angry to want to do this. I know if I don't do it, he'll have to go back home and I probably will never see him again and will not have anymore contact with him, which I really don't want, but I don't want to be a doormat either, I don't want to be someone he comes to only when he needs help.
What do you guys think I should do? I know for sure that I'm not going to reply right away. To be quite honest, I don't want to reply back at all. This really hurts. How did I know that he'd only contact me if he needed something? A part of me wants to do it for him just because I love him and because I feel like this will be the last thing I do for him to make up for the past. But he hasn't done anythng to make up for the past and the mistakes that he's made - I really feel like he's just using me.
I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. Can any of you experienced DBers give me any advice at all? Anything would be greatly appreciated. I know I need more than a few days to think about what I want to do but advice on how to proceed would be so helpful right now and even just support. Thanks so much, I look forward to hearing your responses..
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
AGH this is really wrecking my head. I know I have to be patient and take the time to think about this but this is such a huge decision to make that I can't stop thinking about it. I wish there was someone who could tell me exactly what to do!
I was talking to my friend earlier and she told me that it may not be the best thing to do, to sign the papers for him, but it is the RIGHT thing to do. And I kind of agree.
H told me that what he did (leaving) may not be the right thing to do but it was the best thing to do. Which I don't agree with, I always believe in doing the right thing rather than the best thing for your own gain. And I don't want to be like him, I don't want to stoop to that level but then again, I really, really feel like I'm being used and I do not want to be a doormat to be walked all over either.
Sigh.
Me: 25 years young H: 37 No Kids M: almost 3 years (anniv coming up Sept 25th) Together: 4years Bomb: June 12th, 2009
**LOVE WILL FIND A WAY FOR TWO FOOLS IN THE RAIN**
