Can it get any worse?

[glamgirl]

Naej and BH thanks for stopping by. Yes Naej I would like to move away, but not all that easy. Working on my future and where that goes, which could include a move.

As far as contact with h, I am firm but friendly. No contact other than the kids now and then. I wouldn't say I have expectations necessarily,but I do want answers. I guess that is where dropping the rope comes in. It's hard to have closure and drop the rope when there are so many unanswered questions for me, but you are right I probably will never get them and if I did would I be able to understand the answers.

BH I don't feel I enable my h's behavior. I hardly have any contact with him. I can't force him to act anyway other than what he does. I am friendly but firm. This man is in my life since we have kids. What is most important for me and our children is to co-parent in a healthy way.

I most certainly don't want to be stuck. I do admit I am still in a state of shock expeciallly with this latest development. It still is hard for me to look at my h and accept him for who he is today. Looking at his family and the person he was when we met, it's hard to process this is who he is, the selfish choices he made, and the mess he has made of his life.

He really did not fit that mold. He was raised to be respectable, he had good role models for men growing up. Now my first h fit the mold. It was much easier to accept. My h I thought was so much smarter and talented than what he has shown. Maybe I have given him so much more credit, but it's so hard to look at him today and wonder how his life got so far off course and why he would allow that. Why he would allow that is what baffles me.

I guess that is the part Naej that I just need to let go. He is human and he will make mistakes. I guess I just wasn't prepared for him to make the kind of mistakes he did and to continue to make those mistakes and not want to do anything to fix it.

I guess this could be why my h sarcastically said to me one day you are so perfect and judgmental. No I wouldn't say that, I just held my h in such high regards, it's so very hard to look at him and accept that this is who he is today. I always think of his family and his brothers and how my h would teach and coach them in life and now he is so far away from the values that I thought were instilled in him.

Acceptance is what I will need to put closure to all of this mess. Understanding is something I will probably never get.