On vacation so I don't have as much opportunity to post. Saw your's yesterday. Just keep doing what you are doing. DON'T ask about where she went, what she did, who she saw. This is hard at first, but it will actually likely bother her more than you. If she talks about it, then listen. But let her be the one to initiate that discussion.
I meant to ask, but what are you doing for your GAL'ing? I started going out to dinner and a movie with a friend every couple of weeks - just one thing, but something I never would have done before, especially on a week night.
Hey GIMA, thanks for commenting on your vaca, been following your posts, try and have some fun while your down there!
I wanted to follow up on mine from yesterday, and I did just what GIMA suggested above during the day.
It was helped by the fact I had taken d8 to family b-day party, and while I was out of sorts myself for a while during the day, I was able to sort through things in my mind a bit, and get back on my DB game.
Came back from party to house, W was on the computer, listening to something, so that helped as well. To not disturb her, and since I wanted some time to myself, after I put d8 to bed, I watched a comedy movie "Knocked Up" upstairs in our room, rather than in the living room.
Since I was able to refocus on myself and what I was doing during the day, I wanted to note couple minor things from yesterday to keep me on the DB path:
I took the W new car to the dump, as that's where our dump sticker is, then got some gas for the lawn mower, etc. I didn't offer any commentary on the car after I got back. W finally seemed to want my thoughts on it, and asked me what I thought of the new car, and if I liked it, etc. I offered up only a slightly disinterested "Yeh, I like it, it's nice." and moved on. I felt good about holding back and waiting for her to initiate this, and even though it's a minor thing, think it's an improvement that she wanted to know my opinion on something.
Also from yesterday, while I was watching the movie upstairs, she came into the room to go into our bathroom and brush her teeth. She made sure not to look at me, or say anything, but I casually watched her as she went back out, she looked at the TV and smirked/scowled as she walked back out and closed the door, again making sure not to look at me, or say anything. I thought this was interesting, as she has not come into our room to brush her teeth at night since moving to the other bedroom to sleep in.
Last edited by iwantittowork; 08/03/0901:41 PM.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Also, this week, I am thinking about closing the credit card that she has of mine that we use for Gas for the cars.
I firmly have come to the conclusion that paying her daily expenses, such as cell phone, gas, etc is not my responsibility anymore, and she should take ownership of that. She can afford the new car, the breast enhancement, etc, and wants out of the M, then I believe I am doing the right thing for me doing this.
Anyone have insights into this type of financial decision during DB, even though it may seem minor to you, I'd like your thoughts on it. Given my W won't currently going back to work until September, but I still don't think that's my concern..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I meant to ask, but what are you doing for your GAL'ing? I started going out to dinner and a movie with a friend every couple of weeks - just one thing, but something I never would have done before, especially on a week night.
I don't normally 'toot my own horn' so to speak, but I realized that I (and probably many on this board) don't give attention too, nor praise for ourselves and others doing these things. So, I am documenting in this post those things I have done that I consider GAL, and how they have impacted me. My hope is that someone actually reads through them, and takes some positive steps for themselves with there own GAL activities.
My GAL's:
- First and foremost, Since January - I started working out 3-4 times a week, and just this past weekend passed the 30lb lost mark, also fighting through a pinched nerve in my back at the same time. I am not in the same shape I was when I was 25, but darnit, I AM in the best shape I have been in, in 10+ years!
- 1 a week, started going to IC that I chose, for me, to work on the issues I identified that I needed to work on. The IC also suggested that I attend his group sessions 1 a week.
- 1 a week, mens only group sessions. I can't express enough, even though I have only just started about 1.5 months ago, how much this has helped already. After this short timespan, I realize now, that I had been missing close relationships with other men during my life. I had 'buddies' and friends, but never people you could open up to intimately. This one thing I think will be hugely important to me, whatever happens to my current R. I can't stress enough to people that you should really look into this for yourselves.
- Over the last couple of months, been out several times with old work buddies just for dinners, also went with a bunch of guys to drag race, been visiting my BIL, who I used to hang out a lot with, and my d8 plays with my niece while he and I work on his car, or the boat he just built. Also started more intimate conversations with him, and realized he needs that as well, closeness with other guys, in non-judgmental ways..
- Every Friday after work, they have a social 'party' to close out the week, I used to just not go and head straight home, feeling guilty about how long I was away from home while working during the week, etc. I now go for an hour or two every week, it's nice to socialize with co-workers in non pressure environment.
- Upcoming plans -
In October, 2 buddies and I are flying to Denver to watch the Pats/Bronco's play, and I just can't wait for football season to start!
Other friend just contacted me today, saying he has tickets to the Pat's hall of fame, and if I would like to go, so were setting that up for a night after work, hit that place, then dinner.
(Yes, I am a HUGE pat's fan, sorry to all you New England haters out there!)
Got to work on my boat, need to clean that up and get it running, my d8 is longing to get out on the ocean, and the more we sit at the beach and watch them go by on weekends, the more I want to get out there too...
I have other things I want to do, but have not made concrete plans for, but I will!
There's more small things but those are some big hitters for me, I hope you all reading are doing the same and GAL!!!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Now, wanted to document what I have seen since doing these GAL activities above, as the results to me are just as important..
My self esteem house bounced back, my PMA at work has been improving, and at home. I noticed the signs below that directly point to it.
I am getting more attention from Female's at work than I am used to or, even expected at all.
There's a 28 year old girl here, who the other day told me she and some friends rented a place on the water for weekends in August, and why don't I join her for a weekend.. (I declined, but I was kind of blown away at this, who the heck could have seen that coming???)
Another knockout women that sits in the building near us and has been for about 8 months, I started to talk with more, and one day I was talking about getting some lunch with the guys, and she chimed up, "I'll get some with you IWITW." The next 3 days in a row we ate lunch together, and chatted, and have gone a few times since. She's married herself, but for a guy like me who has always been anxious and shy around women, these interactions have been a huge boost to my self esteem..
I have been making a point of when I am at work, saying hello to people, talking with them in the lunch lines, etc, and started making some new friends..
On the work front, I just got 10% overall raise this review cycle. My first thought was are you kidding me! (In a good way) a 10% raise, in this economy, and during these economic times!!!
Then, last week, my boss pulled me into a meeting, and discussed our groups organization, and that he would be accepting a raise himself, and personally asked that I be promoted to take his job!
Darn, just writing those down makes me feel good about myself, and I know that I will be ok no matter what happens in the future with my current sitch.
Also help me detach as well, but all these things take TIME to do, there's no overnight changes, and I am only at the beginning of my changes that I want to do for me.
Watch out world, there's a new IWITW in town!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Fanfreakintastic, she is wondering where the old you was, thus the checkups. Wondering about the feelings and thoughts of someone close to you often leads to intrigue.
A full day of PMA nearly knocked off the handle just by walking through the door of my own house...
W is dressed in a skimpy low cut mini summer dress, and looks just absolutely knockout gorgeous, and is reading one of her erotic novels on the couch.. I mean, any lower cut, and it would just be a pair of shorts hiked up over her chest!
I don't know exactly yet, why this bothers me so much to see her dressed like this, I understand it's fear at some level, and "I" feel that she is trying to attract a new man. Maybe she just wants to feel sexy and noticed now that she has lost a bunch of weight?
Anyone else understand why it sets my emotions off so much on the down side to see that? Insights?
doing the DB, am I supposed to keep my mouth shut, or offer at least a comment on how great she looks? Or just stay dim on it, and do my own thing?
I didn't say a word about it tonight, kept busy, and going to watch some tv. Thoughts?
I have started to try and just notice really small things to try and keep as positives. After I walked in the house, and started to talk to d8, she jumped in the conversation about them going to the beach, but having to leave early to take ss17 to Drivers Ed, and how she forgot to put it on the calender. I just listened, and asked if they made it on time, she said yes..
Is that a baby step, that she offered up some interaction first? Who knows, but i'll take it as one for now to try and offset the image of her in the dress that set me down a notch..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I keep thinking about some minor things that happened last night, but was curious to her reaction..
It seems W is pulling back more, so that's fine too. She usually leaves some dinner left for me after she has cooked for the kids as I don't get home until 7-7:30pm, she didn't last night, I just asked if they ate already, and she said yes, but just had hot dogs, and didn't cook any extra so I could cook my own and still have it hot. Ok, I didn't say anything, but I am ok with that, just the first time she's done that.
Also, I kept my PMA through the night, even after my earlier post where I was feeling anxious/hurt/fearful when I came in the house, but after putting D to bed, she was following me into our bedroom, so I jokingly turned around and said 'Say, are you following me around?' That's something I have always done, just joking around like that, but had not done in the past few months. It really was just a joke, trying to lighten things up between us, but her reaction was not to take it as a joke, she looked at me like, who the heck are you to think I would be following you around, and Huffed and said 'NO!, I am most certainly not following you around!" Ok, ok, I didn't say anything, but man, not much lightness there, eh?
She also took her clothes into the other bedroom last night to get changed in there, first time she has done that as well.
Seems like pulling back to me, even farther than where we were.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
your surviving and eventual thriving will happen only if you pay very little regard to her actions/inactions. Some regard yes but only superficially just so that if she asked you some question as almost like a test you would have been "following along with the story" enough to be able to prove that you were ..in a sense. If you catch my drift. And if you don't, don't turn yourself upside down to try and get on my wavelength ..may not be worth it.
just thought I would have that much to say. The gist of what I was saying is directly tied to striving for effective detachment. It is the only way to make it through these awful messes we have stumbled into. Detach from things earthly and attach to things not of this earth.
so there you have my gibberish. either ruminate on it and incorporate what you wish or toss it in the waste bin.
