I've been a lurker for a long, long time. On occasion I have thought about commenting to you. Tonight I will.
My journey has been 13 years. My H was transfered to another city when my D was 3. I stayed back to finish up my work. While I was juggling "our" old life, he was setting up a new life. He hired a assistant that left her small D to live with a father that she claimed was abusive. Why? Because she wanted out of the marriage so she could marry a wealth client. Yet, when her new H got cancer she left him. She was broke and needed a job. Basically, he hired her to save her and his new life became movies, dinner, and entertained clients with her. Surprise, within days as starting as his new assistant, she started to hit on my H. She propositioned him and he said he said no. In spite of all of her history, he saw the good in her and the bad in me. He wanted me to be friends with her. I said no. He saw her gesture as kind, mine as bitchy. The pattern with assistants continued for years.
For 12 years, I thought I did what was best for my D. I sped up my move to "save" my marriage. In short, I gave up my career. For 7 years I put up with one EA after another. I finally announced that my D and I were headed for home with or without him. He agreed to move closer to home.
Last year, in front of my D, my H said some very horrid things. I told him he needed to leave. Drama followed, but for the first time I stuck to my boundaries and he left.
Once out of the house, I asked him to pick times to see our D. He picked every other weekend. I begged him to add, at the very least, one day during the week for dinner. He just couldn't commit to an additional day. She refused to sleep at his new place. Again I was in the middle so I offered to leave the house on his weekends. So it was. I left every other weekend so he could take our D.
What else happened? Most nights on his way from work he offered to stop at the grocery store for me. I told him no, but for my D, I invited him for dinner. He came. He came to put the garbage out every week - his only job at the house. I told him to stop. He didn't listen. I GAL. When I came home from GAL, he was sleeping on the couch. I tried to set the boundaries. He couldn't hear.
One day my D said at dinner, "You want your cake and to eat it too! You left! Now go! You want me every other weekend, so be it! Stop coming here when it is best for you! We have moved on"
He was devastated. I was humiliated. She said what I thought. She said what I wanted to say, but didn't have the courage to say. I thought I held my tongue for her. In fact she said the truth! It was at that moment I realized I raised a great girl. She had what I failed to get. She had a sense of boundaries. He moved back home.
For 13 years our marriage has been mostly down hill. Last week at his birthday party I looked around for family -- mostly my family and not his. His friends told me what a great kid my D was. Many of the same friends noted the strong bond between my D and me. While all this marriage drama strengthened his relationship with our D, it still is lacking and I'm still in the middle. I will probably leave when she leaves for college.
