Well I never gave myself a chance but Im hppy to move over here to piecing. I had stayed away from the board for a few months as my world turned upside down. So its great to be able to move here for the next part of my journey
The following is the recap on my last thread from a few months back just to let you know where I was.
Married 8 years, together 10 years, no kids, found out recently wife has mental illness for our whole M and never let me know its extent.
Jul 02 - Left for India to work after being made redundant. Full support of wife - was supposed to come over as well once established. Lots of phone conversations, lots of ILYs from both sides.
Oct 02 - Rang up wife. She says not to call her again
11 Oct 02 (Day before my Birthday )- Legal letter, wife has left home - illegally clearing accounts, etc
Dec 02- First contact - initiated by me - Wife needs money (has spent 70000 in three months). Some hope but tied to more money, sent another 17000 over three months. Wife business in sever trouble and is about to get evicted.
Mar 03- Wife cuts contact and starts legal action again - no more money to give her. I go Dark.
Apr 03- Contact initiated by me, W lets fly with full character assisination. I go deep dark. W files for manintenance and to sell a property. Case adjouned till May. W court affidavit full of untruths (claims I abandoned her)
May 03 - W initites contact through 3rd party before court date. Wants unrealsitic property settlement. Court case proceeds, Adjourned for 3 weeks. Wife files new affidavit, even more lies that I can easlity disprove. Case proceeds wife's demands are denied although I have to pay maintenance (from where I dont know). My legal opinion is that with the money she has spent over the last 12 months and what she has taken she has no more entitlements to any marital assets.
New court date to be set for August for final property settlemnet.
For those that had seen my sitch I was about as close to Divorce as any one could get. I had not seen my wife for over a year we had probably talked to each other about four times in the previous four months, all of which ended in her hanging up the phone after various degress of yelling by her. We were living 15000kms apart. We had been to court twice and we were in the midst of what was becoming a very acrimonious property settlement.
The final court case for the property settlement was due in the end of July, which would have been my final contact prior to the formality of the Divorce itself. I had given up any chance of reconciliation with my wife months previously.
I had gone back to Australia from India for the final court case and a week before the court case I received a totally unexpected phone call from my wife requesting we meet. In myself at this stage I was not going to meet her as I believed it to be simply about money and I was sure it would end in a public slanging match. In the end I decided to meet her in a coffee shop.
So with much nervousness I remember walking to the coffee shop where I saw my wife for the first time in 14 months. I had the tough exterior on and remember I must have seemed angry to her as I pulled out my chair and I sat down with my coffee and really looked at her for that first time. We exchanged some hellos and how have you beens.
She then took me completely by surprise. She said to me that she had realised that this was not making her happy. The closer it got to the court case the more she realised how final it all was. She then looked at me and told me I was her rock and her best friend and that she did not want to loose me from her life. As she was saying this she stared to cry that real painful cry that you can tell comes from the heart and I can remember her hands shaking uncontrollable.
She said that she didnt know what would happen between us but did I want to give things another go. With all of those defences I had built up over the last year it was amazing the feelings that just came to the surface. At that point I realised that I still loved this woman and that whatever had happened and all the pain from the last year seemed so small compared to the look of her and the absolute honesty I saw on her face at that time. But to say I was in shock at all this was an understatement. I remember saying to her that there is a lot we have to think of and that I couldnt give her an answer straight away. We agreed to meet again that night for dinner and we parted after about an hour. I havent felt so emotionally drained for such a long time. We met up for dinner that night and she showed up with an apprehension and asked me what my decision was. I said lets give it a go. I remember having a dinner like old times, there were tears and laughter on both sides. That night I saw my dogs for the first time and it was like I had never been away. That night we just sat together and held each other for most of the night.
So that's were I have been for these last 10 or so weeks. There have been ups and downs, real periods of utter closeness and some arguments but we continue to work through things. It is not easy as there are still things below the surface that we need to work on but there are also improvements.
So where am I today. Well I am back in India with my business and my wife is in Australia. We talk to each other twice every day and we are getting there. My wife was going to come to India in October but now with the bomb blasts this is on hold.
The company here is about to start. We have sold half of it and will be operating in the next couple of months. I have a large financial mess at home to fix up and I need this to work over here to get this fixed up, but what happens in the end will happen. If it works I can look forward to a very comfortable life in the future, but these things are always a gamble.
So what have I learnt through all this. I guess I have a bit of an insight into the thinking of the WAS. But from myself I over analysed far too much, I read the wrong things into situations. Definitely dont believe everything the WAS says and boy they do remember and take notice of things that we never would have believed they would. I remember in November last year sending my wife some flowers. When I walked in her house that first night there they were dried and sitting by her bed. I asked her why she kept them and she said 'because they were from you'. Also I was amazed that how some of her friends that I had assumed were enabling her were actually telling her to give the marriage another go. Her friends that I met together with her all said that they havent seen my wife this happy for a long time. Also there are definitely two sides to every story.
In the end I read the posts here and I see people in the state of surety that there marriage is over. All I can say is that mine went to the very brink and I had no hope but it has been given another chance. Whatever success I had came when I had given up on my marriage and I had no expectations of it coming back and I was looking after myself.
Will my marriage work, I dont know but I remember eight years ago I did say 'In Sickness and in health, for better for worse' and well I guess while there is a chance I need to give it a go. If it doesnt work I know I will survive, if it does work well I have got my best friend back and that was what I had missed the most.
I am seeing mnore psoitive moves everyday. She now talks with we all the time and she ends a phone conversation with ILY. We still do fight and it is hard being so far away. But now after the fights (fairly rare) we work the issue out straight away.
I have to learn to not be clingy and I am having suucess with this. I am getting my trust back in her. She did say after an arguement we had on the phone that'just because we disagree doesnt mean we are going to split up - I am your wife you know'. These were great words to here after the dramas of the last year where I was the worst peron on the face of the earth apparantly.
Anyway it is great to be here, I never thought I would. I just have to keep remembering mot to fall back into old patterns. I am realising my changes are now just a part of me and she does notice them.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
I think wow says it all. It truely was the last thing I expected. I think looking back the 'moving on' was the main thing. There were absolutely no expectations that this was going to happen.
As I found out the funny thing is that she had been trying to get in contact with me for a couple of weeks before she did, but I wasnt answering my phone when the call came from Australia - just didnt want any more heartache. She actually had to do some work when I got back to Australia as I was staying at a friends place which she didnt have the number to - so she had to do a fiar bit of tracking me down.
It is hard being seperated by so much doistance. To be honest I had a hard time for the first couple of weeks back here in India but I am getting back inot the swing of things. Anyway I am going back to Australia in four weeks so that gives me something to look forward to.
Thanks so much for your post.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Actually just after a bit of advice and also want to get some thoughts down.
I had a really good interaction with my wife today, we talked for nearly an hour on the phone. Really up beat and happy. She had left the house when I was in India and I had to get it rented out, we cant get back into it until Feb next year and my wife has to be out of the house she is currently in two weeks. So after much looking she has found another one that will take pets and will give a short term lease, so this is all good and she will be back in our dream house early next year .
Anyways one of major issues was always her desire for some financial independance in the marriage, I was always the worker and while she had a few part time jobs she always saw me as controlling her through money. I never thought I did but I repsect her thoughts in this regard amd am working on this. Through our court cases, disputes over property became very very acrimonious.
In the last year before we seperated she started a business in which I had put a substantial amount of money. She has just got an investor to inject a substantial amount of money into this. Today she asked me if I will sign a document that would never allow me to make a claim on this company in the future. She told me that she just wants this so that she can be 'independant'.
To an extent I understand this and respect this but in me there is a little bit if a red flag about why she is doing it. I guess this bring back some bad moments through the property settlement days - like oif this is forever why does she want me to sign this document.
I am thinking of approaching this with her tomorrow and maybe saying that I will sign it once the comany has paid back the money that was invested in it. Also should I ask her to sign the same docs for my business and propery - aagghh.
Anyway Im going to sleep on this tonight and see what I feel like in the morning.
Thanks for listening, any thoughts welcome.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
In the end forgiveness didnt really need to come into it. There was no critical point that I said to myself - I forgive you. We just got comfortable with each other again. Saying that I do get some bad flash backs at times, oh well better then where I was a few months ago.
She is getting treatment and things seem to be going well here. It is hard being so far away but I am getting back in the swing of things here.
Great to hear from you again.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Yep it has been a while but sure good to be in this part of the board although there is still much work to do. Its good being able to give the hope to people, I remember how much I wanted it in my worst periods of last year.
I wish I could people advice on something great that I did, some wild flash of brilliance. But there wasnt. In the end my wife had to realise what she was leaving behind that the divorce was not going to make her happy and for me I was happy that this happened when it did.
Ahh Dark - I actually chat to him most days - we Aussies have to stick together.
Many thanks for the post.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
