Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Haven't written in eons here. It's been busy, with incredible stress within my career that is getting really out of hand. Although I swore the last person I wanted to ever see again was an attorney, I may have to get them involved. It sucks, and the worst part is, I think because my H is not here to help me with this stuff, and is in fact ADDING significantly to my stress because of the D, I have almost completely fallen OUT of love with him because he's let me down so badly. Now, when I need him the most, and I'm fighting on so many fronts (Unemployment compensation, still not getting any, my career, this D) and he isn't helping me at all. It's making me really angry, which I think is very helpful at this stage of the game, because he is letting me down big time.

In fact, he hasn't given me a dime for months and months...I think in Early April was the last time, so I'm surviving on Air and my tax refund check (gone) and that's it. True, he's buying some groceries, but nothing I'm asking for, and he refuses to buy milk or meat, because he's a vegatarian. And he knows that I have zero money, and am not getting unemployment, and cannot do my job, so that's the worst part, yet he feels he's "supporting me". What BS.

He's also completely refusing to listen to reason about the whole D thing, and has decided that both mediation and collaborative divorce aren't going to happen, although they could be much faster and quicker and much cheaper than a full court divorce. We could be done in 2 months with the first two types, and it will take 8-12 months MORE for the court divorce, plus cost 3x as much. My point is that we haven't been married all that long, if he's refusing to go to MC and refusing to go to the Imago Therapy weekend couples workshop, or heck, even to TALK to me, STILL at this point, there is little to no chance of reconcilation, so I'd rather get out faster and cheaper than wait 8-12 months more. I've already had 4 months of silence and being ignored, and I'm damn sick of it. If he doesn't want to work on this marriage, I want to get out of it, and it seems like whatever I want he wants the opposite!

So, I'm stopping from this point forward talking about the D at all or the rlsp. I should have anyways, but I was hoping he would consent to something, anything at this point. I am also hoping that the first hearing that we have coming up at the end of this month will give him a preview of what's to come should he continue with his denial of the facts of the matter in this case because I'm pretty sure that they will award me maintence now, in the period before the divorce is final, and that's the big point of contention between us. Since he thinks he is already "supporting me", he doesn't want to have to pay me anything extra at all. If he sees that this is NOT going to go the way his podunk attorney has been telling him it would, maybe he'll reconsider everything. In the meantime, I will continue doing the LRT and try to keep calm during this especially stressful week as far as work goes.

I will try to get on the ellipical and workout as much as possible during this time so that I can vent there (and here!) instead of losing my cool with my H. I did lose it with him yesterday because I was under so much work stress and he still hasn't responded to my emails about considering Collab D or my proposal that I submitted to him 20 days ago (that he asked for, btw), and my grandmother was blaming me for not knowing him well enough when we got married so this is all my fault, so I blew a gasket and yelled a bit.

I didn't get super nasty, by any means, but it was still not cool. It annoyed me more when he pulled his drama queen bs and answered in a light whispery voice yet again. I'm so sick of this drama. That's one reason I married him, was to get away from the drama...duh! He seemed straight forward when we were dating...he said he'd call, he did, we made plans, he showed up, we had fun, made more plans, etc.

I am not really dating people, but I am seeing an ex bf I'm calling Gizmo here. We went to a baseball game last weekend and then to dinner with my folks, and he had such a good time that he said he "didn't want the night to end"! It didn't hurt matters that during our family dinner, my sister announced she is pregnant, which is big happy news for our family and hers! So it was much to my dismay when he called the next day telling me that he cannot come and be my date to the wedding that's coming up in a mere matter of days now. Once again, he's freaking out because I'm married and he thinks it's improper that he be "seen out" with me. I find this hilariaous because he goes out in public looking like an absolute hobo most of the time, unshaved, hair askew, wearing dirtish too long jean shorts and black socks with his tennis shoes...ugh! I really don't think people would question us, but I think they might question him overall were they to see him as he truly appears! He is incredibly handsome when he shaves and wears decent clothes, but that seems like it only happens during work days. Obviously he needs some major help in the fashion department.

I do not think helping someone in this area constitutes major changing of the sort that I'm trying to avoid, like changing someones personality, for example. I don't want to do that, I just want to help him pick better selections for casual wear. The good news is that he already has asked me once about a shirt he wore over my folks place. He just didn't ask me about the other stuff, so I didn't comment on it. I just try to really positively comment when there is something he is wearing that I like. If and when we become more than just casual going out and about to places, I will take the advice of my good friend and point out things like "a lot of guys seem to wear those short, white socks, don't they?" to try to nudge him in the direction of being aware of these little things. I'm not too worried about it at the time. Like I said, all I want from him now is a little companionship and time away from the house to forget my troubles for a little bit, and he definatley gives me that when we hang out.

I will just wait out Giz's little freakout once again, until he calls me, and see what happens in the meantime. I've got plenty on my plate right now anyways to deal with this work stuff...agh! Thankfully, it will be done soon, I hope.

I went in to the doctor last week and found that I've gained 25 pounds since February. She says that I need to lose weight, but to do so, probably have to eliminate or combat this day to day stress head on by moving out of this stressful situation and working out every day. She also said that most likely, this new medication I've been taking since Feb has resulted in most of the weight gain. All the more reason to stop it once we get this divorce DONE with and me moving on with life.

Got to go, it's late and I've been wanting a nap all day. Now that the stress aderenlin has worn off, I'm wiped out.

Ta!