WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I think now you just need to really back off. Let her figure this out, let her come to you.

She is very confused and she has to figure this out. You have made it clear what you want, so maybe now when you pull back and only deal with her as it relates to the boys and other logistical stuff, that'll be the final straw to wake her butt up that there really could be a life without you.....and how much it would suck.

When I was in school, there was a name for girls who did what your W has done to you. However, as a "wife", I think that makes it even worse to tease a man, knowing perfectly well what she's doing and that she has no intentions of going through with it. Have some self-respect and don't fall for her little teasing sex games when she pulls her clothes off except for her panties. You should have thrown those in her face and told her to get out b/c you didn't want her a$$. The sad thing is....she knows you do! Therefore, she can work you around her little finger and make a fool out of you.

we have beeen pretty much saying the same thing, how can a woman be attracted to a man that she can have anytime... she can even walk all over him, tell him she does not love him anymore, move out, pretty much do what ever she wants and she can still have him...I just do not see this working until that part is turned around.

I've really been thinking about what the three of you wrote about our Sunday evening encouters. It really gets me confused as she does one thing but then says something else. I guess my question is can a woman/WAW, really do things like my wife did the last couple of weekends, if she really doesn't have any feelings for me? That is one of the things that my wife keeps saying, that she doesn't feel that way about me anymore.

So I've really been trying to figure out how to "attract" her back.

I know her primary love languages are "Quality Time", "Touch" and "Words" (all 3 scored within 2 points of each other).

I don't think the jealousy route will really work as her dad cheated on her mom, and left the family for another woman.

This is really a tough one.....

[Tomato]

hi cip

"not feeling that way about you any more" is a far cry from not having any feelings for you or about you. in case you were thinking other than that ..don't.

the brief connotation that I (in knee-jerk fashion) gather from what seems to be her sentiments is that it almost sounds like she definetely has feelings for you (and it is surely only natural that she would with time and a family history of all kinds of experiences ..joyous and other wise) and that the feelings she has for you she would love to be able to have escalated but is having a really hard time achieving the escalation of the feelings she does have.

[Tomato]

on the "this is a really tough one" .. i will say that I can relate and leave it at that.

Ted

[Steve McQueen]

how can a woman be attracted to a man that she can have anytime...

ummmmm..... isn't this way you get married

[PMA_Baby!]

C - I really dont know what to say anymore. "It really gets you confused???"..... I'm confused why you are not doing the things we have been asking you to do for the last 8 mons.

My friend is having the same issues. He has been going through the same crap for the last 6 mons. really more like 2.5 yrs Been seperated then came back together. Now seperated again. She's pushing for the divorce. I showed him how to DB. Be nice. Not mean. Be mysterious. GAL/PMA. She says she's done. No hope. Can't live with him. Well, then he goes over there 2 weeks ago to drop off the boys. He's getting stuff off their computer then he starts flirting with her and they hook up. Next day she is saying it was a big mistake. Doesnt want to give him wrong message. blah blah. He takes my advice and responds "ok thanks" . No whining, begging for another chance, nada...

He continues GAL. Making new friends, new hobbies. Only calls about the boys. Well Sunday night he's over there again dropping off the boys after his weekend. He is again messing around on the computer and she comes in the room and lays on the bed. He offers a massage and bam. end of sleeping together. Next day she once again has to take back control by telling him that they cant to that again anymore. Sending kids wrong message blah blah. *BTW I told him next time. He should kiss her and then leave. BE THE ONE TO LEAVE OR HANG UP. Very important!!!

Bottomline is. He is doing everything right and it's working. He has dropped the rope. Doesnt talk to her about anything other then the boys. Has his own life. Own "new" attitude I want you in my life but dont need you. Has created mystery. Doesnt "pine" doesnt "react emotionally" when she says she is done. Cant do this.... blah blah.

They have been to court for the last 2.5 years. Since she filed. Been fighting over custody. He keeps dragging it out. They would be divorced if not for him dragging his feet. "Standing" for his family.

Bottonline. You have NOT dropped the rope. You are still there for her whenever she NEEDS you. Until you are not she will not "chase" you.

What you're doing has NOT been working. Will NOT work. Well let me rephrase that. If you want to just be friends and co-parents then keep doing it. She has NOT been forced to take RESPONSIBILTY. My friends WAW will start saying "you are the reason I am doing this... I cant live with you... You did this and that.. blah blah... Before he would get pissed and react or say im sorry I screwed up..lets try again... blah. Now he just says "I have already apologized for the things I did before. Those things are in the past and I WILL NOT talk about them anymore. I'm living in the present. If you want to dwell on the past the is YOUR problem." That is the only reason she is starting to realize she has a part in this. That is the only reason your WAW will ever consider being with you again.

Stop being her girlfriend. Keep on standing for your M. Dont be her shoulder to cry on or her massage buddy. Demand she respect you. Demand that she takes her responsibilty. Do it with actions. No calls other then the boys. No dates. Be mysterious. Happy. Respectful. Nice... blah. You know what you need to do, but still think that you can CONVINCE her to come back by being nice or a "changed man", blah. They see right through it. It hasn't worked. It's not working. If she did sleep with you do you think she wouldnt pull back the next day. She knows she has you wrapped around her finger. She knows that she can pull your strings whenever she needs support. She knows that she can justify her actions by punishing you for the past. Until you take all that away she will NEVER give you another shot.

Like Puppy, 25, Sandi and others on this board. We have NEVER seen a WAS come back UNTIL the other person DROPS THE ROPE and becomes the WAS. In some cases maybe if the WAS wasn't truly commited to leaving. But...

Stop the insanity!!!

PMA

[Stronger]

[/quote]
I guess my question is can a woman/WAW, really do things like my wife did the last couple of weekends, if she really doesn't have any feelings for me? That is one of the things that my wife keeps saying, that she doesn't feel that way about me anymore.

So I've really been trying to figure out how to "attract" her back.

I know her primary love languages are "Quality Time", "Touch" and "Words" (all 3 scored within 2 points of each other).

I don't think the jealousy route will really work as her dad cheated on her mom, and left the family for another woman.

[/quote]

I would never be able to touch or kiss a man I wasn't physically attracted to. I will never ML with a man I don't truly love and care about. That's where I've always been in life....so my answer is no. But there are people who can do this....for some reason, I do believe when it comes to physical contact, your wife if like me.

I think it's time to back off, to really detach and bring it back to basics....meaning, you can only talk to her about logistical stuff. Maybe cut back on what you do together. And the next time she starts up with the flirting and the taking off some clothes, stop her before it begins with this: "Please dont' bother with just frustrating me. I love kissing you, it's wonderful, but you don't stop there. You take it just far enough to frustrate me and that's just mean." See where that gets you.

I think some more absence is going to make her heart grow fonder of you.

There are times when you change the game plan. First reason, what you're doing is working and it never did. Second reason, what you've done has worked, but it's now played out and now it's time to revamp, improve the game plan to get to the next level. I think you're now in the second reason category. I think what you've done has gotten you to this point, but now it's time to finish this separation off and end it with you two reconciling.

I think you can do this.

[MrBond]

Okay, again, your W is weird.

You've got to control your physical needs so you don't keep handing her control. Let you control your d*ck, not her.

This is like the 3rd time this has happened and the 2nd in like 2 weeks. And you get the same response every time.

She's teasing you and enjoys the control. Sure she may be a little "attracted" to you, but let's face it. If she was honest about it, why stop you when you are about to go farther. Why start bringing up the "hurt" again when she's half undressed? In a way she's punishing you for her perceived "hurt".

Detach and start staying away from her a bit. Stop talking to her so much. You are starting to look more and more like a crutch each time.

[theroadback]

The physical stuff is very strange. My opinion is that its needs to be stopped by you. Stopped without making her feel rejected but also without any hint of pursuit. I am thinking something very light.
Maybe just stop, or stop her, smile, say nothing and change the subject.

I guess the goal would be to leave her wondering if she can have you in that way or not.

[Stronger]

Yeah, CIPA shut her down on the 8th grade hook ups. That's just not fair to you.

But I think part of her does want to work this out but she's still got some anger issues. And she takes that opportunity when you're not only emotionally vulnerable, but partially naked to hit you in the head with it. That sucks. But you can take control back.

[confusedinpa]

Now he just says "I have already apologized for the things I did before. Those things are in the past and I WILL NOT talk about them anymore. I'm living in the present. If you want to dwell on the past the is YOUR problem."

PMA_Baby!

I have actually been saying the first line of the statement but I think the last half is an important one to start adding. Thanks for that insight.

I am seeing some glimpses of my wife thinking about her part. It has come up a couple of times recently how when she says somethings, it really isn't as clear as she had thought. Unfortunately, I think she is reading the book "Science of Success" and "The Secret" which is not the help/focus that she needs.

There is nothing I can do about that.

Stop being her girlfriend. Keep on standing for your M. Dont be her shoulder to cry on or her massage buddy. Demand she respect you. Demand that she takes her responsibilty. Do it with actions. No calls other then the boys. No dates. Be mysterious. Happy. Respectful. Nice... blah. You know what you need to do, but still think that you can CONVINCE her to come back by being nice or a "changed man", blah. They see right through it. It hasn't worked. It's not working.

That was actually another new thing that she had said last weekend. Shortly after she dropped the bomb, she had said that she didn't respect me. Last weekend, she said that she really does respect me, but then of course she transitioned into how she didn't love me anymore.

Like Puppy, 25, Sandi and others on this board. We have NEVER seen a WAS come back UNTIL the other person DROPS THE ROPE and becomes the WAS. In some cases maybe if the WAS wasn't truly commited to leaving. But...

Tonite, she had actually text me ("Did you hear that???"). Fortunately I was on a work call so I didn't respond ("What was that?") till an hour later as her text made no sense. She responded about some more problems she was having with her dryer. I just replied "Oh" and left it at that. In the past, I would have used it as an excuse to call her, but really wasn't in the mood to hear her complaining tonite. Maybe I'm detaching or just getting tired of it, or what.....

I do hear what you are all telling me. I do try but when I see her, it all goes out the window.

Even tonite, she text me earlier about how she got blocked in at my 7 year old's soccer game by the ice cream truck. I just replied back to let me know when I can say goodnite to the boys.

When I was done saying goodnite to the boys, she got on the phone and started asking when I would come home on Thurs. I just told her I wasn't sure, but would there before the soccer game and said goodbye.

I did talk to the boys tonite - it sounded like my 7 year old had a great soccer game (3 assist, 1 goal and 5 blocked goals). My 3 year old had fun with another younger kid, but then appologized for not taking any pictures for me. He did say he would draw one at school the next day so I could hang it in my office.