WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[The Wifey]

I did wind up talking to my wife later that nite.

She talked about how my 7 year old really had a hard time on Sunday nite. She said he asked her if she was looking for a new husband.

I was really shocked/surprised that my 7 year old asked something like that.

She said she told him no that she and daddy were still working on somethings.

Perhaps it was wrong but I then asked if that was really true because if we were working on somethings, I should know.

It was wrong.

Everything that followed was because you asked. Let it flow, let it go. Let it be natural. Don't ask, don't push, because it has to happen slowly.

Be her friend right now. Just be her friend.

[Stronger]

I agree it was wrong, but honestly, I would have asked the same freaking question.

And she back tracked like crazy....said bs to keep her control over the situation.

I think she's very unsure now but believes MAYBE you and she can work this out. But she's not going to pull that trigger yet.....and really, you don't want her to tell you yes, just to have her back out. And really, in her mind, like my H's, I believe they are working on it and there's less pressure to work on it and not officially announce it.....know what I mean?

[confusedinpa]

I think she's very unsure now but believes MAYBE you and she can work this out. But she's not going to pull that trigger yet.....and really, you don't want her to tell you yes, just to have her back out. And really, in her mind, like my H's, I believe they are working on it and there's less pressure to work on it and not officially announce it.....know what I mean?

Almostdonebut...

I really hope you are right but I really am not optimistic. I'm not giving up hope nor am I being negative/down about this. Just trying to be realistic and temper any further hurt

I am actually more worried about how my boys are doing with this roller coaster ride of a situation. It seems like my wife is concerned about it to the point of trying to make up excuses to minimize the impact to the boys. I don't buy into her BS on it, but the fact that she is trying to lie to herself, me and the boys about it, must mean its on her mind.

Right now she says she is so done, but I do see how her actions either are conflicting to what she says or she is doing to try and hurt me or she is trying to maintain "control" or she is just trying to be "nice" or ?????

I really don't know. I don't obsess or try to mind read. I did wind up asking her yesterday as I didn't want to guess nor over-react to what she said.

I know she is working on something. What I just have no idea....

[sandi2]

When I was in school, there was a name for girls who did what your W has done to you. However, as a "wife", I think that makes it even worse to tease a man, knowing perfectly well what she's doing and that she has no intentions of going through with it. Have some self-respect and don't fall for her little teasing sex games when she pulls her clothes off except for her panties. You should have thrown those in her face and told her to get out b/c you didn't want her a$$. The sad thing is....she knows you do! Therefore, she can work you around her little finger and make a fool out of you.

[Stronger]

I think now you just need to really back off. Let her figure this out, let her come to you.

She is very confused and she has to figure this out. You have made it clear what you want, so maybe now when you pull back and only deal with her as it relates to the boys and other logistical stuff, that'll be the final straw to wake her butt up that there really could be a life without you.....and how much it would suck.

[theroadback]

we have beeen pretty much saying the same thing, how can a woman be attracted to a man that she can have anytime... she can even walk all over him, tell him she does not love him anymore, move out, pretty much do what ever she wants and she can still have him...I just do not see this working until that part is turned around.

[Stronger]

we have beeen pretty much saying the same thing, how can a woman be attracted to a man that she can have anytime... she can even walk all over him, tell him she does not love him anymore, move out, pretty much do what ever she wants and she can still have him...I just do not see this working until that part is turned around.

Well, we often remind each other we can't figure out what they are thinking....so that has to apply across the board....so we can't assume she thinks or feels that way.

Her actions are ones that seem to be coming from a very confused woman. And I think at this point, confused is better than sure she wants a divorce. I think CIPA has been doing a great job, all things considered. Yeah, he's asked some stupid questions....I did it this morning, so I recognize them, but sometimes, in the moment, it might not have been a stupid question, it might have been the exact perfect time to ask it. Who knows?

Stay strong CIPA.....I hope you are enjoying the job. I know you're excited to be with the boys this weekend. Enjoy every second.

[sandi2]

confusedinpa, how are you doing by now? Haven't heard from you in several days.

[confusedinpa]

confusedinpa, how are you doing by now? Haven't heard from you in several days.

Sandi,

Thanks for checking in on me again.

Last week was my first week in my new job and routine. During that first week, I did call my boys every nite and made it back in time to have dinner on Thurs before the soccer game. The 4 of us (both my boys and my wife).

She had called while I was driving back as she was still doing battle with her computer. She started complaining about how stressful/upsetting her week was. I tried to listen and be supportive but after a short while, I told her that it has been a rough week for both of us. Since I was getting home so early (2PM), I suggested we pick up the boys and grab a dinner and a couple of drinks before we go to soccer. I told her that we should use that time to relax and not think about her computer, work or anything like that.

We had a good dinner and finished a bucket of beer (6 bottles) before we went out to the soccer game. We had fun as we joked and laughed about various things. We went to soccer and I coached as she and my 3 year old watched. I could see she wasn't enjoying herself as it was very hot, humid and muggy. I tried to stay upbeat and positive and not let it bother me. At the end of the game, she was so miserable, she quickly sad goodbye to the boys and got into her SUV and drove away without saying goodbye to me. I just shrugged it off, although, my 7 year old asked why mommy didn't say goodbye to me.

On Friday, I kept both the boys home with me and we had a great day together. They were both very excited to be home again. We went to the park and played baseball and then went bowling later that nite. Friday nite, my wife text me saying she had lost track of time and missed talking to the boys. She asked how my 7 year old was doing (he had a fever on Weds). I just text her back that they were fine.

On Sat, we ran spent most of the morning at home where the boys helped me dust and vacuum. We did wind up playing soccer outside before lunch though. In the afternoon, we played outside with the water slide and cooked out for dinner. She wound up calling the boys around dinner. My 3 year old asked her again why she wasn't answering the phone when they called. She just danced around the question again.

I called her later that evening, after the kids went to bed, to find out if she was going to pick them up when they woke up like she normally did. She was out with one of her girlfriends so we chatted really briefly. She said that if I wanted to spend more time with them, she would wait till dinner. I asked if she wanted to have dinner with us, she said sure.

It was rainy on Sunday morning, but since it was the first Sunday I had them since she moved out, I took that chance to take them to church with me after breakfast. They both did a good job. My 3 year old really likes "talking about Jesus" and my 7 year old seemed a little sad as the last time we had gone, it was the 4 of us right before she moved out.

After church, we had lunch and we continued to play indoors as it was still raining. Around 5PM, I called my wife to let her know that I wanted to have dinner at 6PM so I could leave before 9PM (it's a 3 hour drive and I need to be at work around 7AM). She showed up just before 7PM and said that the resturant was slow in getting the food ready (very unusual as they are usually very quick). She had brought over a bottle of wine and was wearing a really tight white polo shirt whose buttons kept popping open. After a little bit of her wine, she stopped fixing them and was playful like last week.

During dinner, my 7 year old was taking pictures with my phone. I was helping my 3 year old when my phone rang. I looked up and before I could grab the phone, he handed it to my wife. She noticed a girl's name came up on the caller id of my cell phone and just said it was so and so calling. I know she doesn't recognize my friend's name as they had never met but I could tell she was curious. I didn't offer anything as she didn't ask.

After dinner, we finished the wine as we watched the kids play. She layed on me (her back to my front between my legs) as we rested on a couple of bean bags. Around 8PM, she asked if I wanted her to help me fold my dress cloths to pack. I accepted. We went upstairs as the boys watched TV. After she folded my cloths, we wound up hugging a bit and kissed lightly. Then when I was rubbing her back, I lifted up her shirt and took off her bra. We kissed for a bit before and unbottoned the top of her shorts. Then she said that was all that she was comfortable with.

Then it got crazy where she started saying she didn't even want to kiss me but didn't want to hurt my feelings. She then started saying how she would wish she wouldn't have to go to bed by herself, like she felt she did when we were married (she would go to bed by 9PM after we put the kids to bed and I would stay up for a couple of hours working). I told her that she didn't have to if she wanted to give us another chance. That's when she said she doesn't feel that way about me anymore as, while she really respects me, she just can't get over how hurt she was with the past.

I didn't let her suck me into that discussion again, and just did a "Feelings come and go and can change" and shrugged as I continued to pack. Then we heard the boys coming so she hurried into the bathroom to get dressed.

When she was leaving with the boys, my 7 year old really had a hard time again. He said he really wished that I didn't have to go on my trip (that's what we call the work week, like when I used to travel to Europe and Asia for business, just now it's only 200 miles away). He then said he wished that the 3 of them could just stay home if I had to go on my trip.

I just told him that was what I wished to. He said that he will continue to hope and pray that it will come true some day. I told him that I will do the same, but if even if I doesn't, I will always be his dad and love him always. I told him that I will try to get him a computer so that we can talk and see each other on the computer. He seemed excited about that but was still sad.

It was really sad as we both started to tear up when my wife walked in. I told my son that it was ok to be sad and cry as daddy gets sad about it too at times.

My wife text me later that nite asking if I made it there ok. I text her when I got to my hotel at 1AM.

Today, my wife sent me a couple of tactical emails and then a picture of my 3 year tracing his name out on a piece of paper. It was very cool. When I called my boys tonite, they were both very excited to talk to me, but I could also tell that they were tired from the long weekend we had together.

Later tonite, my wife called stressing about her computer again and was all agitated about it. I listened and tried to be supportive. Then we just started talking about her work and my new job and just various other chit chatty type of things. We talked for almost about an hour before I started getting tired (as did she).

So, that's how it has been going on. Nothing new to report. I do think my wife is wondering who the girl was that called on Sunday. I'm going to let her continue to wonder until she asks.

Hope all is going well with you Sandi and that your health is improving.

[confusedinpa]

Stay strong CIPA.....I hope you are enjoying the job. I know you're excited to be with the boys this weekend. Enjoy every second.

Thanks almostdonebut... I certainly had a great weekend with my boys. There were some tough times when they acted up, but that is part of the dad/sons experience!

Thanks for all your support and insight.