He initiated a hug in the sitch where he said OW's name,
Huh???? What about this? He called the OW's name while he was giving you a hug? I kind of think that would void all those other "goals" that he was not so graciously doing!!
Dia, I really like you girl! I see you as being a real sweetheart here--and so many people on the board adore you. I see you as being bright, sharp, wise, and with much humor. Did I say smart? I have hesitated to say something to you b/c I like you so much and b/c I am going to sound like a very “bad guy” when I tell you this. I do not want to pull you down, but hope in telling you this it will give you a determination to guard against it and work to show your spunk in your R with your H. I probably did not say that in a very good way, but anyway here’s the thing…I am concerned that you may come across as being “needy” to your H. You seem so strong in everything else, but I think b/c your LL is physical affection that it may almost be your downfall in this respect. I have seen a common similarity in people whose LL is physical affection and it is rather amazing to me and I suppose that is b/c my LL is NOT physical affection. The people I know personally whose LL is physical affection all seem to have this same trait or quality, or something…..that I don’t know how to put into words. I wish I did. Nevertheless, I can see it in your writings. That is why I wonder if your H sees you as pursuing. I think a person whose LL is the same as yours can come across as almost smothering at times. Oh, this sounds awful and I do not mean to offend you at all, I hope you believe that. I just don’t know a good way to say this.
You truly seem to be such a loving person and I wished I was more like you. I really do! You see, I know myself well enough to know that if my H ever acted as if he did not want to be near me….that would probably be the last he ever saw or heard from me again! That is just the way I am….which is not to say it is a good way to be (not at all)! When I read some posts here from other women, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Do I not love as much as these other women? When I examine my heart I know that I do love as much as others, but we all have different traits about us. I say “traits” b/c I don’t know what word to use. I believe the reason I am the way I am is b/c of my mother’s influence in raising me….however, my sister is just like you….so go figure! (lol) I have watched my sister in amazement and wondered why on earth she put up with what she did in her H and why she did not kick him to the curb…but that is another story.
I will probably be sorry for sending this post b/c it is not sounding like I wished it would. But know that I meant is well. I hope in setting your goals that you will work toward not showing your H any more words of love or concern for him (at this time) b/c it truly does push a WAS further away. Your have told him how you feel and now you need to wait on him to make a move to discuss his feelings or to talk about the R. You do not need to do anything to try to “help” him in his pain. I see you as a person who wants to fix things (and that I can identify with) but you cannot fix him. The hardest thing for you will be to wait on him. Your temptation will be your great “need” for his closeness.
I will tell you this and hope it will be encouraging. There was a young man who was on the board here and his stitch looked very bad. However, he kept applying the DB techniques and his M was saved. (I suppose I felt blessed for investing some time with his stitch an d seeing a great outcome.) He left the board a happy H and a new daddy! His stitch proved that the DB principles will work in saving a M, but it does take a lot of patient and “time”. Don’t give up b/c I believe in time that your H will draw near to you. Every time he sees you (even just for a minute) he will see the girl he fell in love with and be reminded of how much he misses you. You can let him see that girl he fell in love with by working toward being “her” again. I think we lose that somewhere down the road and it’s rather hard to get it back….but not impossible. I can tell you that trying to remember how I was at 18 is a far cry from what I am today….(lol) and I doubt my H wants me to be totally like I was at 18, but the part he fell in love with is who he wants to see. Does that make sense? I hope so.
Anyway, that was what I wanted to tell you and I hope it doesn’t hurt too much. You are very intelligent and I feel that you know in your heart what you need to work on in this R. You can do it Dia….I know you can. You have so much to give and you are such a spirited person that it makes people feel good to be around you. I can tell that by reading what you have to say. I wish I had the qualities that you have! Your H knows he would be crazy to let somebody like you slip through his fingers! Just give him time to work this all out. You focus on you and your child and make a life for yourself, okay?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
