yes, it is very good. And i hope someday we will get back together, of course, but the side effects, of liking my choices, of just honoring my wife and kids, of respecting them and not being hurtful nor critical, of good communication, they are great in and of themselves.
M/30s WAW/30s 4 children S 1 yr LS 8 months OM / just a friend 1 1/2 YR D 1 month
I agree that he is not treating her as a friend should. He seems to have stepped in to where I should be. Hopefully things will change when I get laid off and move up to live near them. I can stop being present in their lives (kids) often if not daily. Maybe being there will encourage him to pack his bags and find another corner of the country to live.
M/30s WAW/30s 4 children S 1 yr LS 8 months OM / just a friend 1 1/2 YR D 1 month
What is your relationship with her family like? He seemed to have wormed his way in rather easy!! When a married family member brings in another man to their family home....it should have raised eyebrows!!!
As I look at my friendships I can see how I spend time with a friend who happens to be a female. Her and i talked a bit, more her than I. I can see how my wife spent time talking to her OM. I think there was an EA between them. it is quite possible that other than one PA occurance, that they are just frineds. I am not having an EA with my friend, and I ak keeping it that way. She is having problems with her husband. She likes to vent to me. But I don't get too close. I feel quite lonely, and I don't have much opportunity to vent, to express my feelings.
Anyway, she must have been feeling a bit like I feel,when I was distant and put less attention on my wife andmore on others. She wrote some poetry on lonliness. She chatted online with others, even some guys who wanted to talk sexual with her.
So, her OM, might be less a threat, especially as I continue to grow and she likes my changes. Anoter good thing, she and the boys are moviny again. This time several hours away from her sister and OM. Hopefully OM will stay there. And I am looking for a job in the new city. Luckily, the new city is only a few hours away from my friends and family.
So hopefullly this change will be good for us all.
M/30s WAW/30s 4 children S 1 yr LS 8 months OM / just a friend 1 1/2 YR D 1 month
I was like your W who had been involved with the on-line activity with other men. It is a terrible, terrible addiction! I finally stopped chatting with several men b/c my H found out, then it went to one man and I had an EA with that man.
What I have read from your posts remind me of some movies I have seen where a preditor moves in on an entire family and they are too blind to see the real motives until it's too late.
Quote:
Maybe being there will encourage him to pack his bags and find another corner of the country to live.
I don't get your passive thinking where this guy is concerned. First of all, you should have put your foot down at the very on-set of him entering her life. When you discovered that they had had a PA....did you not see red flags flying everywhere? You don't let a stranger enter your family's life and be around your children like that. He's around your W, the kids, and now grandparents? You need to get your eyes open, mister, and quickly! Don't be a fool. The longer you are away and out of the picture, the more this guy is taking your family as his own.
I don't know how old you are. You have mentioned growing up and making changes. She must be either pulling the wool over your eyes and has you right where she wants you or else she is as naive as you are.
I pray to God he is not a "dangerous" man, but you know nothing about him. And he is there with your children!! You don't know what he may be exposing them to!
Even if he isn't a child molester or would harm any of them physically, sexually, or mentally....and let's say he is okay in that area......he's still moving in on your W. I could talk for hours in the different ways he could abuse her, but I won't. Let's say that he isn't like that and he seems to be a pretty nice guy ( ). He is giving your W all she is suppose to be getting from a H. DO YOU GET THAT??? Why in the name of God would you sit on your a$$ and allow another man to move into your family's life and you sit where you are and say, "but I'm growing up and making changes". Yeah, well you better get up and go protect your family and take back what's yours before they are lost for good.
There is a time that a boy is suppose to be a "man" and fight for his family--and if I ever saw the time for it.....it's now. Now get off your butt and stop defending this jerk and saying he's your W's friend who she had an PA....and you think an EA (?) (....got that kind of in reverse or do you mean she's having an EA now?) I can tell you that they are having both! Anyway.....get off your case and go get your family! Ohhhhhh.......
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is that really good advice? I suppose so Me being here and seeing them once a month is not good enough, and i hate, HATE!!!!!, the OM being there doin stuff with them that I should be doing!
And sandi2, if I do that she might actually appreciate me getting of my blessed assurance!
So should I tell her to stop having him around? I have been going on the idea that you can t control people. And I have been cruel and maybe bossy at points, but you know, I have been really passive too, and she hated that. She even now tells me that I need to take control and make my own decisions when I go up there..on what to do with the kids, and where to go. I just have had her do it, because she knows the area better than I.
She has a lot on her plate, and I can take some off her plate that way, but now is the time to move up there, now that I am unemployed.
Last edited by stillthehusband; 08/04/0901:24 AM.
M/30s WAW/30s 4 children S 1 yr LS 8 months OM / just a friend 1 1/2 YR D 1 month
Oh, I just emailed her rather strongly about wanting to see the kids when she comes down to near where i am living. I said that my parents need to see the kids too. They are not responsible for our choices. And I told her that the other guy could just stay away. I finally really told her how it made me feel, to have him go with us to the lake or whereever when he did not need to. It was rude for him to tag along when i was trying to spend time with the kids....... "I realize that I can be loving, but why in the heck do you deserve much tenderness from me? **** (OM) did not need to come last Monday, and yet you flippin invited him!
I really resent that alot!!!! I appreciated your action in the evening, talking to me on the front lawn. I could use more of that with you, but that does not negate everything else you have done and plan on doing...(ie, You cant come to the farm, because I am taking ****- who does not need to go!!!!!!!!!!) You piss me off!!!!!
It is really easy to hurt someone who cares for you!! And you have been doing it for over 1 year. You have so much that I love about you. And I have been enjoying some of your growth, and the good talks we have had.
But you still keep kicking me where it hurts. When are you going to start trusting me more? I am not perfect, but what is your criteria for deserving your trust?"
I have been trying to be soft and uncritical, but she needs to know the scoop!
I hope that she gets a clue. I have been getting a clue myself about what I have done wrong, her turn now.
M/30s WAW/30s 4 children S 1 yr LS 8 months OM / just a friend 1 1/2 YR D 1 month
). He is giving your W all she is suppose to be getting from a H. DO YOU GET THAT??? Why in the name of God would you sit on your a$$ and allow another man to move into your family's life and you sit where you are and say, "but I'm growing up and making changes". Yeah, well you better get up and go protect your family and take back what's yours before they are lost for good.