New to this Community seeking advice

[VeronicaV]

Hi JR,

You are doing just fine...the only way to get through the loneliness is to let yourself feel it. Staying positive is good but in order to do that, we must let ourselves feel all of our feelings. Trust me, I have been learning some big lessons in this regard.

So, don't "soldier up" too quickly, okay? Give yourself the permission to feel lonely and sad. It would even be okay to cry if you feel like it. Getting that out of our systems makes room for the positive feelings to grow.

Keep going, JR.

V.

[JR09]

Thanks Veronica.

I do cry on occasion to just let the stress out. I have to say I cry much less than a year ago. I used to be a daily wreck crying hysterically. But not anymore. When I cry, it's only for a few minutes, maybe twice a week when I look at pictures of my W and children.

Anyway...Thanks for checking in Veronica. I hope you are doing well.

JR

[healthydad]

Hey JR,
I think it's very healthy to acknowledge that loneliness - it's all part of accepting your situation as best you can - and then figuring out how to make the most of your life with that knowledge well in hand.

My S12 is leaving in a couple weeks to be with his mom for the school year - it's already tearing into me and making me very sad - so I just keep reminding myself that I have to live in a way that once he's with me again - whenever that might be - he'll be with me as a complete, healthy, and positive force in his life. I know you know this - and that you've already done a ton of work to get there yourself - I just wanted to let you know that, indeed, you're not alone in what you're going through. It's such a tough part of all this drama - having to figure out the best way to protect our children.

Like you, I cry a lot less than I used to - but these days, I find that when I accept the tears - and just let them do what they have to do - I always feel better afterward. During the sadness, it sometimes feels unbearable - but it always gets better.

BTW...when will you see your boys again?

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

I know what you mean about letting your son go. It's tough, no doubt about it. Watching my boys drive away after my 2 weeks with them was tougher than a midnight combat foot patrol in the slums of Baghdad. Just ripped me apart emotionally. I just did my best to stay composed while saying goodbye, then I let it all out once the van turned the corner. Even my boys knew a couple of days before that it would all soon be over.

We decided to enjoy our last days together and make as many memories as possible. We had a blast. I don't know when I'll see the boys again. Maybe for Labor Day or sometime in OCT. No idea yet. In any case, the boys are actually quite aware of the situation between my W and I. I have never spoken ill of my W, and never will because I still love her so much. I told the boys how much I love Mom, and that I'm working on being a better person while Mom is thinking things through in her mind. I don't know if I explained it correctly.

In any case Carlos, no one can ever tell us, you and I, that we are average Dads because I know we are great Dads.
The Boys and your son know it. Just ENJOY THE MOMENT and make memories, laugh and take lots of pictures. I guess marriages may not last a lifetime...but memories DO.

Take care my friend.

JR

[healthydad]

JR,
What you wrote about watching your boys drive away really hit home with me...it's so much more painful to be without our kids than one could ever imagine. I'm expecting a very tough day when I drop him off at the airport - though I appreciate what you said - we are great Dads - we take care of our kids by taking care of ourselves - and making sure that we don't succumb to the easy ways out of a very tough situation.

I hope you get to see your boys before Oct - Labor Day would be great - I also think it's admirable that you don't speak ill of your W - that's so important for your boys. Sometimes I find myself having to slow my S12 down when he says very negative things about my STBX (she was his stepmom, after all) - but I think he just says these things to try and protect me. Though I've done my best to keep the worst of the pain from him, there have been times when I've cried in front of him - and just let him know...actually...I wanted to reassure him that though my marriage(s) didn't work out, I still value marriage as something worth fighting for - it's just that in my situation, taking care of myself and my kids meant accepting the end of a marriage...from everything you've written about your sitch, it seems like you're handing it an honorable, good way.

Yes...memories do last a lifetime...always good to remember that.

How are things going in terms of you and your getting out and keeping busy?

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

THANKS for posting. I know how much your son means to you. I said most of my goodbyes to my boys the night before so it's not as hard on the real day. I kept telling myself that I would do my best to stay strong and not breakdown in front of my boys. I knew they were also having a hard time so I tried to keep smiling and be upbeat the day my W came to pick them up. Very tough to put a gameface on. I wanted to leave my boys with a confident and happy image of myself. Anyway...

You'll do well, Carlos. Just enjoy your remaining days and make memories. As far as getting out and staying busy, I visit with my neighbors regularly. They have 3 boys (just like me), almost same age, and same hobbies. It feels good to hear the neighbors' kids laughter and home noise. I miss it so much. The neighbors have become close friends, a second family. They don't judge me and have accepted me like another family member. They also remind me often about how much I have changed after a year of separation. It helps to be affirmed.

I am still learning to play the guitar as a hobby. I thought about doing scrapbooking, like my W used to do. Why not? I have so many years of Army pics to put together. Might as well try...I don't go out in the evening. I really just try to function as if my W and kids were still here. Sounds boring, I know.

Anyway, keep your head high, Carlos. You are a great DAD and a great motivator. Til next time,

JR

[healthydad]

JR,
How's it going?
Sounds like you manage to keep busy and don't let yourself go to dark places too often. Are you getting any kind of T? Just curious.

I'm so glad that you have those neighbors - support from friends can be so vital - and it's also just nice to be able to be with people and not have to talk about what's going on - maybe just give them a quick update - but then get back to living in the moment.

Maybe you should go out some evening(s)...not to meet anyone or anything like that - but just to remember more of who you are. For me, a lot of the post-bomb time was spent rediscovering some of the better things about myself that I had completely lost sight of over the years...I think sometimes it's talked about in terms of remember what it was that your W fell for when you first met - and finding ways to rekindle the best of that in oneself.

-Carlos

[JR09]

Hi there Carlos,

Great to hear from you always. I didn't understand what the "T" stands for...
I am doing OK. Forced myself yesterday to visit with church folks and get out of the house. But it was actually quite refreshing. I needed that.
Just called my boys to say Hi. I always try to sound upbeat even if it kills me to listen to them on the phone. We have started to email one another off and on, so that's also just as good as calling.
Sometimes I wonder why on earth did all this had to happen to my family...I think about it. But then I have to get back right away to living in the NOW. Dwelling on "what ifs" and "if onlys" only bring sorrow and regrets.
I'll be OK tonight. I'll be OK. THANKS Carlos for being there. I hope you are enjoying your week with your son.
Make Memories, my friend.

JR

[healthydad]

Hi JR,
Sorry about that - T - means therapy.
Is there any chance that you might be able to get a webcam for you and the boys? That's something I've already worked out with my S12 for when he leaves - that way he and S2 can still see each other often.

I sometimes get caught in that same kind of thinking - just looking at my life and wondering how on earth all this happened to my family - and then I realize that there must be ways in which this is necessary - because there are certainly many, many thing that I had not faced, come to terms with, or realized before this happened...and I'm now facing all of it at once...but trying to take it at a realistic pace so it doesn't overwhelm me.

I like the power of "Make memories." I've been saying it to myself a lot these last few days...

-Carlos.

[healthydad]

Hey JR:

How are you?

Hope you're doing well.

-Carlos.