Asked H if he meant what he said in the text. He said yes, he thought about things and made the decision today. Told him all contact to OW would need to stop. Asked if he already broke contact. He said no. Told him I'd like to see the e-mail when he does, if that is how he's going to do it. H was a bit wishy-washy - I'm not really believing he's sincere but I will wait and see.
In the car H started telling me about last night. When he was finished I asked if he was going to apologize to S. He said "For what?" I said the text. He said (incredulously) "Me apologize to him?" I said yes, the ruining the night remark. He corrected me and said "I said great way to end the night, not that he ruined the night." I informed him S did not ruin the night. Needless to say, he was pissy after that.
I'm off to a much needed massage.
Hi Ashley,
I could be wrong, but I don't think he's ready, from the the sounds of it. That's OK -- you stand your ground. He may be ready to "do what it takes" tomorrow, or maybe a week from now or a month from now, but DON'T WAVER in what it is that YOU need.
You keep talking about "ultimatums". I'm not big on ultimatums. To me, an ultimatum is about CONTROL, and what you want to learn to do is establish a BOUNDARY.
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HIM, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Examples:
"I forbid you to see OW" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting her by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't feel he can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
