In Limbo

[sandi2]

The more you or anyone else defends you--the worse it makes your W feel toward you. It is better not to say anything in your own defense. I know it is hard not to try to justify your actions or way of thinking, but you cannot get through to her brain at this time. The most important thing for you to remember is the fact that this woman is not the girl you M. The sooner you stop asking yourself "why" and "how" could she do what she's doing....the sooner you will start to get better. That's right, I said "you" will get better b/c she is not going to get better for quite some time if she's in MLC. You can't control her nor can you change her so all you can do is try to think about what's best for you and the kids. I understand That you are in a lot of pain with the way she’s acting, but here’s the thing…you can choose to fret over her behavior and continue to talk until you are blue in the face, all of which will do zero amount of good…or you can decide that you are going to make life all about you and your children until the woman you M decides to show up again. That is not an easy thing to do, but it is about the only thing you can do to maintain your sanity. This is MHO, but I think if you just tune her out and act as if you could care less about what she does or how badly she misbehaves….then I think you will be better off. When she sees for herself that she is not changing you or the R by how poorly she behaves, then maybe she will stop rebelling and doing things simply to get a reaction from you. You need to act nonchalant about her behavior. And when she throws a tempter tantrum or some of her other outlandish stunts, just look at her very coolly and say, “Do you know how ridicules you look when you act like that?” Or tell her that if only she knew how unattractive she looked when she acted or talked like that she would stop dead in her tracks.

You “cannot” talk her out of doing what she has her head set on doing. You cannot talk her out of acting badly or anything else that MLC does to a person. You can draw boundaries in how she behaves at home. For example, if she chooses to come home at 2:00 a.m. then have all the lights turned out (including the outdoor lights), have all the doors locked and make sure you are asleep (even if you have to pretend sleeping). That gives her the message that you don’t care and that nobody is sitting up waiting for her to come home…and sure not leaving a light on! Don’t ask her any questions about where she goes or when what time she came home….nothing to show concern. Do not tell her what you are "going" to do...just "do it".

Never ask who she talked to on the phone, who called her…nothing to show interest in her activities. Do not inquire about anything she does, goes, thinks….nothing.

You need to make sure she shows you respect, and especially in front of your children and other people. Never allow her to talk down to you. If she begins to throw her temper tantrum…walk out. If you are in a restaurant and she begins to talk down to you or show her anger….walk out and leave her sitting there. If you are anywhere and she acts like that….walk out. I don’t know that everyone would agree with this tactic, and I will assure you that she will be mad enough to kill something, but I bet she will watch her manners before she pulls that stunt again. If you are home when she throws a temper tantrum then be sure to look very hard at her and then turn and walk out of the room while she is still raving. You do not say anything to her.,..just leave. That behavior does not deserve “attention” and people who use that manner of behavior is wanting attention and wanting their own way about everything. She is selfish and she needs to be taught some lessons. Never stand there and take that from her b/c she will disrespect you lower than dirt. A man has to earn respect from a woman like her and it is not easy but it can be done. You tried to show her you anger and she outdone you with her own anger….so that did not work. I believe what will work is for you to leave her hanging by herself while she is mad. Don’t show a reaction other than looking hard at her and walking out. It is important to understand that you do NOT wait until she is finished with what she has to say and that you leave as soon as she begins her fit of anger.


quote]I just don't get how people can just get up and leave. There really hasn't been any effort on her part to work the marriage until she figures out if this is right for her.[/quote]

Do not try to get her to go to MC or to read or watch anything about M improvement. You cannot get her interested in what she is fighting so hard against. It will take a long time before she even hints at coming around to being interested in working on the M. She wants nothing to do with you right now. That is why it is important not to pursue her in any area. You cannot reason with her. People in MLC do not think logically.

This will be an agonizing ordeal to go through and I hope you and make it. Come here for your support and don't look to family and friends.