First Timer

[wolverine1997]

Thanks for your support. I'm really spasing right now. I know I will calm down later. I really worried about my daughter. She overheard my wife ranting and raving and threatening divorce. She is really upset about what she heard. Should I call my wife at work to let her know? I know that this is just probably an excuse for me to call her. This has really got me stressed out right now. I just with things could work out.

[mermaid]

Do not call your wife at work. You will make her feel guilty and then she will take it out on you. Avoid those situations as much as possible especially in front of the children. You need to let your w go. Your m problems did not happen overnight and they will not be resolved overnight either. You need to work on you and help your children. Your w cannot help your children and she will not reassure you in anyway. She is not rational right now. You need to be the calm and healthy one. Do what you need to do to get healthy. You cannot help your w so help yourself. GAL. Enjoy your children. Move forward with your life. Your w is stuck right now. Do not let her drag you down with her now matter what the outcome is.

[wolverine1997]

I know. Just really frustrated and hurt right now. Venting. Just really, really tired mentally, physically and emotionally. This takes so much out of you. It's good to have people to talk to. Thanks. Gotta be strong for the kids.

[wolverine1997]

Spent the entire day cleaning and re-arranging furniture in basement. Burned off soooooo much energy and frustration. I feel a lot better. Glad I didn't call wife like I wanted to do earlier. Thanks mermaid!!! I really needed that. You sound like a great catch! (I know, I know, a bad joke) Wife told me last night that she would call me today from work with the price of hiring an attorney for divorce. I never heard from her so maybe she cooled down a bit also. I hope so. Still thinking about going dark and see how that works. What do you guys think?

[mermaid]

Going dark sounds like a good plan to allow time for both of you to cool off.

[wolverine1997]

Funny how wife sees every flaw that I have even the minor ones but doesn't acknowledge any of her own. Since she has been diagnosed with depression and with the issues that she has had after the assault I have had to pretty much take care of everything. I don't understand how she can't see that. I have given everything that I have and bent over backwards for our family and for her.

She told me yesterday that I have a problem with control. I never thought that about myself and have never heard that from others. But it might be true. But at the same time I am very selfless and giving. I think that I have more good qualities than bad, as do most people.

I think that she is trying to justify her actions and decisions by flouting all of my faults, real and imagined ones. It's heard to explain to others that you are divorcing your husband because he cooks, clean, works, takes care of the kids, is faithful and has a good sense of humor. It's much easier to justify if you say that he is controlling, selfish, unloving, a liar and stupid.

I think going dark may help me more than it will her.

[sandi2]

You have to stop expecting to see your W act like a normal person b/c she is not going to do that. You keep asking these questions in your post as if you are still pondering the whys & hows, etc. She is a WAW and she is not going to suddenly start talking with logic, nor is she going to see her own faults, nor is she going to stop putting you down. She will continue to make you out to be the bad guy in the stitch b/c she is trying to justify her reasons to D you. No, she is not realistic about the money and affording her own expenses living alone b/c she is fantasizing about how great it will be to live without you. Nothing you say to her at this point is going to change her mind about "you". The less you say to her about The R, the better.

I do see you as possibly being a controlling person. There are certain things in your posts that point to being a perfectionist. Maybe there are a lot of things about you that have built on her nerves and she just doesn’t feel like she can take it any longer. However, I suspect there is more to the story. We all have our quirks. I know that the longer people are M, the more changes you face and a couple has to adjust or they will grow apart. Those transitions are not easy and certainly not fun.

I believe if you would “drop the rope” and just let her go, that would be you best option at this point in the stitch. I don’t understand why she called and told you how much a lawyer would cost. She’s the one seeking a D, so does she think you are going to shell out the bucks for her to get a D from you? I do feel that you should get a separate bank account to deposit your money. You can pay the expenses for the house and the children and she can make it on her earnings as of right now. As long as she has control over your money, then she will not feel the sting of the bee (know what I mean?)

[wolverine1997]

We've had seperate bank accounts for about a year now. She pretty much lives off of her money and I take care of the house, kids, bills and everything else. I have been asking her for money to help with household expenses but she is balking.

Actually I think that I was doing pretty good until yesterday when she started all of this. I allowed myself to fall right into her non-sense.

Whether or not I am a control freak I don't know. I don't really think that I am but I can see that trait in some areas. This might be one of my lesser flaws. I have other faults that are much more pronounced and dominant that this, trust me. In many ways I have had to take control over things in our family just to make sure that things get done. If I had left things in the hands of my wife we would be living in the streets by now. She won't pay bills, can't budget money and refuses to save.

And yes, there is a lot more to the story. I know that I have gotten on my wife's nerves over the years. But that really isn't that hard to do. She often gets upset about things without hearing the whole story and have also gotten mad at me when I have done what she has asked of me. I think that she has anger management issues.

Right now her biggest reason for wanting a divorce is because she says that I have treated her bad over the years. When I ask her exactly what I have done, to give me specific accounts of me mistreating her she just tells me that she can't remember any details off hand. Then she will go on to mention isolated accounts of me not helping her with the kids or taking son to barber shop or dressing him in a way that she doesn't like. She has never told me of one serious thing that I have done that could explain her current actions.

Sandi, if you get a chance read my thread from Sunday, Aug. 2. This explains how this latest problem started.

[sandi2]

Hi, I had read your posts from Sunday and I really hate all of this happened with your D. But I don't think you will be able to reach your W with reasonable conversation. She is not acting out of logic and will not be able to "think" like a normal person should think about the welfare of their child. Unfortunately, all she is thinking about at the moment is her own selfish needs. Things look really bad at this time and if I were you I think I would take whatever measures to protect your D from more pain being inflicted from her mother by careless words and actions. I'm not sure what all that might include in order to shield your D, but your W is not going to do what's best for your D, so you need to do it.

I saw what you had posted on Ashlee's thread:

I'm at a similar point with my wife, at what point do I give her an ultimatim. Their is no affair but a lot of other baggage. I feel the same way as you. I know that I deserve a better person than my wife. But I also know that this person right now is not my wife. I don't know if my wife will ever return. And at some point this all must come to a head.

If you really feel that way now, then maybe you are prepared to “drop the rope” with your W. When a LBS reaches the point of dropping any emotional ties to their S, then they make it much better b/c they don’t let it hurt them like they did before and they can move on with life whereas they were desperately trying to keep the M on track before now. This is JMHO and it is your life and your decision, but I am very concerned about what your W is doing in front of her own children and apparently doesn’t try to hold her feelings back for their benefit.

[MrBond]

First off, you need to get your confidence back. If your W wants to be a b*tch, let her. You can't control that. But what you can do is enjoy your life.

Think back of the days when you were single and what you used to do to make you happy. Do those things again. Play with the kids, act as if you were single again. Keep your interactions with your W short and sweet. Most importantly, show your W how much YOU are loving life.

She can have a crappy attitude, but don't let it affect you. You have to totally live it and show it. You'll feel alot better.