One...on the bright side, he is keeping his word so far and staying off hard liquor. Has cut way way back on drinking but still drinking some beer, especially on the weekend, but still keeping to what other people would call a "normal" level of drinking. It's not ideal, but it's a big improvement. He is making an effort to be engaged with the family and we've been doing things together. He's tried not to be critical. He's not been openly hostile since giving up liquor.
The problem? Well..I'm still pissed. I am having a really really hard time just going, oh fine. Then all is well, let's just dance in the sunshine. I have been through hell the past year and a half, especially the last six months. I hurt. I don't know how to just pretend it didn't matter. I don't even know how I feel about him. What I do feel is pressure. Like pressure to smile and be happy and treat him great so he doesn't feel bad and regress. Or yell at me. I STILL feel pressure to keep my mouth shut about anything that does bother me. I don't feel safe, I don't feel relaxed. I think I've stopped feeling scared long enough to just feel plain angry. I feel almost sick with anger sometimes.
Two...and much worse, yet related...is that I have to sit him down and go over our financial situation which is not what he thinks it is. Why? Because I lied about it. At the beginning it was just putting him off when he was terribly sick with treatments and on medications and not knowing what the hell was going on. I just did the best I could, and it really wasn't very good. I do know when we got our taxes done that we made 25% less income last year because of the illness, plus all the medical expenses. So..actually it all makes sense. It's not like I did anything terrible. I paid our bills. We don't have much left. I checked with my SIL who's a mortgage person and she figured out what it would be to refi and pay off some credit card debt and have some savings again and actually reduce our pmt. Our house is close to being paid for...so we will still have tons of equity. See, writing it down, it doesn't sound so bad. We're still in tons better shape than most of the country. That isn't going to matter. It's not even the lying that's going to make him mad.
he just has these black and white ideas. He will NEVER refi the house, he will NEVER have any debt, he will never this or never that. This is going to be the end of the friggin world to him. He is not going to listen to why and how and what. I would almost rather leave him a note and file for divorce than confront him with this. OTOH...we were discussing the bill for his last CAT scan, which was 330 dollars, for the radiologist (a few more for the hospital). He totally freaked out. WHAT??? WHAT??? HOW MUCH???? I was like, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Then he goes, oh thank you, thank you for not telling me any of that while I was sick. I could NOT have handled it.
So I'm thinking...I knew that. He couldn't handle anything. He's been talking a lot lately about how bad it was for him, about how he couldn't cope with having cancer and going thru treatment. Of course all during that time he told everyone that he "didn't even think about it." I was frequently told by others how incredible he was, how great he handled it, blah blah blah. How much faith he had!! I'm like...are you f'ing KIDDING ME??
Anyway, I was in a flat out panic before I started typing this...but now I'm thinking...wait. This is not that bad. He has to accept the situation. It is what it is. We can start over. But I still feel like I'm going to puke.
I know I talked about this a long time ago, about going over this stuff with him, and then he was just so drunk all the time...well, I didn't do it. I haven't had the courage. So yeah, breakaway's a liar.
Please pray for me folks...because somewhere this rational part of me knows things will be better when this is finally taken care of. Even though he will bring it up every day for the rest of my life.
