Yes, he's bringing it up because it's still something very much, literally in his face. She is calling him again and I asked "Then why answer when she calls?" His answer "To get rid of her, to get her to leave." Ok. Then don't complain about it. I don't say this but it seems pretty easy in terms of solution to me.....but what do I know?
In terms of the party or them hanging out again....I'm concerned about the physical possibilities. H was drunk and confessed some things to me including when and where they happened. At this point, I would like to torch his car and destroy the make up room where they work. (Oh, and the doors have been removed from said make up rooms.....wonder why????) So my concern is simple: I would rather he not be in a position to tempt himself. I don't know that he's completely over this OW while he often says he has contempt for her.
Also she has told me point blank: (and H knows this, hence his contempt, at least some of it) she screwed with my H because she blames me for her ex-boyfriend dumping her, the ex-boyfriend she would still like to be with but he wants nothing to do with her. I had nothing to do with it, but it's easier for her to blame me than him or herself. Whatever. My conscience is clear on that one. But yes, she admits to this. So I don't put it past her to continue to want to hurt me and yank H's chain some more.
I am not bringing her up. He is. I normally just listen and ask the occasional question, such as "Why answer the phone or respond to texts if you have so much contempt for her?" I have yet to ask him "Why do you talk to me about this?" Which is the number one question I do have, but why bother? I think the true answer is because he needs to for now.....but not sure he understands why.
Also for me, for me to recover from this, I NEED and I mean NEED to know for sure, that he PICKE ME. That he understood I was the prize....never the fall back because something else didn't work out. And choosing to not hang out with her in any capacity would be an indication to me for that. And I've told him as much and he said "I do understand all of that."
We are slowly addressing issues that led us here. We're doing the at home fitness program despite his blah feelings for it. We have one more "chapter" or whatever you want to call them to do and that's the one called "Protecting Your Marriage" and it covers EA's in great depth. I don't think he understands EAs or how they work and how destructive they will be to us. I learned a lot from it myself...so I hope he will too.
He's been a lot more open on his side about what went wrong for him and fortunately, it's stuff I know I can make a concentrated effort on and it will benefit me in many ways....such as being more affectionate, not sex, but true affection. I don't know if it's a cultrual thing for me, but I've never been touchy feely but I do like hugging as much as the next woman...I guess I don't need it as much, but I now understand HE DOES. And while his list was short, it was important and everything on his list, I can make those changes and I can keep them up for the rest of my life and I think my son will benefit from all of this too....a mother who loves to hug can only be a great thing, right? So, yes, we are working on previous issues to fix things for our future.
Bottom line, the physical things that happened between them are things I'm still digesting and working through because he just recently confessed them to me. Before this, I wasn't sure. I'm hopeful I can get over these things but in the meantime to help me do that, I need to know he wanted to come home....he didn't just say "Oh well, I'll just go back to my wife since this didn't work out." I have to feel like the prize and frankly, I'm still at a place where I am very new to figuring this out.
In DR it very clearly states that cutting off all contact is something the non-cheating spouse needs....it will help in recovery. And MWD is absolutley right. His absolute complete cutting OW off would go a very long way in our relationship right now. Unfortunately....and this is NOT H's fault, he still works with her, so I deal with that but...
I have stuff to figure out. Not socializing with her is one of my boundaries. He cheated on me with her no matter how he feels about, I see it as cheating. So I would prefer there be as close to 0 contact as possible. My feelings on that just aren't going to change.
