Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[mishka422]

(((Ashlee))))

I personally think you handled that marvelously. You do realize though that since you got no response or reaction from him last night that when he breaks that boundary (and he most likely will because he's addicted to OW)he will tell you he didn't hear you say any such thing because he was asleep, right?

I concur with Gardener...what will the consequences be? Can you not tell him to leave your marital bed? He doesn't deserve to be there since he's not being a proper husband. He should be the one to leave, not you. He has to take the punishment for his own bad behavior.

Gardener made a good point about strength and honor being said only to men around here. I've wondered that myself. I think maybe it's just a gender difference in the words we use. Men use words like those and women use respect and perserverence. It seems just that simple doesn't it?

Keep up the good fight Ash. The fight is not really for your M you know, it's for yourself and your son. H can go spin in the wind if that's what he wants to do, you will perservere for your son and come out the other side of this crisis a much better woman!!!!

[mermaid]

Ashlee,
You did very well remaining calm and how you worded it. If you give him an ultimatum then you must be prepared to follow through. You have to also be prepared for h to chose ow over you. Right now he is thinking only of himself.

Do what you need to do to keep you and your son sane and healthy. It is a rough road but be the support your son needs and get yourself some support as well.

The board is here for you whenever you need us.

[Faith2010]

Gardener, Mishka & Mermaid - I appreciate the feedback. I have no regrets and am pleased with what I said.

I am ready for him to deny hearing it. That's fine. It's not the first time I set the boundary but it was the first time I phrased it in that way.

I was thinking the ultimatum would need to involve him moving out if he can not commit to our M and family and end his affair. I fully expect him to leave as he has his plans to meet her in Sept. If I did not give that severe of an ultimatum right now, I could provide one in which he moves out of our bedroom. The only problem I see with that is he would still have comforts of home. BUT...if I do that then when Sept rolls around and he goes to meet OW...then he'd get the boot.

I've gotten a few people who think I tell him I am aware of his plans in Sept when the ultimatum is given. What do ya'll think?

Gardener - I honestly don't know if my S wants to spend time with H. Before S left to go with H yesterday S said to me he wished I was taking him, not his dad. S also told me this weekend I need to kick H out of the house already!

[Faith2010]

Here we go...got text from H an hour ago: "i'm going to stop talking to her and focus on you and me"

Gee, I think H knows I've had it and this is possibly one of the little games he likes to play to appease me.

I am not going to respond to the text and wait and see what happens when I get home.

Any suggestions?

[mishka422]

Well, it's a start. He now needs to follow that up with actions, words, etc.. It is a two way street of course so don't be hostile with him. Accept him with loving boundaries.

1)There can be no contact with OW, period. No email, no TM, no FB, MS...nothing.
2)She is to be blocked from all contact points and removed from all lists.
3)If any of these boundaries are violated, he is to immediately leave the house until he is actually ready to get out from under her hold on him.

Something of that nature. Any contact with OW in any way (oh, we're just friends now..blah blah blah..) is unacceptable and detrimental to your M.

Sounds harsh, I know. Of course, what he's been doing to you is harsh too....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, it's a start. He now needs to follow that up with actions, words, etc.. It is a two way street of course so don't be hostile with him. Accept him with loving boundaries.

1)There can be no contact with OW, period. No email, no TM, no FB, MS...nothing.
2)She is to be blocked from all contact points and removed from all lists.
3)If any of these boundaries are violated, he is to immediately leave the house until he is actually ready to get out from under her hold on him.

Something of that nature. Any contact with OW in any way (oh, we're just friends now..blah blah blah..) is unacceptable and detrimental to your M.

Sounds harsh, I know. Of course, what he's been doing to you is harsh too....

Absolutely agree with Mishka here, Ashley. Now is the time (when he's claiming to want to work on the M) to do this.

Puppy

[Stronger]

Ashlee!!!
That is GREAT news!
Yes, the list is a great start for you. Make it clear no more and tell him you have your suspicions about his trip in September. Make him call it off.
Stay strong....it's very sexy!

[Serenity13]

Ash...

How are you doing today?

Did you give him the list?

I can't wait for that day to come though I think he saw my list before he bailed so he already knows where I stand...

Mine included breaking all contact with her and the other ex he still speaks to...

Also has to disable his FB and MS (that is how he found these two women and I don't need anymore coming out of the woodwork) and deactivate his secret email account he thinks I know nothing about - Like I was born last night duh

I LOVED the way you worded your boundries to him...

That was excellent!

[cpfullofhope]

I agree with everyone. This is your opportunity to put it out there when he says he is ready and your want to make sure you make it crystal clear what you expect to happen. I know some people suggest you also ask to see a final letter/email from H to OW stating that he has choosen to work on M and can no longer communicate. Don't know if you want to go that route, but it might be a good way to know it has happened since he has said in the past they weren't communicating and they were.

[Faith2010]

Asked H if he meant what he said in the text. He said yes, he thought about things and made the decision today. Told him all contact to OW would need to stop. Asked if he already broke contact. He said no. Told him I'd like to see the e-mail when he does, if that is how he's going to do it. H was a bit wishy-washy - I'm not really believing he's sincere but I will wait and see.

In the car H started telling me about last night. When he was finished I asked if he was going to apologize to S. He said "For what?" I said the text. He said (incredulously) "Me apologize to him?" I said yes, the ruining the night remark. He corrected me and said "I said great way to end the night, not that he ruined the night." I informed him S did not ruin the night. Needless to say, he was pissy after that.

I'm off to a much needed massage.