I don't think still wanting to be with your H is messed up at all. You may always want to be with him. You have to accept that as part of you if you can and not let it make you crazy.
We all wait for the OP to disappear, thinking that will be what turns them around. In some cases, that may be all that it takes but your H obviously still is not ready. Alot of times, they really do need alone time to figure things out, which is why the OP doesn't make things better in the long run. It is just another avoidance tactic.
I understand what you say about conditions of how you want him back. I do not view that necessarily as a bad thing. I love my H, regardless of what he does or who he is. I love him without conditions. BUT, does that mean that I will LIVE without conditions? NO. I can love H, no matter what, but if living with him is not good for me, does not meet my needs, then we really haven't learned much from all of this. I don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes you have to love yourself enough to know whether something is good for both of you or not and accept that as well. M is about compromise but not sacrafice. If you are losing yourself to the M, then it is not good for you.
Be you around H, instead of what you think he wants you to be. Just like if you met him for the first time today.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
