Thanks mishka! I am selling what is left from the business I had with H, I worked as a wardrobe stylist and sold vintage clothing and accessories styled in street fashion.
IN terms of the interaction with H, I don't just want the interaction to be able to post something more interesting. I just want that interaction period because I miss him. and I just feel bored with myself at the moment, there are 3 constants in my life and thats job/apt hunting, financial problems, and living sitch. I'm just tired of it ya know?? And this is board if for DBing, and I sometimes feel like I shouldnt even be here because I have absolutely NO CONTACT with him and it already just feels like its over. It's really hard to try and stop a D and continue DBing when H is gone with no communication.
But I know I need to DB anyway for myself to get better. I understand what you mean about the drama, I definitely don't want it but I do want some sort of interaction with him because I haven't stopped loving him. I just feel like dirt, dropped just like that and he doesn't even care.. it just makes me really sad and I have lost a lot of hope for ever reconciling with him. I've lost a lot of hope for ever being friends with him even. I don't even know if I want this anymore. I am more confused than I've ever been. I just know right now, that he has hurt me tremendously, broke my heart, treated me like cr*p and is behaving very selfishly at the moment and I don't know if I can be with someone who was willing to do all those things to me and someone who was willing to leave me when I'm sick instead of trying to help me through it. I don't know if I want to be with someone who wouldn't come to the hospital to see me when I nearly died from a suicide attempt.
I look back on everything and I was blaming myself for everything, for all the bad things that happened in our relationship but now, right this very second, looking back, he seems to have treated me far worse than I did. Of course, I'm no angel, but some of the things he's done, is quite extreme and he has accused me of extreme behavior that he can't handle. Whatever. What makes me angry the most is that he walked away from someone who was sick and suicidal and set himself free from me right when he walked out the door. It wouldn't have mattered if I had died that night in the hospital. He would not have come anyway. And I know this is the main reason why I don't think I could be with him anymore. I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone could walk away from someone who is sick. I would never do that to him, I would never do that to anyone, not even a stranger. I just hope that whenever he's in a new relationship and if he ever ends up being sick, the woman he is with will not walk away from him because its too hard for her to handle. Because that type of pain of being abandoned when you need so much help and support is something I would never wish upon anyone, no one should ever have to feel that way.
Anyway, this is just making me angry and I've reached a point where I sometimes don't want to reconcile anymore. I just want to shut him out. Never respond to him if he ever contacted me in the future, throw away all of his stuff that he left behind, and rid myself of this pain and just f*ckin move on with my life and have fun, meeting new people, partying, socializing, laughing, dating, living, being.
